Tap Ball ***WALKTHROUGH***

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Premium Quests

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Highland Games

Auto starts

Willie: Ach, a sporting-goods store! Willie needs some equipment for that grand Scottish tradition -- the Highland Games!
Willie: You there -- clerk! I want to buy a caber. It's a long, heavy wooden pole, tapered at one end--
Squeaky Voice Teen: I know what they are. Aisle 6.
Willie: Wait, yer sayin' you actually carry cabers?
Squeaky Voice Teen: The sign says “All your sports equipment needs.” I've never known a sign to lie.
Willie: Usually the way this works is, I go to a store, ask them if they have some ridiculous Scottish thing, and they act like they've never heard of it.
Willie: This makes Willie hoppin' mad. Then Willie punches the clerk and spends the night in jail.
Willie: It's a grand old time. I was expecting that was how this would go.
Squeaky Voice Teen: No, sir. Aisle 6 for cabers.
Willie: Hold on, I'm not done yet. I don't suppose you stock any Maide Leisg?
Squeaky Voice Teen: Scottish for “lazy stick,” used in traditional tests of strength. Aisle 7.
Willie: Crivens! How about this -- in one particularly silly event, we toss sheafs of wheat over a pole. Highest toss wins.
Squeaky Voice Teen: Wheat sheafs and pitchforks are next to the tennis rackets. 20-pound and 10-pound sheafs available.
Willie: What if another Scot is eyeballin' my lass, and I need to clock him over the skull with a traditional Scottish skull-clockin' hammer?
Squeaky Voice Teen: They're behind the CrossFit stuff.
Willie: I can see you're gonna give Willie no cause to pick a fight. And for that I will be forever sorry.

Task: Make Willie Buy Sports Equipment
Time: 8h
Location: Sportacus

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The Full Nelson Pt.1

Nelson starts

Football Nelson: Hey, Simpson! How come the field is measured in feet instead of Nelson steps?
Bart: It’s not my sport. My Dad invented it. If you want to change the rules, go bully him.
Football Nelson: Maybe I will! I'll bully him good!
Bart: Yes. Oh my God, yes. This is fantastic. Can I watch?
Football Nelson: He's your dad. If you want to watch him get humiliated by a child, I got no right to say no.
Bart: Yay!

Task: Make Football Nelson Bully Homer
Task: Make Bart Chuckle To Himself
Time: 4h
Location: Stadium Entrance

The Full Nelson Pt.2

Homer starts

Homer: Listen up, team. I'm not going to sugar coat this -- you're terrible Tap Ball players, and therefore terrible people.
Apu: Mr. Homer, I am still not entirely clear on what I'm supposed to do with this bowling ball.
Homer: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WIN, THAT'S WHAT!
Lisa: Maybe if the rules didn't change every five minutes, we could get better.
Homer: IT'S THE SIMPLEST GAME EVER INVENTED! NOW WIN! APU, BOWL THAT BALL!
Homer: BART, PUTT THE BOOMERANG INTO THE THING! NELSON, GO LONG! LISA THROW THE SOCCERBALL TO NELSON!
Homer: I mean, I just can't make it any simpler for you people.

Task: Make Soccer Lisa Kick The Soccer Ball
Task: Make Football Nelson Go Long
Task: Make Pin Pal Apu Bowl For Goal
Time: 4h
Location: Stadium Entrance

Homer: YES! THAT'S IT! NOW WE'RE PLAYING SOME TAP BALL!

The Full Nelson Pt.3

Homer starts

Homer: Okay, team. You've really been looking sharp lately. I want to try a new play.
Homer: Bart, run a hook-and-ladder. Nelson, you track down the Golden Snitch. Lisa, bunt the ball for a home run.
Lisa: I understood precisely none of that.
Homer: One-two-three hike!
Football Nelson: What am I supposed to do, again?
Homer: I said hike! The hike has happened! Now go go go!

Task: Make Bart Run Into The Fence
Task: Make Lisa Trip Over The Ball
Task: Make Football Nelson Yell Angrily
Time: 12h
Location: Stadium Entrance

Homer: I'm just...not...getting....through to you people.
Lisa: I'd like to suggest that maybe you're an awful coach.
Homer: That can't be it. No, we should just run the play again until we get it right.
Lisa: But nobody understands--
Homer: One-two-three hike!

The Full Nelson Pt.4

Lisa starts

Lisa: It's weird. I still have no idea how Tap Ball works, but I can somehow tell we're awful at it.
Bart: Eh, as long as Dad's unhappy, I'm happy.
Lisa: Well, I'm sorry, but if I'm going to do something, I want to do it well.
Bart: It's weird that the same DNA could make a you and a me.
Lisa: We were doing so well before, though. What's the secret?
Bart: All I know is, I tend to do my best when Nelson threatens to kick my butt if I don't.
Bart: I've never really found any other reason to do well at anything.
Lisa: He is a strangely good motivator...

Task: Make Homer Eavesdrop On The Kids
Time: 1h
Location: Stadium Entrance

The Full Nelson Pt.5

Homer starts

Homer: Gather ‘round, team! I've figured out how to make us great.
Homer: Let's run the same play as before. This time, though, I'm authorizing Nelson to atomic wedgie anyone who messes up.
Homer: No team can succeed if it doesn't bully itself. It worked for John Wooden's UCLA basketball teams, and it can work for us.
Homer: Seriously, watch the tapes. If anyone ever missed a shot, the young Lew Alcindor would subtly purple nurple him on the way back up the court.

Task: Make Soccer Lisa Kick The Ball
Task: Make Pin Pal Apu Bowl The Ball
Task: Make Bart Throw The Ball
Task: Make Football Nelson Score A Ball Down
Time: 8h
Location: Stadium Entrance

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Gymnastic Lisa

Lisa: My grade in P.E. is terrible -- there's no plus after my A! Maybe I should take gymnastics for extra credit.
Homer: Ok, but you need to wear your soccer outfit on the Tap Ball field.
Lisa: Why can't I play Tap Ball as a gymnast?
Homer: Because that's not what you're wearing in all the posters, pins and bobbleheads I ordered.
System Message: Gymnastic Lisa is now available in the store!

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Hip To Be Cubical

Milhouse: Oooh, the Blocko Store! Where, if you can imagine it, you can build it!
Milhouse: The doctor says I was born without an imagination. But you guys can all have fun!

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Gorgeous Grampa

Grampa: Sports were better in my day, when we played them without equipment.
Grampa: We didn't have baseballs, so we used a rock. And we didn't have baseball bats so we used a different rock.
Grampa: But the greatest equipment-less sport of all was wrestling! Just two oiled-up men grabbing each other's anatomy.
Homer: Attention everyone! Tap ball players over the age of 60 must wear a shirt.
Grampa: Wrestling with a shirt on ain't wrestling!
System Message: Gorgeous Grampa is now available in the store! He can't play Tap Ball, but with hair like that who cares?

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D Biscuit Pt. 1

Bart starts

Furious D: *neigh*
Jockey Bart: Duncan! My old racehorse! You're back!
Jockey Bart: Whaddya say? Should we get back on the track?
Jockey Bart: And then make another visit to the secret underground lair of the murderous jockeys?
Furious D: *shakes head*
Jockey Bart: Yeah, I guess not. Nobody was too crazy about it the first time. Kind of a misstep, they all said.
Furious D: *nods emphatically*
Jockey Bart: Well lets find what it is that you do want to do.

Task: Make Jockey Bart and Furious D Find a Hobby
Time: 24h
Location: Springfield Library
Requires: Furious D

D Biscuit Pt. 2

Bart starts

Jockey Bart: We've tried skeet shooting, BASE jumping, gin rummy... I'm running out of ideas. What DO horses enjoy?
Furious D: *assumes cool pose*
Jockey Bart: Just walk around looking cool, huh? Well, it is about all I'm qualified to do.

Task: Make Jockey Bart Whip Around Town
Task: Make Furious D Be Cool
Time: 12h

D Biscuit Pt. 3

Bart starts

Jockey Bart: Last time I saw you, D, you were running off with that lady horse. What happened with you two?
Furious D: *neighs*
Jockey Bart: Yeah, buying a house is tough. Don't feel bad -- the stress causes a lot of couples to break up.
Jockey Bart: Let's commiserate, over a meal that's most likely made from a relative of yours.

Task: Make Jockey Bart Eat at Krusty Burger
Task: Make Furious D Eat at Krusty Burger
Time: 30m
Location: Krusty Burger

D Biscuit Pt. 4

Bart starts

Jockey Bart: See, I just think you need to get back in the saddle. Or, under the saddle, in this case.
Jockey Bart: That filly had you wrapped around her hoof so tight, you forgot that you're born to run.
Jockey Bart: What do you say? Should we go for a practice run?
Furious D: *makes a gesture that, when it comes from a horse, means “I don't know, Bart. It's been so long.”*
Jockey Bart: Just a quick gallop around town.

Task: Make Jockey Bart Ride Around Town
Time: 4h
Requires: Bart

D Biscuit Pt. 5

Bart starts

Jockey Bart: You still got it, D! That's it! I'm gonna find us a race to enter at Springfield Downs!

Task: Make Jockey Bart Check the Race Schedule
Time: 1h
Location: Springfield Downs

Jockey Bart: There's a race on today D! We can so win this!
Furious D: *another gesture, meaning: “Though the outcome is anything but certain, I can no longer deny what I am.”*
Jockey Bart: Hehehe, classic D!

D Biscuit Pt. 6

Bart starts

Jockey Bart: All right, D! Let's break the track record!
Furious D: *neighs. Translation: “I shall make every effort to reward your confidence in me, my young friend.”*

Task: Make Jockey Bart Ride Furious D Around the Track
Task: Make Furious D Run Around the Track
Time: 24h
Location: Springfield Downs

On job start:

Jockey Bart: How come we're the only horse in this race?
Furious D: *neighs. Translation: “Maybe the obese policeman will know why.”*
Wiggum: I sure do know why! D is the only horse in Springfield. Lisa had a pony once, but we haven't gotten around to that story yet.
Krusty: Shut up, all of you! I got a thousand bucks on this one-horse race!

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Bumbling Around

Auto starts

Mr. Burns: My strange, beehive-themed basketball stadium is a stirring reminder that the idiot public can be made to pay for anything.
Mr. Burns: They build me a $250,000,000 stadium, and I provide them with a few minimum-wage jobs slinging hot dogs forty nights a year.
Mr. Burns: Everyone wins!
Bumblebee Man: Ay-yi-yi! Una gran casa para mi familia!

Task: Make Burns Learn About Modern Basketball
Time: 8h
Location: Control Building
If the user has Bumblebee Man: Task: Make Bumblebee Man Move into the Stadium
Time: 8h
Location: Basketball Stadium

Mr. Burns: My beautiful stadium has been infested with bees! Smithers, call a bee exterminator!
Bumblebee Man: No es bueno, Senor Burns! Soy un hombre!
Smithers: I think he's saying that he's a man, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, we have exterminators for those, too.
Smithers: They are slightly more expensive than insect exterminators.
Mr. Burns: True, but I do so love watching them work.

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Strongman Homer

Marge: I'm so proud of you Homie, inventing a successful sport. And think of all the exercise you're getting.
Homer: I made the field small on purpose so I didn't have to run.
Marge: Maybe you'll get fit by accident.
Homer: I had a dream that I was fit once.
Marge: Me too.
System Message: Strongman Homer is now available in the store! Only Referee Homer can play Tap Ball though. Them's the rules.

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The Abe-ador Pt. 1

Grampa starts

Grampa: Bart, did I ever tell you about the time I was a Spanish bullfighter?
Bart: Honestly, what's the best way to stop this story before it starts? Be straight with me, man.
Grampa: You don't believe me, is that it? Well, I'll prove it to ya! El Matador Americano Stupid_o is back!
Grampa: First I'll need a red cape.
Grampa: The confessional booths in the church have those lovely red curtains. Just the color a bull loves to charge...

Task: Make Toreador Grampa Steal Confessional Curtains
Time: 1h
Location: First Church of Springfield

The Abe-ador Pt. 2

Grampa starts

Toreador Grampa: Now, the key to bullfighting is to get the bulls good and mad at ya. An angry bull makes mistakes.
Toreador Grampa: You gotta know how to insult a bull. Remember that bulls don't understand English. They speak Spanish.
Toreador Grampa: Which is why the best bullfighters are all Spaniards. Let me show you how it's done.
Bart: Umm... Grampa, I don't know where you're going to find bulls around here.
Toreador Grampa: I don't know what you're talking about boy, they're everywhere!

Task: Make Toreador Grampa Taunt Springfielders
Time: 4h

The Abe-ador Pt. 3

Grampa starts

Toreador Grampa: Now, once the bull is hoppin' mad at ya, he'll charge. That's when you stick him with your sword, and wait for

him to bleed to death.
Bart: As a general rule, I approve of all violence. But even I think this sport is disturbing.
Toreador Grampa: I need to get me a sword. Isn't there a pirate that lives down by the shore?
Bart: The Sea Captain? He's no pirate. I think he mainly leads whale-watching daytrips. Not a happy man.
Toreador Grampa: He talks like a pirate. That whole “argh” thing.
Bart: Yeah, and it's annoying. Funny, you don't see him around much anymore, do you?
Bart: It's like everybody just decided all at once they were tired of him.
Toreador Grampa: It happens. Disco Stu went that way. Sad. But, back to the mission at hand -- time to steal some swords!

Task: Reach Level 15 and Build The Frying Dutchman
Task: Make Abe Steal Swords from the Sea Captain
Time: 12h
Location: The Frying Dutchman

The Abe-ador Pt. 4

Grampa starts

Toreador Grampa: Got my sword, and I'm ready to execute some majestic animals in the slowest, most painful way possible, to the

delight of everyone!
Bart: Hey, watch it with that sword. You're swinging it around like a maniac.
Toreador Grampa: “Maniac” is my trademark! The crowd loved me because I was just as likely to kill myself as the bull.
Toreador Grampa: Most of me is replacement limbs stitched on by Spanish surgeons after I hacked off parts of my body.
Toreador Grampa: Lotta Dr. Frankenstein-types in Spain. Wonderful country, Spain. Great food, great architecture, and great Frankensteins.

Task: Make Toreador Grampa Practice Swordsmanship
Time: 24h

On job start:

Wiggum: Abe! You can't wave a sword around in public!
Wiggum: Now, if it was an AR-15 assault rifle you were brandishing, that would be fine.
Wiggum: It would be especially fine if you were to carry it openly into a restaurant --
Wiggum: -- as if you were desperate for someone to challenge your Constitutional right to be a scary creep.
Wiggum: Assault rifles are how we defend freedom and stop bad guys from ever committing any crimes.
Wiggum: It's why crime has ceased to exist -- because everybody is armed to the teeth.
Wiggum: But a SWORD???????? Swords are dangerous!
Homer: Aw, come on, Clancy. When he's slicing and dicing, he's not talking. And when he's not talking, my life is wonderful.
Wiggum: Fine. But if he hurts anyone, YOU have to arrest him. AND do the investigating and statement-taking and all that yucky police work stuff.
Homer: Deal!

The Abe-ador Pt. 5

Grampa starts

Toreador Grampa: Hey! Why am I waving a sword around? What's this cape around my neck?
Bart: You were being a bullfighter. Just like in the old days.
Toreador Grampa: I was never a bullfighter! How could I possibly have had time, when I was the world's most celebrated pesterer of convenience store shoppers?
Toreador Grampa: Here, let me show you how it's done...

Task: Make Toreador Grampa Pester People in Kwik-E-Mart
Time: 8h
Location: Kwik-E-Mart

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Is So Mountain High Enough

Homer starts

Homer: Hey, look! A mountain just appeared out of nowhere. That's... normal, right?
Grampa: Cripes! I've gotten pretty used to entire buildings being erected in 24 hours.
Grampa: And it certainly makes sense that the construction can be completed instantaneously if you lob some donuts at the building site.
Grampa: But a whole mountain? Son, I gotta admit. This one scares me.
Homer: You hear that, Sky Finger? You scared an old man. Nice going.
Homer: You just had to splash some premium currency around, didn't ya? Couldn't bear to leave a single item un-purchased.
Grampa: Now, son. You should thank the Sky Finger for spending its hard-earned money--
Homer: No! I'm through kowtowing to the whales! Do you know what it's like to live in a town that's constantly changing?
Homer: When I look out the window, I never know what I'm going to see! Maybe there'll be some massive new stadium where Moe's used to be.
Homer: Or maybe a thousand identical blue houses will be crammed up against my backyard fence!
Homer: I can't take it any more!!!!! Just stop already!!!!!
Grampa: Son... if the whales stop buyin' stuff, EA will pull the plug on this whole thing tomorrow. They ain't running a charity.
Grampa: Then you, me and everyone we know just ceases to exist. Poof!
Homer: ...
Homer: Uh... hey there, Sky Finger. How we doing? Listen... about what I said before...
Homer: Just a joke, all right? We love our whales. Really. You guys are the most special, wonderful, world-paying-for folks in the whole universe.
Homer: So what'd say we kick the tires on your latest purchase? Let me at that Murderhorn!

Task: Make Homer Climb the Murderhorn Again
Time: 20h
Location: Murderhorn

Homer: Hey, look -- a yeti.
Snow Monster: *ROAR*
Lenny: Watch out, Homer! Them snow abominables will eat anything that moves!
Homer: Lenny, this is a video game. I could eat HIM if I felt like it. In fact, I AM kind of hungry...
Snow Monster: *extremely worried noise*
Lenny: ...
Lenny: Oh my heavens, you did it! You ate an entire yeti. I can't believe what I just saw.
Homer: Mmmm... mythical creature. Anyway, it seemed like the easiest way to wrap this mission up. Now... on to the next thing!