New Year New You: Prizes and Premium Walkthrough
January 20, 2021 1:40PM
edited January 20
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 1
Moe starts
Moe: This wellness crap going around is really cutting into my poison-pushing business.
Homer: It's all these millennial elites forcing this healthy hogwash on the rest of us!
Lenny: Millennials. All they do is spend Mommy and Daddy's money on bushels of kale, $8 green teas, and then when the weekend comes around — Schedule Four Drugs!
Carl: Yeah, no wonder they can never pay off their impossibly large college loans.
Homer: I know it's a little harsh, but I have to say it: millennials suck.
Moe: Look, I don't care about all your fresh takes on modern-day topics!
Moe: What I care about is that nobody's coming into my dank, dimly-lit tavern for their steady intake of brewskies and bar nuts.
Lenny: What are you talking about? All of your customers are here: Me, Carl, Barney, Homer.
Lenny: *looks around the bar* Carl...
Moe: You're forgetting one third of my clientele: Trucker Hat Guy and Stringy Hair Guy.
Lenny: Oh yeah! Wait, are those guys wellness freaks now?
Moe: Trucker Hat traded in his Truck for a Prius...
Moe: And Stringy Hair is so chock-full of Omega-3s from the salmon he's eatin', that his hair is all thick and luscious now.
Lenny: But you got those side gigs in the backroom to prop up business, right?
Carl: Yeah, I'm sure you can make up for it with the exotic animal trade.
Moe: Had to shut it down. Turned out my last batch of cheetahs were just cats spray-painted to look like cheetahs.
Carl: What about the backroom unlicensed surgeries?
Moe: Some guy got an X-ray and saw that I accidentally left a cue ball in his insides. No one's come back since.
Barney: Sounds like you need some new customers, Moe. *belches*
Moe: Yeah, but who? No millennial elite will want to set foot in here.
Homer: We don't need those avocado toasters! I'm sure we can think of something!
Task: Make Barflies Have Drunk Brainstorming Session [x3]
Time: 3h
Location: Moe's Tavern and Homes
Homer: And put another circle there. Great! That completes our Glen diagram.
Lenny: It's Venn diagram.
Homer: Venn? I always thought it was called a Glen diagram because nobody actually knows anyone named Glen.
Homer: And if they DO know someone named Glen, they put him in the middle, because they don't really have a strong opinion of someone named Glen.
Moe: Well, the point is: we need to find the right customers. People with enough money to pay for our unsanctioned surgeries, but also not too much, because then they'd just go to a real doctor.
Carl: So who does that leave us with?
Moe: Looks like the only people left in the center of the diagram are prisoners.
Barney: But Moe, how would you get alone in a room with a prisoner to operate on them?
Moe: Two words: conjugal visits.
Homer: Like the romantic kind?!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 2
Moe starts
Eddie: Alright Moe, you've got five minutes with the prisoner. Use the telephone there on the side of the booth.
Eddie: And no kissing the plexiglass! I'm tired of cleaning lipstick off of it!
Fernando Vidal: Can I help you?
Moe: Fernando Vidal. So they finally got you for murder, eh? Hitman like you, I can't believe it took 'em this long.
Fernando Vidal: Oh, they didn't get me for murder...tax evasion, actually.
Moe: Well, I think we can help each other. I'm here to offer my services to you and your fellow prisoners. Surgical operations on the cheap.
Fernando Vidal: Really? Hmm, that is interesting. There is one particular operation that would come in handy. However, I can only pay you in cigarettes and ramen. That stuff is gold on the inside.
Moe: Hey, that stuff is gold on the outside too. A six-pack of ramen and a carton of cigs, and I'll do whatever operation you need.
Task: Make Moe Haggle Prices
Time: 2h
Location: Springfield Penitentiary, Moe's Tavern or Homes
Moe: So we've agreed on a price. Two cigarette cartons, four ramen packs, plus you gotta shiv the guy in cell block 149B.
Fernando Vidal: Agreed.
Moe: So then what sort of operation were you wanting?
Fernando Vidal: Are you familiar with the film "Face Switch"?
Moe: Oh, boy. Always wanted to do one of those. But look, we just need a private place to meet up, so we, uh…we're gonna have to arrange a visit of a, uh…conjugal nature.
Fernando Vidal: That...I can arrange. There's the Starry Nights Room, Bridal Falls, Daffodil Daydream, and the Execution Room.
Moe: Daffodil Daydream sounds nice.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 3
Moe starts
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Alright, Mr. Vidal. I'm all done. Here's a mirror. What do you think?
Man-in-Tan: I must say, Moe. I can't even recognize myself.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: That's the whole point, ain't it? New face and all.
Man-in-Tan: Your handiwork is a thing of beauty. If you don't mind me asking, where did you procure the other face for the swap?
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Oh. You really want to know the dirty details?
Man-in-Tan: Well, it is my face now.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: I got a guy who works on that life-like robot show "Westworld". His cousin got hit by a truck crossing the street and now you're wearing his face. So that's that.
Man-in-Tan: Well, here are your cigarettes and ramen for payment.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Pleasure doin' business.
Task: Make Unlicensed Surgeon Moe Hand Out Flyers at the Prison
Time: 4h
Lou: Chief, looks like we got an escaped prisoner on the loose again. Here's a picture of him.
Wiggum: Let's hunt this guy down and give him the business.
Wiggum: I mean…apprehend him, gently. *winks*
Wiggum: You there, handsome fella...have you seen this man?
Man-in-Tan: Oh, yes officers. I saw him come out of the prison there, and then he ran that way.
Wiggum: We're on the scent, boys. But I've got two scents at the moment, so first we stop for donuts and then we're headed that way.
Wiggum: He never stood a chance.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 4
Moe starts
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Moe Szyslak, checking in for a… *whispers* a, uh… *mumbles* conjugal visit.
Eddie: It's your fourth time this week, Moe.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Oh, well…we just really love each other.
Eddie: And it's a different prisoner every time.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: We all really love each other.
Eddie: Yeah, but Big Pookie? I mean no judgment, but what do you see in that guy? I once watched him eat a live swan that flew over the fence.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Yep, uh…that's my thing. That's what really does it for me.
Task: Make Unlicensed Surgeon Moe Perform Secret Surgery on Big Pookie
Time: 4h
Location: Springfield Penitentiary, Moe's Tavern or Homes
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 5
Moe starts
Wiggum: Alright, boys. We've tracked the black market surgeon known only as Moesenberg to this conjugal visitation trailer.
Lou: Word on the street is he should be here any second.
Wiggum: I'll take your WORD for it. See what I did there?
Lou: Not really...wait, I hear something, Chief.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Alright, Pookie. Put your brass knuckles down and put on a hospital gown.
Wiggum: *bursting in* Hands where I can see ‘em, Moesenberg!
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: *puts hands up* Chief Wiggum! What an interesting place to meet. Wrapping up a conjugal visit of your own?
Wiggum: You can't fool me, Moesenberg. We know you're doing illegal surgeries for prisoners in this unmonitored daffodil-filled sex den!
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Chief, perhaps you'd be interested in a bit of a Nip and tuck to take care of those extra folds above the utility belt?
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: And, uh, it'd be on the house of course. Blue Badge Special, I call it.
Wiggum: Hmm, ya know I have been thinking about taking care of that extra pound or two I put on. Then I could get back to my college weight.
Wiggum: Boys, wait outside. Pookie, you can stay if you want.
Task: Make Unlicensed Surgeon Moe Give Wiggum the Ol' Nip and Tuck
Time: 5h
Location: Springfield Penitentiary, Moe's Tavern or Homes
Wiggum: I have to say it, Moesenberg. I haven't looked this good since I got a donut hole stuck in my windpipe and I couldn't eat solids for a week.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: You know, if you could pass out my brochure to the boys at the precinct, it would be much appreciated.
Wiggum: Oh, yeah. I'll definitely tell Eddie. He's been talking about getting surgical hair implants for years. *leaves*
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: *looking around* Where did my cellphone go?
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: *gasp* I think I might have sewn it up inside Wiggum.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 1
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: My test run of Serenity Ranch's new approach was a total success if I do say so myself.
Tab Spangler: But I wish I knew how to get the word out to the massive masses...
Kirk: Want some business advice from a guy who's never run a business?
Tab Spangler: No. Is there anyone smarter around or more qualified?
Tab Spangler: Like, uh, Rich Texan or Hank Scorpio?
Kirk: Okay, fine. I'll go and get them...
Kirk: Here's Rich Texan and Hank Scorpio.
The Rich Texan: *fires gun* Marketing your weight loss technique is way too expensive.
Hank Scorpio: Yeah, what you need to do is bring your brand directly to the people. The fat people!
Tab Spangler: I know just what to do...
Hank Scorpio: Is it something evil?! Because I LOVE evil businesses!
Task: Make Tab Spangler Contemplate Promotion Ideas
Time: 2h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
If the user has Hank Scorpio: Task: Make Hank Scorpio Coach Tab Spangler
Time: 2h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
If the user has The Rich Texan: Task: Make Rich Texan Coach Tab Spangler
Time: 2h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Tab Spangler: Thanks for that swell advice, team! Now that I'm an insult comic, I can make fun of every Springfielder that's out of shape!
Hank Scorpio: You ARE evil! My advice was more about how you could become a motivational speaker for your brand...but insult comic?! That's crazy!
The Rich Texan: Let's see it, insult comic. Insult me now! Roast me like a Thanksgiving Turkey!
Tab Spangler: Oil men are a thing of the past. Solar power is the future!
The Rich Texan: That wasn't an insult... You think I don't know about green energy? I keep a diverse portfolio! *fires guns*
Tab Spangler: Hmm, I guess I do need to work on my insulting.
Hank Scorpio: You just need someone better to practice on. How 'bout Kirk?!
Kirk: I don't know... I don't really like getting my feelings hurt.
Tab Spangler: Hey look! It's the guy who drives a Prius but paid the $100 deposit on a Tesla just so he can pretend to be one of the "cool" dads.
Kirk: *crying* I'm going to get that Cybertruck, you just wait!
Hank Scorpio: That was more mean than funny. Maybe you should stick to motivational speaking.
Tab Spangler: You're probably right, Hank Scorpio.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 2
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: I'd like to thank you for letting me invite myself to speak here at the Springfield Comic-Anime-Biker Con!
Database: Who is this dude?
Tab Spangler: Folks, let's be honest: you all are a sad lot. Woefully weak, out of shape, and all-around underperformers.
Comic Book Guy: I'm trying to get in shape with all my kung fu!
Tab Spangler: But it doesn't have to be that way! You have it in you to be your OWN superhero, and I can help you do it.
Ramrod: It's a fair point. The Caped Crusader turned himself into the most feared champion of justice through hard work and discipline.
Comic Book Guy: Give me a break! In real life no one could master kung fu, crime solving, and parallel parking in that short a time!
Comic Book Guy: Trust me! I've tried!
Task: Make Tab Spangler Fail to Regain Nerds' Attention
Time: 3h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Nerds: Make Nerds Argue With Bikers About Comic Books [x3]
Time: 3h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Cosine Tangent: …and THAT is why it is totally possible to perform an emergency tracheotomy while fighting ninjas with a broken skateboard!
Comic Book Guy: The only thing more ludicrous than your argument is how much you paid for that ironic Cthulhu 2020 t-shirt.
Cosine Tangent: It's not ironic! I wrote Cthulhu in when I voted!
Tab Spangler: I feel like I lost them.
Squeaky Voice Attendant: It happens. That'll be forty-five dollars, by the way.
Tab Spangler: What? I'm a volunteer speaker!
Squeaky Voice Attendant: Yeah, plus we don't validate parking.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 3
Tab Spangler starts
Number 1: Okay, Number 908, who'd you line up to speak at this month's Stonecutters meeting?
Homer: Uh, well, Sideshow Raheem cancelled at the last minute, but I found this guy trying to get people to listen to him outside the Sprawl-Mart.
Number 1: I'm not impressed, 908, but I guess it's too late now. May as well let him talk while Number 50 figures out how to tap the keg.
Wiggum: Almost got it!
Tab Spangler: I'm Tab Spangler, here to help you all unleash your inner potential and achieve all your dreams…
Number 1: I'm skeptical but listening.
Task: Make Tab Spangler Motivate the Stonecutters
Time: 4h
Location: Stonecutter Lodge, Springfield Convention Center, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School or Homes
If the user has Number 1: Task: Make Number 1 Get Motivated
Time: 4h
Location: Stonecutter Lodge, Springfield Convention Center, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School or Homes
Number 1: That was more impressive than I expected. Next month's Stonecutters retreat shall be at Serenity Ranch!
Tab Spangler: Really? Finally I'll make some money!
Number 1: How? We're the Stonecutters. We don't actually pay for anything.
Tab Spangler: What? Why would I do that?
Number 1: Well, we can make you a temporary honorary Stonecutter.
Tab Spangler: What does that get me?
Arnie Pye: We'll validate your parking for tonight.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 4
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: *sigh* I can't believe it's come to this…
Skinner: Listen up students, Sideshow Raheem cancelled at the last minute, so today's assembly will feature motivational speaker Todd Springer.
Milhouse: Aw, man! I was looking forward to Sideshow Raheem layin' down some hard truths.
Tab Spangler: Look kids, the bottom line is you can't succeed in life without motivation, and I got bills to pay at Serenity Ranch...
Tab Spangler: So get your parents to check in this weekend and you'll get into a good school…or something... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
Lisa: I can't tell if this is a performance art piece or he's just losing it.
Bart: Anyway, everyone knows the only way to motivate kids is through abject bribery.
Nelson: Yeah! What do we get out of this deal? Some candy? A carton of cigarettes? Ramen? Cash?
Database: I can accept credit card payments via my new phone app.
Task: Make Tab Spangler Break Down and Give Up
Time: 5h
Location: Springfield Elementary, Springfield High School, Springfield Convention Center or Homes
Task: Make Kids Make Demands [x5]
Time: 5h
Location: Springfield Elementary, Springfield High School, Springfield Convention Center or Homes
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 5
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: Ah, what's the use? I was a fool to think I could succeed with a business that tries to improve people in this town!
Sideshow Raheem: I hear ya, brother. People keep inviting me to their places to speak, and I get tired of running back and forth all over town.
Tab Spangler: Wait, people actually want to hear you speak?
Sideshow Raheem: Oh yeah. Makes ‘em feel "woke". And people like it when I scare their kids into submission. I don't dig it myself, but it pays the bills.
Tab Spangler: What if all these people came to you instead of you having to go to them?
Sideshow Raheem: Then I'd be living the dream, man. But what kind of crazy talk is that?
Tab Spangler: The kind that just might work…
Task: Make Tab Spangler Promote New Business Model
Time: 4h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
If the user has Sideshow Raheem: Task: Make Sideshow Raheem Cash In
Time: 4h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Tab Spangler: Welcome, everyone, to the new Serenity Ranch Woke and Wellness Center! Corporate retreats are our specialty.
Hank Scorpio: Brilliant idea, Tab! Not evil, kind of the opposite of evil...but brilliant!
The Rich Texan: Yeah, this ranch reminds of the ranch I grew up on! Any oil on it, by chance?
Tab Spangler: Thanks for all the advice guys. Now, the retreat costs $10,000 per person.
Hank Scorpio: What? All my funds are tied up in the bond market and the killing James Bont market, so—
Sideshow Raheem: You two weren't thinking of not paying, were you?
The Rich Texan: Uh, do you take oil leases?
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Moe starts
Moe: This wellness crap going around is really cutting into my poison-pushing business.
Homer: It's all these millennial elites forcing this healthy hogwash on the rest of us!
Lenny: Millennials. All they do is spend Mommy and Daddy's money on bushels of kale, $8 green teas, and then when the weekend comes around — Schedule Four Drugs!
Carl: Yeah, no wonder they can never pay off their impossibly large college loans.
Homer: I know it's a little harsh, but I have to say it: millennials suck.
Moe: Look, I don't care about all your fresh takes on modern-day topics!
Moe: What I care about is that nobody's coming into my dank, dimly-lit tavern for their steady intake of brewskies and bar nuts.
Lenny: What are you talking about? All of your customers are here: Me, Carl, Barney, Homer.
Lenny: *looks around the bar* Carl...
Moe: You're forgetting one third of my clientele: Trucker Hat Guy and Stringy Hair Guy.
Lenny: Oh yeah! Wait, are those guys wellness freaks now?
Moe: Trucker Hat traded in his Truck for a Prius...
Moe: And Stringy Hair is so chock-full of Omega-3s from the salmon he's eatin', that his hair is all thick and luscious now.
Lenny: But you got those side gigs in the backroom to prop up business, right?
Carl: Yeah, I'm sure you can make up for it with the exotic animal trade.
Moe: Had to shut it down. Turned out my last batch of cheetahs were just cats spray-painted to look like cheetahs.
Carl: What about the backroom unlicensed surgeries?
Moe: Some guy got an X-ray and saw that I accidentally left a cue ball in his insides. No one's come back since.
Barney: Sounds like you need some new customers, Moe. *belches*
Moe: Yeah, but who? No millennial elite will want to set foot in here.
Homer: We don't need those avocado toasters! I'm sure we can think of something!
Task: Make Barflies Have Drunk Brainstorming Session [x3]
Time: 3h
Location: Moe's Tavern and Homes
Homer: And put another circle there. Great! That completes our Glen diagram.
Lenny: It's Venn diagram.
Homer: Venn? I always thought it was called a Glen diagram because nobody actually knows anyone named Glen.
Homer: And if they DO know someone named Glen, they put him in the middle, because they don't really have a strong opinion of someone named Glen.
Moe: Well, the point is: we need to find the right customers. People with enough money to pay for our unsanctioned surgeries, but also not too much, because then they'd just go to a real doctor.
Carl: So who does that leave us with?
Moe: Looks like the only people left in the center of the diagram are prisoners.
Barney: But Moe, how would you get alone in a room with a prisoner to operate on them?
Moe: Two words: conjugal visits.
Homer: Like the romantic kind?!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 2
Moe starts
Eddie: Alright Moe, you've got five minutes with the prisoner. Use the telephone there on the side of the booth.
Eddie: And no kissing the plexiglass! I'm tired of cleaning lipstick off of it!
Fernando Vidal: Can I help you?
Moe: Fernando Vidal. So they finally got you for murder, eh? Hitman like you, I can't believe it took 'em this long.
Fernando Vidal: Oh, they didn't get me for murder...tax evasion, actually.
Moe: Well, I think we can help each other. I'm here to offer my services to you and your fellow prisoners. Surgical operations on the cheap.
Fernando Vidal: Really? Hmm, that is interesting. There is one particular operation that would come in handy. However, I can only pay you in cigarettes and ramen. That stuff is gold on the inside.
Moe: Hey, that stuff is gold on the outside too. A six-pack of ramen and a carton of cigs, and I'll do whatever operation you need.
Task: Make Moe Haggle Prices
Time: 2h
Location: Springfield Penitentiary, Moe's Tavern or Homes
Moe: So we've agreed on a price. Two cigarette cartons, four ramen packs, plus you gotta shiv the guy in cell block 149B.
Fernando Vidal: Agreed.
Moe: So then what sort of operation were you wanting?
Fernando Vidal: Are you familiar with the film "Face Switch"?
Moe: Oh, boy. Always wanted to do one of those. But look, we just need a private place to meet up, so we, uh…we're gonna have to arrange a visit of a, uh…conjugal nature.
Fernando Vidal: That...I can arrange. There's the Starry Nights Room, Bridal Falls, Daffodil Daydream, and the Execution Room.
Moe: Daffodil Daydream sounds nice.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 3
Moe starts
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Alright, Mr. Vidal. I'm all done. Here's a mirror. What do you think?
Man-in-Tan: I must say, Moe. I can't even recognize myself.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: That's the whole point, ain't it? New face and all.
Man-in-Tan: Your handiwork is a thing of beauty. If you don't mind me asking, where did you procure the other face for the swap?
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Oh. You really want to know the dirty details?
Man-in-Tan: Well, it is my face now.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: I got a guy who works on that life-like robot show "Westworld". His cousin got hit by a truck crossing the street and now you're wearing his face. So that's that.
Man-in-Tan: Well, here are your cigarettes and ramen for payment.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Pleasure doin' business.
Task: Make Unlicensed Surgeon Moe Hand Out Flyers at the Prison
Time: 4h
Lou: Chief, looks like we got an escaped prisoner on the loose again. Here's a picture of him.
Wiggum: Let's hunt this guy down and give him the business.
Wiggum: I mean…apprehend him, gently. *winks*
Wiggum: You there, handsome fella...have you seen this man?
Man-in-Tan: Oh, yes officers. I saw him come out of the prison there, and then he ran that way.
Wiggum: We're on the scent, boys. But I've got two scents at the moment, so first we stop for donuts and then we're headed that way.
Wiggum: He never stood a chance.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 4
Moe starts
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Moe Szyslak, checking in for a… *whispers* a, uh… *mumbles* conjugal visit.
Eddie: It's your fourth time this week, Moe.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Oh, well…we just really love each other.
Eddie: And it's a different prisoner every time.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: We all really love each other.
Eddie: Yeah, but Big Pookie? I mean no judgment, but what do you see in that guy? I once watched him eat a live swan that flew over the fence.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Yep, uh…that's my thing. That's what really does it for me.
Task: Make Unlicensed Surgeon Moe Perform Secret Surgery on Big Pookie
Time: 4h
Location: Springfield Penitentiary, Moe's Tavern or Homes
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Ol' Nip and Tuck Pt. 5
Moe starts
Wiggum: Alright, boys. We've tracked the black market surgeon known only as Moesenberg to this conjugal visitation trailer.
Lou: Word on the street is he should be here any second.
Wiggum: I'll take your WORD for it. See what I did there?
Lou: Not really...wait, I hear something, Chief.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Alright, Pookie. Put your brass knuckles down and put on a hospital gown.
Wiggum: *bursting in* Hands where I can see ‘em, Moesenberg!
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: *puts hands up* Chief Wiggum! What an interesting place to meet. Wrapping up a conjugal visit of your own?
Wiggum: You can't fool me, Moesenberg. We know you're doing illegal surgeries for prisoners in this unmonitored daffodil-filled sex den!
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: Chief, perhaps you'd be interested in a bit of a Nip and tuck to take care of those extra folds above the utility belt?
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: And, uh, it'd be on the house of course. Blue Badge Special, I call it.
Wiggum: Hmm, ya know I have been thinking about taking care of that extra pound or two I put on. Then I could get back to my college weight.
Wiggum: Boys, wait outside. Pookie, you can stay if you want.
Task: Make Unlicensed Surgeon Moe Give Wiggum the Ol' Nip and Tuck
Time: 5h
Location: Springfield Penitentiary, Moe's Tavern or Homes
Wiggum: I have to say it, Moesenberg. I haven't looked this good since I got a donut hole stuck in my windpipe and I couldn't eat solids for a week.
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: You know, if you could pass out my brochure to the boys at the precinct, it would be much appreciated.
Wiggum: Oh, yeah. I'll definitely tell Eddie. He's been talking about getting surgical hair implants for years. *leaves*
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: *looking around* Where did my cellphone go?
Unlicensed Surgeon Moe: *gasp* I think I might have sewn it up inside Wiggum.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 1
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: My test run of Serenity Ranch's new approach was a total success if I do say so myself.
Tab Spangler: But I wish I knew how to get the word out to the massive masses...
Kirk: Want some business advice from a guy who's never run a business?
Tab Spangler: No. Is there anyone smarter around or more qualified?
Tab Spangler: Like, uh, Rich Texan or Hank Scorpio?
Kirk: Okay, fine. I'll go and get them...
Kirk: Here's Rich Texan and Hank Scorpio.
The Rich Texan: *fires gun* Marketing your weight loss technique is way too expensive.
Hank Scorpio: Yeah, what you need to do is bring your brand directly to the people. The fat people!
Tab Spangler: I know just what to do...
Hank Scorpio: Is it something evil?! Because I LOVE evil businesses!
Task: Make Tab Spangler Contemplate Promotion Ideas
Time: 2h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
If the user has Hank Scorpio: Task: Make Hank Scorpio Coach Tab Spangler
Time: 2h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
If the user has The Rich Texan: Task: Make Rich Texan Coach Tab Spangler
Time: 2h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Tab Spangler: Thanks for that swell advice, team! Now that I'm an insult comic, I can make fun of every Springfielder that's out of shape!
Hank Scorpio: You ARE evil! My advice was more about how you could become a motivational speaker for your brand...but insult comic?! That's crazy!
The Rich Texan: Let's see it, insult comic. Insult me now! Roast me like a Thanksgiving Turkey!
Tab Spangler: Oil men are a thing of the past. Solar power is the future!
The Rich Texan: That wasn't an insult... You think I don't know about green energy? I keep a diverse portfolio! *fires guns*
Tab Spangler: Hmm, I guess I do need to work on my insulting.
Hank Scorpio: You just need someone better to practice on. How 'bout Kirk?!
Kirk: I don't know... I don't really like getting my feelings hurt.
Tab Spangler: Hey look! It's the guy who drives a Prius but paid the $100 deposit on a Tesla just so he can pretend to be one of the "cool" dads.
Kirk: *crying* I'm going to get that Cybertruck, you just wait!
Hank Scorpio: That was more mean than funny. Maybe you should stick to motivational speaking.
Tab Spangler: You're probably right, Hank Scorpio.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 2
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: I'd like to thank you for letting me invite myself to speak here at the Springfield Comic-Anime-Biker Con!
Database: Who is this dude?
Tab Spangler: Folks, let's be honest: you all are a sad lot. Woefully weak, out of shape, and all-around underperformers.
Comic Book Guy: I'm trying to get in shape with all my kung fu!
Tab Spangler: But it doesn't have to be that way! You have it in you to be your OWN superhero, and I can help you do it.
Ramrod: It's a fair point. The Caped Crusader turned himself into the most feared champion of justice through hard work and discipline.
Comic Book Guy: Give me a break! In real life no one could master kung fu, crime solving, and parallel parking in that short a time!
Comic Book Guy: Trust me! I've tried!
Task: Make Tab Spangler Fail to Regain Nerds' Attention
Time: 3h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Nerds: Make Nerds Argue With Bikers About Comic Books [x3]
Time: 3h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Cosine Tangent: …and THAT is why it is totally possible to perform an emergency tracheotomy while fighting ninjas with a broken skateboard!
Comic Book Guy: The only thing more ludicrous than your argument is how much you paid for that ironic Cthulhu 2020 t-shirt.
Cosine Tangent: It's not ironic! I wrote Cthulhu in when I voted!
Tab Spangler: I feel like I lost them.
Squeaky Voice Attendant: It happens. That'll be forty-five dollars, by the way.
Tab Spangler: What? I'm a volunteer speaker!
Squeaky Voice Attendant: Yeah, plus we don't validate parking.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 3
Tab Spangler starts
Number 1: Okay, Number 908, who'd you line up to speak at this month's Stonecutters meeting?
Homer: Uh, well, Sideshow Raheem cancelled at the last minute, but I found this guy trying to get people to listen to him outside the Sprawl-Mart.
Number 1: I'm not impressed, 908, but I guess it's too late now. May as well let him talk while Number 50 figures out how to tap the keg.
Wiggum: Almost got it!
Tab Spangler: I'm Tab Spangler, here to help you all unleash your inner potential and achieve all your dreams…
Number 1: I'm skeptical but listening.
Task: Make Tab Spangler Motivate the Stonecutters
Time: 4h
Location: Stonecutter Lodge, Springfield Convention Center, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School or Homes
If the user has Number 1: Task: Make Number 1 Get Motivated
Time: 4h
Location: Stonecutter Lodge, Springfield Convention Center, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School or Homes
Number 1: That was more impressive than I expected. Next month's Stonecutters retreat shall be at Serenity Ranch!
Tab Spangler: Really? Finally I'll make some money!
Number 1: How? We're the Stonecutters. We don't actually pay for anything.
Tab Spangler: What? Why would I do that?
Number 1: Well, we can make you a temporary honorary Stonecutter.
Tab Spangler: What does that get me?
Arnie Pye: We'll validate your parking for tonight.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 4
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: *sigh* I can't believe it's come to this…
Skinner: Listen up students, Sideshow Raheem cancelled at the last minute, so today's assembly will feature motivational speaker Todd Springer.
Milhouse: Aw, man! I was looking forward to Sideshow Raheem layin' down some hard truths.
Tab Spangler: Look kids, the bottom line is you can't succeed in life without motivation, and I got bills to pay at Serenity Ranch...
Tab Spangler: So get your parents to check in this weekend and you'll get into a good school…or something... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
Lisa: I can't tell if this is a performance art piece or he's just losing it.
Bart: Anyway, everyone knows the only way to motivate kids is through abject bribery.
Nelson: Yeah! What do we get out of this deal? Some candy? A carton of cigarettes? Ramen? Cash?
Database: I can accept credit card payments via my new phone app.
Task: Make Tab Spangler Break Down and Give Up
Time: 5h
Location: Springfield Elementary, Springfield High School, Springfield Convention Center or Homes
Task: Make Kids Make Demands [x5]
Time: 5h
Location: Springfield Elementary, Springfield High School, Springfield Convention Center or Homes
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Motivation to the Masses Pt. 5
Tab Spangler starts
Tab Spangler: Ah, what's the use? I was a fool to think I could succeed with a business that tries to improve people in this town!
Sideshow Raheem: I hear ya, brother. People keep inviting me to their places to speak, and I get tired of running back and forth all over town.
Tab Spangler: Wait, people actually want to hear you speak?
Sideshow Raheem: Oh yeah. Makes ‘em feel "woke". And people like it when I scare their kids into submission. I don't dig it myself, but it pays the bills.
Tab Spangler: What if all these people came to you instead of you having to go to them?
Sideshow Raheem: Then I'd be living the dream, man. But what kind of crazy talk is that?
Tab Spangler: The kind that just might work…
Task: Make Tab Spangler Promote New Business Model
Time: 4h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
If the user has Sideshow Raheem: Task: Make Sideshow Raheem Cash In
Time: 4h
Location: Serenity Ranch, Springfield Convention Center, Springfield Wrestling Pavilion, Aztec Theater, Adult Education Annex, Springfield High School, Town Hall or Homes
Tab Spangler: Welcome, everyone, to the new Serenity Ranch Woke and Wellness Center! Corporate retreats are our specialty.
Hank Scorpio: Brilliant idea, Tab! Not evil, kind of the opposite of evil...but brilliant!
The Rich Texan: Yeah, this ranch reminds of the ranch I grew up on! Any oil on it, by chance?
Tab Spangler: Thanks for all the advice guys. Now, the retreat costs $10,000 per person.
Hank Scorpio: What? All my funds are tied up in the bond market and the killing James Bont market, so—
Sideshow Raheem: You two weren't thinking of not paying, were you?
The Rich Texan: Uh, do you take oil leases?
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
1
Replies
Mrs. Frink starts
Mrs. Frink: For cryin' out glayvin! Give me back that test tube!
Vicious Monkeys: *monkey noises*
Sebastian Cobb: Quick everyone, clear out! Ned Flanders is here!
Stephen Hawking: No — Not — That guy.
Sebastian Cobb: He's leading his biweekly "crimes against nature" crusade!
Mrs. Frink: Now?! But I had that in my calendar for next week!
Sebastian Cobb: I'm afraid even we scientists don't understand the meaning of "biweekly"!
Vicious Monkeys: *shrugging noises*
Sebastian Cobb: Ok, I'll take the Monkeys and the Super Soldier Squirrels and you get rid of…you know…THAT.
Octoparrot: *croak*
Mrs. Frink: Octoparrot?! I'm not going to let them harm a feather on your head.
Octoparrot: Or tentacle!
Task: Make Mrs. Frink Rescue Octoparrot
Time: 1h
Location: Screaming Monkey Medical Research Center, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research, Frink's Lab, Frink's House or Homes
If the user has Sebastian Cobb: Task: Make Sebastian Cobb Wrangle the Monkeys
Time: 1h
Location: Screaming Monkey Medical Research Center, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research, Frink's Lab, Frink's House or Homes
If the user has Ned: Task: Make Ned Harass Scientists
Time: 1h
Location: Screaming Monkey Medical Research Center, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research, Frink's Lab, Frink's House or Homes
Mrs. Frink: Hey honey, I'm home — and I've got a surprise.
Professor Frink: Flayvin do I like a good surprise.
Octoparrot: Flayvin!
Professor Frink: Hoyvin!
Octoparrot: Hoyvin!
Professor Frink: What is with the flipping and the flapping and the repeating—
Mrs. Frink: I have to keep Octoparrot hidden in our house for a while.
Professor Frink: But where the glayvin will we put this ink-shooting copy-cat?!
Mrs. Frink: The guest bedroom?
Octoparrot: *brawk* Master bedroom!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Nature to Nurture Pt. 2
Mrs. Frink starts
Professor Frink: By my calculations, this parrot doesn't just display repetitive behavior, but communicates with advanced avian intelligence.
Octoparrot: Duh! *sprays ink*
Mrs. Frink: His octopus DNA makes him smarter than your average bird.
Professor Frink: I still don't recognize his scientific purpose.
Mrs. Frink: Octoparrot is just Phase One in our mission to one day merge the DNA of humans and parrots.
Octoparrot: I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I'm hungry!
Professor Frink: He sounds pretty human to me.
Task: Make Mrs. Frink Try to Feed Octoparrot
Time: 4h
Location: Frink's House, Frink's Lab, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research or Homes
If the user has Octoparrot: Requires: Octoparrot
If the user has Professor Frink: Task: Make Frink Clean Up Ink-Stains With Lasers
Time: 4h
Location: Frink's House, Frink's Lab, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research or Homes
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Nature to Nurture Pt. 3
Mrs. Frink starts
Octoparrot: *burps*
Professor Frink: Well, we've learned that this invertebrate bird likes to eat fish.
Mrs. Frink: I'm growing to like him as a pet.
Octoparrot: I'm hungry! I'm hungry! *ink spray*
Professor Frink: Well, he's good practice before we create our own children.
Mrs. Frink: Children... Miniaturize some of your clothes. I have an idea!
Professor Frink: Miniaturize them? But that technology is far too advanced!
Mrs. Frink: We get it. You invented the Shrink Ray...
Professor Frink: I did! But my shrink ray is very sensitive. If you shrink something, you can't just zap it back and make it big again.
Mrs. Frink: Now that would be something worth investing in.
Professor Frink: *zaps his clothes*
Task: Make Mrs. Frink Disguise Octoparrot
Time: 2h
Location: Frink's House, Frink's Lab, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research or Homes
If the user has Professor Frink: Task: Make Frink Miniaturize Clothes
Time: 2h
Location: Frink's House, Frink's Lab, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research or Homes
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Nature to Nurture Pt. 4
Mrs. Frink starts
Squeaky Voice Teen: Welcome to the Childrarium. How can I help you?
Mrs. Frink: I would like to drop my son off to be nurtured and educated while I go get a mani-pedi and feel smugly superior to other parents because I'm paying to give my child a head start.
Squeaky Voice Teen: We really appreciate that kind of honesty here at the Childrarium.
Mrs. Frink: I just want the best for my child, Octoparrot.
Squeaky Voice Teen: His name is Octoparrot?
Mrs. Frink: Well, we prefer to call him by his nickname: Octo.
Squeaky Voice Teen: All right, Octo. Time for a fun-filled day at the Childrarium!
Octoparrot: *ink spray*
Squeaky Voice Teen: My eyes!
Mrs. Frink: He, uh, likes black licorice and sometimes spits at strangers. Sorry.
Task: Make Mrs. Frink Get a Mani-Pedi
Time: 8h
Location: Frink's House, Frink's Lab, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research or Homes
If the user has Squeaky Voice Teen: Task: Make Squeaky Voice Teen Watch ViewTube While Kids Run Wild
Time: 8h
Location: Childrarium, Springfield Gymdandee or Homes
Squeaky Voice Teen: Welcome back, ma'am. Here's your son and— Oh, one of his mittens came off and OH MY GOD, IS THAT A TENTACLE?!
Mrs. Frink: Let's just put that mitten back on and no it wasn't.
Squeaky Voice Teen: I'm pretty sure it was!
Mrs. Frink: *zaps with shrink ray* Sorry, but you know too much.
Squeaky Voice Teen: I'm as small as the toddlers now!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Nature to Nurture Pt. 5
Mrs. Frink starts
Mrs. Frink: I'm tired of putting in all the work to raise our 8-tentacled crime against nature while you futz around trying to generate cold fusion in your lab!
Professor Frink: I knew Octoparrot would create a divide between us!
Octoparrot: *brawk* I choose neither of you in the divorce!
Professor Frink: I never wanted a genetically-engineered faux-child. That was all you. You HAD to have one, and I supported you in that, but you always knew that I have very important science work.
Mrs. Frink: Yeah, doing what? Robotics?
Professor Frink: Robots are the future!
Mrs. Frink: You just built another robot bartender didn't you?
Professor Frink: Yes! And Charles can make ice AND serve drinks, thank you very much.
Professor Frink: But by Glayvin's ghost, I can't get him to stop crushing the ice cubelets!
Robot: *crushing noises* Here's your margarita, sir.
Octoparrot: Can I get seven more for each of my tentacles?
Robot: Would you like them with salt, sir?
Task: Make Mrs. Frink Complain About Frink
Time: 5h
Location: Frink's House, Frink's Lab, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research or Homes
If the user has Professor Frink: Task: Make Frink Work on Robot Bartender
Time: 5h
Location: Frink's House, Frink's Lab, Hidden Research Facility, Monsarno Research or Homes
Ned: Hi-diddly-ho, science-a-reenos!
Mrs. Frink: Ned Flanders! Uh, what are you doing here?
Ned: Everyone in town knows you and Frink are hiding some sort of lab-grown monster.
Mrs. Frink: But how? I've been so careful!
Ned: Well, your octoparrot has been spraying ink all around town.
Ned: But you can all relax. Some archaeologists just discovered a new stash of early Christian manuscripts — the Deader Sea Scrolls.
Ned: And in it, there's a new gospel that says abominations are okay as long as they're cute!
Mrs. Frink: So our little Octo is safe?
Ned: Who's the cute little octoparrot, who?
Octoparrot: *brawk* Get me away from this weirdo! And from all of you!
Mrs. Frink: Octo's right. You belong in this world. Go and be free, little Octo!
Professor Frink: So long, son.
Octoparrot: *brawk* I'll send you a postcard from Rio! *flies away*
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Finally picked up Yupprechaun and Sham Rock Cafe for 120 donuts, he's been on my list of missing NPCs for years.
Boohoo!
He doesn't have a story line at all, not even a: "Place Sham Rock Cafe," then "Tap Yupprechaun to receive reward." prompt.