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Would someone please tell a joke?

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knock knock

Replies

  • obake-odori
    650 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    All the jokes I know are completely unsuitable for this forum. :wink:
  • MuleHeadJoe
    176 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

    Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

    "No, what?" replied the man.

    "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ****, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to poop that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
  • shootout4
    158 posts
    edited December 2013
    knock knock
    Who's there?
  • IncarceratedBart
    78 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    shootout4 wrote:
    knock knock
    Who's there?

    definitely not the Christmas update! ughhhhhh
  • tiger10036778
    842 posts
    edited December 2013
    OK........
    a rabbit goes into a pub and asks for a ham and cheese toasty. The barman gives him one and the rabbit pays andleaves.

    this goes on for 10 days until the barman has no ham left. The rabbit decides on a bacon and cheese toasty instead.


    the rabbit doesnt visit the bar for a few days, and when he eventually turns up, the barman notices he is see through and can walk through walls.

    the barman asks the rabbit why this is......

    "Thats easy", says the rabbit.

    "I died"

    "What from" asks the barman

    "Mixin-my-toasties" says the rabbit.
  • HillyBillyOli
    1422 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    What did the blind man say when he passed the fish shop?

















    Evening, ladies!
  • cheesypasta1
    698 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    I'll tell you a joke.


    EA!!!!


    Thank you. Thank you.
  • Ditsy6
    255 posts
    edited December 2013
    Knock Knock....

    Who's there?

    Another Christmas thread...

    No ones home!!! :mrgreen:
  • Itsyaboidrew
    87 posts
    edited December 2013
    I'll tell you a joke.


    EA!!!!


    Thank you. Thank you.


    hahaha best joke ever!!!!!!!!!
  • MuleHeadJoe
    176 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    OK........
    a rabbit goes into a pub ...

    snip


    ... "Mixin-my-toasties" says the rabbit.


    ... is this like that "parrots eat-em all" joke where you have to be British or something like that to understand? Coz, I'm not getting it.
  • tiger10036778
    842 posts
    edited December 2013
    How do check if an elephant has been in your fridge?












    look for footprints in the butter!
  • Dannesand
    434 posts Member
    edited December 2013
  • direwolf987
    7450 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    What's red and smells like blue paint?













    Red Paint (I know best joke ever)
  • tiger10036778
    842 posts
    edited December 2013
    OK........
    a rabbit goes into a pub ...

    snip


    ... "Mixin-my-toasties" says the rabbit.


    ... is this like that "parrots eat-em all" joke where you have to be British or something like that to understand? Coz, I'm not getting it.

    yes....... a toasty is, I believe, called a "grilled" sandwich in your part of the world.......

    myxamatosis is a fatal rabbit disease that can decimate rabbits (100% fatal). The joke revolves around myxamatosis sounding like mixin my toasties.

    hey ho....... now you know how we feel when we get in-jokes about states of the USA on US comedy shows :wink::wink:
  • neuroheart
    8132 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    shootout4 wrote:
    knock knock
    Who's there?

    Doctor.
  • ecneralc
    3182 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    OK........
    a rabbit goes into a pub ...

    snip


    ... "Mixin-my-toasties" says the rabbit.


    ... is this like that "parrots eat-em all" joke where you have to be British or something like that to understand? Coz, I'm not getting it.

    I'm not getting it either lol. Ok I knew what a toasty was that's obvious, didn't know about myxomatosis.
  • MuleHeadJoe
    176 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

    The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

    The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

    "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
  • philippama998
    739 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    and god said there shall be light and chuck norris said OK
  • pemberleypark
    27 posts
    edited December 2013
    OK........
    a rabbit goes into a pub ...

    snip


    ... "Mixin-my-toasties" says the rabbit.


    ... is this like that "parrots eat-em all" joke where you have to be British or something like that to understand? Coz, I'm not getting it.

    I'm not British, so I'M PROBABLY VERY WRONG, but I think toasties are sandwiches and the mixin-my-toasties is a play on myxomatosis (?) which is a disease that affects rabbits.
  • direwolf987
    7450 posts Member
    edited December 2013
    Here's something I found hilarious. Oklahoma go 3 inches of snow and declared a State of Emergency.
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