Aghhhh

juliet603

I only know one joke, and I think I used it already

Let me ask google if he knows one

Edit: ok he knew one:



I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to comment.

wilki1999

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Hump-three

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot

yukongirl123

It was a good one though JBlue. You could use it again

wilki1999

yukongirl123 wrote:

It was a good one though JBlue. You could use it again

Dont think i have seen hers...

henpot7514

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

wilki1999

henpot7514 wrote:

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

Cloud

What do you call a fish with no I's?
FSH

annettemarc

juliet603 wrote:

Why did I go to my mums? She is literally the most annoying person in the world and talks to me like I'm 12!!

Please use this as a thread for stupid jokes that will cheer me (and everyone) up! Pretty please!

Pleaaaseeeee! Make me not want 2 kill my mum!

Not really a joke, but it is about how annoying my mother sometimes was. I mentioned it before on the forum, so forgive the repetition.

She was 90. I was visiting my parents at their house. Just me.

My nephew Matt and his fianc? had just moved into an apartment together -- a month before their wedding day.

Mom -- very old-fashioned about premarital sex -- was complaining about Matt and Alison's sinful ways. She said to me: "They're already sleeping together. WHY do they even bother getting married?" I said "Gosh. I don't know." and turned to my dad and said "So Dad -- other than sex, why'd you marry Mom?"

(Is that how your mom is? Judgmental and overbearing? Aren't they fun?)



In other ways, my mom was awesome. When Mom had her final cerebral stroke, she was in a casino. When I go, that's where I want to be. Sitting at a slot machine. I'd hate for my last moments to be wasted in the kitchen cooking dinner. (Way to go, Mom.)

barryriddl474

My brother is addicted to brake fluid.
He says it isn't a problem, because he can stop any time.

yukongirl123

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

mr_skeltal_80

barryriddl474 wrote:

My brother is addicted to brake fluid.
He says it isn't a problem, because he can stop any time.

mr_skeltal_80

It's gray and whenyou get it in your eye, you're dead. What is it?

yukongirl123

A couple is lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her *, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said "Found the remote."

wilki1999

yukongirl123 wrote:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Haha!!

Wijsheid

A blind man walks into a bar.





And a table. And a chair.

yukongirl123

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

barryriddl474

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here.''

wilki1999

yukongirl123 wrote:

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

yukongirl123

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

mr_skeltal_80

Yukon is on a roll here! And i don't mean an eyeroll...

wilki1999

yukongirl123 wrote:

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

God, where do you get these from!

henpot7514

How do you...? ^^