A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, he's dead. Now what?"
A very unattractive woman is in a bar, and she raises her arm (revealing very hairy armpits) and asks which man is going to buy her a drink.
A man in the corner, who had been consuming massive amounts of alcohol throughout the day, said "I'll buy the little ballerina a drink!"
The woman drank the drink in about 10 minutes, and raised her arm again, asking which man would buy her a drink. Most of the patrons were repulsed, but the same drunk said, "I'll buy the little ballerina a drink!"
This continued for hours, until the bartender finally went over to the drunk man and asked, "What in the world makes you think SHE is a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman that can hold her leg that high must be a ballerina."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, and there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"
Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the sh *t out of him!"
Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, and there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"
Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the sh *t out of him!"
Replies
(GROAN.)
Here. As soon as I saw this picture, the first thing I thought of was your son.
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, he's dead. Now what?"
A very unattractive woman is in a bar, and she raises her arm (revealing very hairy armpits) and asks which man is going to buy her a drink.
A man in the corner, who had been consuming massive amounts of alcohol throughout the day, said "I'll buy the little ballerina a drink!"
The woman drank the drink in about 10 minutes, and raised her arm again, asking which man would buy her a drink. Most of the patrons were repulsed, but the same drunk said, "I'll buy the little ballerina a drink!"
This continued for hours, until the bartender finally went over to the drunk man and asked, "What in the world makes you think SHE is a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman that can hold her leg that high must be a ballerina."
You've got the shortlink. It only works if you copy the entire link from the website and remove the s in https. It's really annoying. :evil:
Here's the vid:
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Wij was that your kids again? You should watch out for Annette she's a stalker! :P
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Thanks Elian!
Those goats are the best.
Did you know that HIV is actually Roman for high five? Pass it on or, rather, dont. :shock:
I've got more if you want!
Lol
Credit to Jblue, posted on another thread
Ha! Fanta sea! Bad jokes are the best!
I couldn't see the goat thing, but I love goats so I'm sure it was funny lol!
When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principals office and the Principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So, Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, "What do you have in your hand?"
So again Little Johnny said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand!"
Little Johnny opened his hand and said, "Look Dad you scared the sh *t out of him!"