A man walks into a bar obviously stone drunk, and asks for a drink. Sorry the bartender but you obviously already had a little to much to drink. Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door. Can I have a drink please. Sorry the bartender says but you cant have a drink here. The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door. Can I please have a drink. Enough! The bartender screamed I told You No Drinks! The Drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed Darn! how many bars you work at.
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel
the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and
trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted "OK, OK, I can't parallel park! You do it, you smug b**ard."
I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasnt the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldnt have thought so much.
A dog, a cat, and a p*nis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!. The cat says,;I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter. The p*nis outraged, says At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!
The local church was desperately looking to hire someone to ring the church bell. After over a week of no leads, a fellow shows up asking for the job. The president of the church walks out of his office to interview the job candidate when he notices the man has no arms. Excuse me sir, said the president, but how do you expect to ring the bill without arms? Just watch, said the man confidently, and with that, the man charged toward the bell and banged his face onto it emitting a wonderful loud clang. Wow said the president that was wonderful! Agreed said the secretary coming in that was simply beautiful. Can I see you do it again? asked the secretary, who missed the first performance. Sure said the man, who again charged toward the bell. Unfortunately he tripped on the way and died. Do we even know his name? asked the baffled secretary. I dont know answered the president, but his face sure rang a bell!
A string walks into a bar. Excuse me, he asks can I please have a drink? Nope replies the bartender we dont serve strings. Upset at the racism the string asks a fellow at the bar to buy him a drink. Seeing this the bartender picks him up and throws him out of the bar. The string walks over to a curb rubs himself against it and ties himself in a knot, then walks back into the bar. Excuse me, can I please have a drink? Arent you the string that was just here? asks the bartender. No came the answer, Im a frayed knot.
An old man becomes so senile and disoriented that his wife takes him to the doctor to be diagnosed.
At the end of the visit, the doctor says "Well, the lab tests are inconclusive. Your husband has either advanced syphilis or advanced Alzheimer's Disease. I'm not sure which it is."
The old woman says "Well, what do I do now?"
The doctor says "Well, drive about ten miles from where you live, drop him off, and leave. Then go home. If he makes it home, for God's sake don't sleep with him."
USA/UK Race To Throw Country Into Utter Chaos = TOO CLOSE TO CALL
The local church was desperately looking to hire someone to ring the church bell. After over a week of no leads, a fellow shows up asking for the job. The president of the church walks out of his office to interview the job candidate when he notices the man has no arms. Excuse me sir, said the president, but how do you expect to ring the bill without arms? Just watch, said the man confidently, and with that, the man charged toward the bell and banged his face onto it emitting a wonderful loud clang. Wow said the president that was wonderful! Agreed said the secretary coming in that was simply beautiful. Can I see you do it again? asked the secretary, who missed the first performance. Sure said the man, who again charged toward the bell. Unfortunately he tripped on the way and died. Do we even know his name? asked the baffled secretary. I dont know answered the president, but his face sure rang a bell!
Lol
Three men are trapped on a island surviving a plane crash, 2 average men and one dumb man. Sitting on the beach thinking of what to do, the dumb man comes up with a genius plan "lets dig a hole back home". The two average men roll there eyes "yeah what ever idiot". The dumb man comes accross a lamp, he climbs out the hole and shows the other two. One of the men rub the lamp and out comes a genie, the genie said "you have one wish each". The first average man said "I want to be back home with my family", and of he went. The second average man said the same thing, of he went, the dumb man didnt know what he wanted until he said this "um, iam kinda bored, can I have my friends back".
Replies
None. *You* have six women.
I've been trying to figure it out since you originally posted it. I would have never guessed a train. :shock:
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
as his wife moved forwards then backwards,
forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out,
a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel
the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and
trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted "OK, OK, I can't parallel park! You do it, you smug b**ard."
Aye. It has been a fun day.
0.99999999999999999...
Arrrrrr!
At the end of the visit, the doctor says "Well, the lab tests are inconclusive. Your husband has either advanced syphilis or advanced Alzheimer's Disease. I'm not sure which it is."
The old woman says "Well, what do I do now?"
The doctor says "Well, drive about ten miles from where you live, drop him off, and leave. Then go home. If he makes it home, for God's sake don't sleep with him."
Lol
Three men are trapped on a island surviving a plane crash, 2 average men and one dumb man. Sitting on the beach thinking of what to do, the dumb man comes up with a genius plan "lets dig a hole back home". The two average men roll there eyes "yeah what ever idiot". The dumb man comes accross a lamp, he climbs out the hole and shows the other two. One of the men rub the lamp and out comes a genie, the genie said "you have one wish each". The first average man said "I want to be back home with my family", and of he went. The second average man said the same thing, of he went, the dumb man didnt know what he wanted until he said this "um, iam kinda bored, can I have my friends back".
(You have NO IDEA how badly I wanted the TT to be "Talk like a pirate".)
You could have made that my TT! If elian made you do otherwise I have ten pounds of cheddar going his way!