Oh my... GOD! I went through every other step, except the putting up my DxDiag, in this Tech issue thread.
Language change - No, that pretty much did nothing.
Repair option - Nein, didn't fix or do anything even if it went on for a good 5 minutes doing something.
Change to windowed - No, didn't work
Update files - Nope, wasn't that either
Delete the .exe files for trial and full game and let Origin reinstall these files - Oh, yes THIS works. An incredibly easy and very weird kind of bug
This aside, I do STILL have the issue of the game always starting up on my secondary screen, and having to move the window or having to use alt+enter a few times in order to "force" it onto my main screen. Minor grievance and something "corrected" easily enough on the startup of the game though.