The November patch is coming early!

Thank you for posting this, I was just about to do so myself 🙂

Here's hoping they don't break anything else. 🤞

My minimal expectation is to fix loadfreeze.

My max expectation is big balance changes and even maybe  some minor gameplay changes + ops modification(like allow multiple base locations and escape phase)

And i don't care about new cosmetics, game has too much problems to think about cosmatics.

About bloody time we had some updates rolled out, but as Kratos says to Atreus "keep your expectations low and you will never be disappointed" 

Yay i guess 

*Disclaimer: These patch notes are nothing but a joke, please don't take them seriously. It mostly buffs whatever needs nerfing and nerfs whatever needs buffing with a logic that exceedz all brainz.*

Patch Notes:

Super Brainz

• Increased the width of his super fist. "We think Nightcaps/Acorns still escape many Super Brainz punches, so we buffed it!"
• Super Ultra Ball activation time had been reduced by 0.5 seconds.
• The shield's HP had been buffed. "We noticed how fragile All-Stars shield is, so we needed to give the zombies something that matches Citron's."

Deadbeard

• Eggsplosion radius had been increased. "Eggsplosion wasn't working as intended."
• Imp can ride Parrot Pal. "why not? 2 guns in the sky!"
• Increased barrel's default speed to match sprinting speed. "We have noticed many plants sprinting away from the barrel." 
• Changed the barrel upgrade to increase its radius instead of speed. "Now you can kill more plants using that!"
• Hook can now one hit plants. "Due to the wonky-ness of this ability, we made it vanquish targets as well. This should give it more utility."

Space Cadet

• Space Cadet riders will no longer die if the Space Station is down. "We think it's unfair for the riding players to die and be unrevivable."
• Crater Maker's radius had been increased by 0.5. "This would help Space Cadet player catch more enemies under its laser."
• Further buffed the shields. "Pea Gatling had been shredding it fast. So we buffed it."

Engineer

• Increased Stun duration by 10 seconds. "Some plants can outlive the normal stun duration, especially when there are Sunflowers around, so we buffed it! Go get your vanquish!"
• Heavy Helper will also heal your teammates! "After going back to the drawing board, we thought maybe we should allow all Support heroes to heal, after all people are complaining about Scientist's healing!"
• Speed pads will also increase jump height. "Speed pad had been misused by players and we thought maybe adding jump height would make it more useful."

Chomper

• Zombies can shoot you and force you out of your borrow. "We think it's unfair to have a hero go invincible underground."
• Grody Goop's radius had been decreased. "It is too easy to infect Zombies with the current Goop, so we reduced it."
• Spike weeds will roll out for 2 seconds now! "Spitting Spike weeds behind zombie players is unfair and can be frustrating, so we increased the roll duration!"

Rose

• Removed homing thistle altogether. "Homing thistles had more accuracy rate than intended... Now Rose should feel more skill based."
• Arcane Enigma radius had been reduced. "We noticed many plants escape crater maker easily."
• Reduced the damage modifier of Jinx by 25%. "Rose's Jinx melt down targets extremely fast now. In order to reduce the sudden damage frustration to zombie players, we reduced its damage."
• Goatify will now work on Space Stations and Mechs. You will see large goats that deal 100 damage each time they hit you. "We noticed some players spamming this ability, so we needed to make it reward skilled players and punish bad ones... Careful who you use Goatify on!"

Peashooter

• Further increased Pea Gatling ammo. "Pea Gatling had been under performing according to our data. So we gave him more ammo."
• Chili Bean's radius had been increased 50%. "The failure rate of chili beans is overwhelming. Players will be able to get more cheap vanquishes with it now!"
• Homing Peas will follow hiding zombies. "We heard you loud and clear. You hate enemy players sprinting away? Now the homing pea will do the kill for you!"
• Increased Peashooter's HP from 125 to 150. "The plants need more tanky heroes..."

Sunflower

• Reverted Sunflower's damage back to normal. "We noticed that some players outperformed Kernel Corn and made him look bad... So we needed to revert it back, perhaps more players can enjoy Corn without feeling inferior."
• Further decreased the amount of Sun Drops. "Zombies can be easily denied the chance to fight plants because of those Sun Drops, so we reduced their sizes and their healing capabilities."
• Blossom Upgrade will no longer heal Sunflower. "This was an intended behavior, and we fixed that. You're welcome!"
• Healing Beam will now expose you from behind walls. "We've read many reports about frustrated players who dislike their enemies escaping easily then getting healed. This is Part 1 of nerfing all annoyances that occur because of sprinting."

Kernel Corn

• We made Butter Beacon work as a radar. Instead of seeing enemies behind walls and give you a wallhack ability, we decided to make enemy targets get scanned every 1 second. That means you will see their highlights behind walls for a moment until the butter scans for targets again.
• Husk Hop's distance had been increased. "Be careful! you might go to the opposite side of the map with that!"
• Kernel Corn will now scream out loud every time he tries to launch a shuck shot. "This should give players the time to react."

Cactus

• We added bigger flash lights to potato mines. "We think this ability needs more skill. So we decided not to punish enemies for not paying attention."
• Garlic Drone's bulb barrage had been reduced. "There had been reports of it taking too long and being unfair vs Eggsplosion, so we reduced the number of bulbs."

Snapdragon

• Blue Blazes will target all players within the radius of his reticle. That means Snapdragon will spit multiple blazes that track and follow players. "Again, this is part 1 of punishing escaping players."
• Blue Blazes speed had been further increased, as well as its radius. "This is to make up for the fire spray we couldn't buff this month."
• Swoop Slam will cause tremors that stun zombies. "We know you're jealous of Engineer's stun, so we added more chances of stunning in this game!"

General Improvements

• Increased sprinting speed further. "now you can chase down escaping targets fas... oh wait?! we'll need to fix this next patch after 1 month. Oh wait, 3 months"
• We decreased the responsiveness of the controls. "This should decrease the sprinting frustrations since enemies won't be able to turn fast enough to shoot you or escape. You will have the competitive advantage if you spot them first."

OPs

• We decreased the number of waves to 3. "We noticed how boring OPs is, so we decided to make it less boring!"
• Decreased the number of enemies. "Now you can finish those 3 waves faster!"
• The bosses had been reduced to 3 only.

Turf Takeover maps

• We decreased the objective sizes of Peachy District. "We noticed that many players enjoy the small objectives of Goopy Gully."
• Pushing payload speed had been reduced in Loggy Acres. "This should give plants enough time to go back to action!"
• Overtime had been completely removed. "We figured that players will always exploit it no matter what, so we removed it.. So go capture the objective within the time given instead!"

Fin.

That's all, folks!

This is a joke post.. Please don't take it seriously... Feel free to add more... If you'd like.

These jokes do not reflect my opinion about what needs to be buffed or nerfed. I hope you understand that too.

I respect all the effort PopCap pours in patching the game. So thank you for releasing it earlier than early Novermber!