Hey everyone! š š MERRY CHRISTMAS! š I am SO excited to share my 2022 Christmas story with y'all this year. š I've been working tirelessly on it since October and it has been a real joy. It...
Thank you @KevinL5275 ? It was getting a little rough over here for a bit. :grimace:
But anyway, the power is back on tonight baby! :star: And now I can post the next Chapter! :mrgreen:
Y'all ready for this ride? :smirk: I hope it doesn't fall into the category of being "too serious" for a Christmas story, but...it's fine. I worry too much. ;) I've polished up this chapter I dunno how many times and I'm hoping that I did it right. ?? Enjoy! <3
I was beginning to feel just as lost and confused in my love life as Landon was.
Dinner that night with Kai felt nothing but awkward, well, at least on my end anyway. I hated it. And I kept telling myself to snap out of it. Nothing happened between me and Aizen. We didnāt kiss, though it sure seemed like Aizen was about to when we were on the snowy ground together there, with his warm breath beating down on my neck and the sensual huskiness in his voice. And the most gut wrenching part of it wasā¦I wanted him to kiss me. My soul was hungering for it. But why? Things were going so well between me and Kai. There was no reason for my heart to so swiftly pull away from him and reach for Aizen. But it didā¦and it was.
I just didnāt understand it and I was struggling desperately to figure it out.
When Kai and I kissed goodnight on the same porch we shared our very first kiss, I couldnāt feel the same desire for him or passion in our kisses like I did before. The ever melodious tune in our kisses fellā¦flat. Sadly. And it was breaking my heart.
There were a couple of times when he asked if I was feeling alright - the second being during our parting kiss - and I just assured him I was, chalking it up to feeling tired after a long, cold day. Which wasnāt entirely untrue.
At bedtime I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at one of the knobs on my dresser, lost in heart-aching confusion. I really thought I had a promising future with Kai, was happily planning for it, and then clear out of left field Aizen swoops in, practically sharing his feelings for me, and creating a massive detour in the road towards my future.
However, after I said it, my heart produced feelings quite to the contrary. Aizenās rude and standoffish attitude before was such a turn off that never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine developing any feelings for him. (You remember!) But now that this other side of him had resurfaced, perhaps because of me, the man I truly hoped he was underneath all that grief and sorrow was real. And in the background of all our moments together was his sweet daughter, who poured out such loving kindness towards me the moment we met that I couldnāt not give her the same kindness in return. In factā¦I was beginning to love her.
Almost to the point that I wanted to be her mommy, and fill that terrible void in her life.
I lifted my head as I began to realizeā¦
The love that had developed towards Amaya is what sparked these feelings within my heart for her father; aside from witnessing such a wonderful change in him lately. And I couldn't disregard how extremely attractive he is! The more I thought about him the more I found myself fallingā¦
My frown turned upwards into a bright smile thinking about the possible future the three of us could have together. My heart fluttered in excitement over it. And I could see, and feel, nothing but love and happiness in it. That said something to me.
I had to tell Kai how I was feelingā¦
I wasnāt sure how he was going to take it. But he deserved to know.
āāā
The next morning, Kai came over to my house with a breakfast basket for two. Gosh he was so sweet. It made what I needed to share with him all the more difficult to do, and I was struggling to hold back my emotions enough as it was.
We ate privately in the living room, the coffee table as our dining table, and made small talk. It was nice, but I ate slowly due to my stomach being all tied up in knots. When we finished the meal, Kai tucked the basket away and then rested his elbows on his leg, weaving his fingers together. āSo,ā he said with his cute smile. āI was thinking about how New Year's Eve is almost here andā¦weāve got a lot to discuss before we both have to go back home.ā āYES!ā I practically blew out. My eyes closed for a moment, then I opened them with a swallow. āYes, we certainly do, butā¦,ā I paused, my stomach tightening, āI need to tell you something firstā¦ā
Iāll never forget the look on his face. No one likes to hear those words. āOk,ā he simply said, leaning back into the couch, instinctively taking the therapist's position, and giving me his full attention, which made what I was about to do all the more unnerving. I had to stand up.
In the clearest and most sensitive way possible I shared everything with him. My feelings and what almost happened between me and Aizen; being completely honest about it all.
And I stressed that there was nothing he - Kai - did to make my feelings sway. I truly wanted him to know that. Because heād been nothing but wonderful. I started to cry.
When I finished, Kai slowly released a sorrowful breath as he stood from the couch and approached me, struggling to meet my gaze. I felt so bad.
āIām so sorry Kai,ā I expressed with tears escaping my eyes. āI didnāt mean for this to happenā¦ā
He nodded. āI knowā¦and itās ok,ā he paused, blinking at me a couple of times, āI understand.ā
He scratched at a spot behind his ear before continuing. āI've had this lingering feeling that this might happenā¦it wasnāt hard to see how close you and Amaya have become. Itās warmed my heart to see, so I can only imagine how much itās warmed Aizenāsā¦and how much that would produce affections in his heart for you.ā āKai,ā I breathed, āreallyā¦you donāt have to be so graceful about thisā¦ā
I nodded with a tearful sniff. āBut,ā he raised his head, āI know the hell my brotherās been through and because of thatā¦he deserves a good woman like you. Someone who truly loves his daughter and makes him happy. Itās great to know that heās opened up his heart again. I havenāt seen him this happy since his wife left.ā
Wait...what? I thought.
Did I hear that right? Suddenly everything in the room felt like it was closing in on me and my heart plummeted down to my stomach. āHis wife left him?ā I asked with a furrowed brow.
My heart started pounding. āNo. Amaya told me her mother diedā¦ā
Closing his lips tightly together for a second, Kai looked away and opened them up just enough to mumble, āSo thatās what heās decided to tell herā¦ā
I thought my heart was going to go into cardiac arrest. That didnāt sound good at ALL! āWhat do you mean by that? What happened!?ā
Kai immediately shook his head. āThatās something you best ask Aizen about. Itās not my place.ā
Oh my goshā¦, I thought as my breaths started to increase, my eyes darting every which way around the room in impending panic; my emotions scrambling about. Suddenly my initial impression of Aizen and all my fears about him came flooding back, consuming my mind. Making me deny everything I was feeling for him.
āI have to go,ā I swiftly declared and headed for the door. But Kai stopped me by taking my arm. āApproach it carefully,ā he cautioned me. āIn fact I would wait until youāve had a chance to relax and think things through beforeāā āThereās no time for that,ā I countered, jerking my arm out of his grasp. āIām going to find Aizen.ā
Kai followed me the whole 200 feet from my parents door to his parents door, quickly giving me some sage advice on how to approach Aizen from all his counseling experience.
I think I picked up only about 10% of it. I was too emotionally charged. I couldnāt believe itā¦my heart just couldnāt believe itā¦yet I had to know the truth. But at the same time I was terrified to learn it.
Regardless of my emotions I still had a level head on my shoulders when we entered the Yamamoto home. Kai tenderly patted my back in support of my decision before retreating upstairs. Little did I know that once he got up there he was texting Aizen to inform him about our breakup. Guess he figured it would be helpful.
āIs that you Uncle Kai?ā I heard Amaya ask from the living room, her little footsteps coming towards me. āDid you bring - MALAI!ā she joyfully cried, running to me and throwing her arms around my waist.
Oh Amaya, I thought as I held her tightly, my heart clenching. Dear sweet and innocent Amaya. I hated to think about how whatever might happen between me and Aizen would affect her. It made my soul ache all the more. I had to fight back the tears as we broke our embrace. āHow come you always make me feel so special?ā I asked her. āBecause you are,ā she simply answered. āAnd weāre buddies, remember?ā
I smiled, my heart clenching again. āYeah. We are.ā I stroked her hair and added, āAnd always will be.ā āEven after you leave?ā she asked with sadness in her eyes. I nodded. āYeah. I promise.ā And there was nothing in the world that would ever make me break that promise, not even her father. āWhereās your dad?ā āHe went to the park across the street, said he needed some fresh air. Which I dunno why because itās freezing outside!ā The way she said it was so cute. āI think Iāll go join him.ā āIāll go with you!ā āNo!ā I stopped her, then quickly changed my tone. āI meanā¦I need to talk to him in private, sweetie. Okay?ā āOkā¦ā
āāā
It wasnāt hard to find Aizen at the park, it was pretty open. He was looking out over the frozen pond, near one of the benches. I figured he was taking in one last breath of fresh air before leaving. The short distance I walked to reach him felt like a mile long. I was still feeling so nervous about approaching him, but I had to know. I had to know everything.
Hearing my footsteps, he turned abruptly in alarm, but his eyes lit up with a smile seeing that it was me. āHey,ā he greeted me with such fondness.
The dimple I never saw on his cheek before was flashing brightly and oh gosh how sexy it made him look, but I pushed the thought aside. āHey,ā I greeted back, trying to smile, as we slowly approached each other.
We exchanged glances in silence for a few seconds, wondering who would speak first. Aizen did. āI was beginning to wonder if I would ever see you again.ā A lump already started to form in my throat. āOh? Why is that?ā He inched closer. āWellā¦I feared I mightāve scared you off after what I said at the Festival and,ā he paused to pull his cell phone out of his jacket pocket and held it up, āI just got off the phone with Kai.ā Oh no⦠āHe told me you two decided to part ways. Iām sorry to hear that,ā he sincerely expressed.
Whew⦠I thought, closing my eyes in relief. When I opened them, I found Aizen giving me an inquiring look. My breath halted.
āIām also curious as to why,ā he continued. āYou two seemed pretty serious.ā
Ugh, I couldnāt have this moment get any more complicated. I lightly shrugged. āWe just werenāt sure if dating long distance was going to work,ā I lied. āWeāre both pretty set in stone with our jobs where we live andā¦we can both get pretty busy.ā
I shrugged again, my heart speeding up. I didnāt know what else to say.
However, he inched closer to me and said, "Or is it because...you have the same feelings for me?"
I closed my eyes again. Yeah. Maybeā¦, I thought; almost said. Next thing I knew he was stroking my hair. So gently; the tips of his fingers grazing my cheek.
Oh how I couldāve melted right into his arms, or a kiss, but I couldnāt hold myself back any longer.
āAizen, why havenāt you told me about your wife? And what happened between you two?ā
Instantly, Aizenās expression hardened. Clearly recognizing that someone - most likely Kai - revealed to me his biggest secret and I could see the fire starting in his eyes. āI didnāt feel it necessary,ā he tried to brush off, stepping back from me a bit. āIt was a long time ago.ā
āWhat do you think happened?ā he sharply asked. Uh? Why the hey was he asking me that? With my hands spread apart, I replied, āI dunno Aizen, thatās why Iām asking you.ā āYou think it was all my fault donāt you?ā He folded his arms, back on the defensive. āWhat!?ā āYou have that look on your face like youāre convinced that whatever happened was all MY fault!ā Okā¦maybe I was assuming that. āAssumingā¦,ā he continued, as if hearing my thoughts, ājust like any typical feminist wouldā¦ā
āI am NOT a feminist! I am a strong, independent woman in my life right now, yes, who worked her tail off to get where sheās at in her career, but that doesnāt make me a feminist! I recognize the need for a man in my life; I WANT a man in my life!ā I emphasized by holding a hand to my heart. āHave you not been able to see that this past week? Now whoās making assumptions?ā
Aizen looked away guiltily. And as he should! That was a real jerky thing for him to say, to put it mildly. And it hurt.
But even so, my heart still yearned for him, desperately longing to know the truth. āI just want to know what happened...,ā I tenderly repeated. āBecause Iām hearing two different stories from Amaya and Kai.ā
Aizen heaved a sigh while pinching the bridge of his nose, realizing that I knew more than he ever realized and it produced another guilty blow. There was no turning back now. No more hiding. āHave you ever thought that itās something Iād sooner forget? Spare my daughter the pain from the ugly truth?ā
No, maybe I hadn't. Until now. āAizen,ā I lovingly addressed this time, stepping closer to him while swallowing, āwhatever happenedā¦you can tell me.ā I hoped he trusted me.
Dropping his hand down to his waist, he rested the other on his hip and shook his head. āWell contrary to popular beliefā¦,ā he paused with a huff. āAizenā¦ā ā...The woman was at fault in this case.ā Then his tone softened a little. āThough Iām not so proud as to not admit that it was the direct result of one of my faultsā¦ā
My brow narrowed as I arched my head, encouraging him to go on.
It took him a moment, but eventually he spoke.
āIāve made a lot of mistakes in my life Malai, most of them when I was in college,ā he began. āI partied, I drank, I did drugs, I got tattoos,ā he stopped to point at his arm, āand I slept around. Basically everything I was ever told not to do, I did - once I was on my own. And itās painfully true what they always told me, ābad choices lead to bad consequences.ā I just didnāt want to believe it. Or thought I was smart enough to prevent it. Because I was an adult, and I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do.ā
With a nod I held his gaze, already knowing where this was going. Or so I thought.
āIn the dorm where I was living there was this girlā¦Keisha.ā He stopped, a name that was obviously painful for him to utter. I instantly remembered it being the name Amaya told me was her motherās name. āShe came from a pretty awful and impoverished background and wasnāt a college student. She just hung out with the college kids. When a few folks in the dorm found out she was living on the streets, they invited her to live in the dorm with them. Thankfully the college never found outā¦But anyway, she was hot and cool. One of the girls all the guys wanted. We found ourselves in the same social circles and often going to the same parties. We macked on each other a few times for fun, nothing serious. And then one night at a rave party we got crazy drunk and high andā¦need I say more?ā I shook my head. āAfter that,ā he shrugged, āI saw her maybe three or four times while hanging out with friends and then she justā¦disappeared.ā My brow narrowed. āIt had us all worried because we werenāt sure if the college found out about her living in the dorms and called the cops, or if she decided to live in a homeless shelter, or if she was deadā¦none of us knew. She didnāt have a cell phone.ā I inhaled a breath and folded my arms as I continued to listen, my body remembering the cold outside, but my mind had long forgotten it. āAnyway, we all just moved on with life. Summer passed and the next year rolled around. I decided I was going to try and get my life in order so I could better pursue a degree. I even started dating a really nice girl, unlike any of the girls I had previously dated.ā Well thatās good, I thought.
āThen one day, out of the blue while I was driving to work, I got a phone call and it was Keisha. I have no idea how she got my number, but that aside she was crying and pleading for me to come to the hospital because,ā he drew in a breath, āshe was in labor, and scared, and didnāt have anyone there with her so she called me.ā My eyes widened. āI didnāt want to be rude, but I was like, āWhy me?ā I hadnāt seen her in months. And then she told me something that would forever change my life: āThe baby is yoursā¦,ā" he paused. "And she continued to cry and beg me to come over and be with her.ā My chest tightened.
āI-I didnāt know what to doā¦,ā he stumbled, hands spread apart and his eyes darting around in the same panic he experienced in that moment all those years ago. āAll I knew wasā¦there was a girl in the hospital who was having my baby andā¦I needed to be there. I didnāt have time to think about anything else. So I turned the car around and headed straight for the hospital, missing work obviously. They actually fired me for it later, but that doesnāt matter,ā he dismissed with his hand. I held my hand up to my lips and gripped them. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. āI made it to the hospital seconds before Amaya was born. Keisha lost a lot of blood and it got pretty serious there for a bit. When she regained consciousness we reconnected a little, came up with a name for our baby, and tried to figure out what we were gonna do next. She was still homeless and I was still in college. Everything happened so quicklyā¦,ā he trailed off, staring at a tree behind me in a trance-like state. āI asked that a DNA test be done to confirm that Amaya was my child and of course, yes, she is.ā I nodded.
āSo at that point my parents greatly encouraged me to do the right thing and marry Keishaā¦that would get her off the streets and we could be a proper family. I mean, it really was the right thing to do. I kept telling myself itās what a good man would do in that situation. And I wanted to be a good man.ā It warmed my heart to hear him say it. āEven though Keisha and I didnāt love each other, let alone know each other, we did it for Amayaās sake. She was an innocent little victim in all this.ā I nodded again. āAnd so thatās what we did. We had a lame marriage ceremony at city hall and tried to make a life for ourselves. I dropped out of college and got a job - thatās how I got started in construction - since Keisha didnāt have any job experience andā¦refused to work anyway,ā he muttered with an eye-roll. āShe ended up being a lot more selfish and stubborn than I remembered andā¦we fought all the time. I was barely holding it all together. But,ā he swallowed, āI really tried to make it workā¦because I needed to accept the consequences of my actions.ā My face fell again. He drew in a breath before continuing. āWe were married a little over 3 months, until one morning I woke up to Amaya crying and Keisha wasnāt in bed next to me.ā I noticed his emotions begin to heighten. āIn fact she wasnāt anywhere in the houseā¦or outside of it. Our car was goneā¦and so was our emergency money.ā
āI called her cell phone, she didnāt answer. I called again and again and again and there was never an answer. I even called some of our friends to see if she was with any of them. Nope. It didnāt take long for me to realize that she had enough of me, and being a mom, soā¦she leftā¦just like she did before. Disappearing without a trace. And Iām not kidding,ā he stressed, āshe left no trace. The cops were never able to find her. No one ever found herā¦ā Ohā¦myā¦goshā¦,ā I thought, flabbergasted. I guess in a way she is dead. āI was furious!ā he hissed, stepping closer to me with his nostrils flaring and tears forming in his eyes. āAnd heartbroken! Not just because she selfishly abandoned me and Amaya, but because she took away my LIFE! I sacrificed EVERYTHING for her and thatās how she decided to show her appreciation!?ā
I lowered my eyes from his fiery gaze, my heart breaking just hearing about it. He certainly had every right to be angry.
āSo there I had this newborn baby that I had to raise ALL by myself, when Iād barely been around to learn how to take care of her anyway andā¦I lost it,ā he choked, his tone lowering. āI was alone and frightened andā¦I couldnāt move. I could hardly think. All I could do was cry. I felt so betrayed; thrown out like garbage. All for doing the right thing. My life ended that day.ā
āMy parents had to come and get us and take us home to live with them. And they took care of Amaya becauseā¦my brain had literally shut down, becoming catatonic. So I was committed to a psychiatric hospital for a couple of weeks. The psych Doc there put me on some medication and deemed me fit to return home. I still wasnāt able to go back to work until 7 months later and even then I still struggled to stay on my feet every day. Some days I still do. And Iāve tried to get my life back, tried to find another woman to share my life with and to be a mother to Amaya. But every time they learned about her and all the 'baggage' that comes with that, they ran. Just like Keisha didā¦ā
More tears fell from my eyes.
āShe not only took away my life, she scarred me for life. And all the women after her have left scars too. And it hasnāt been very easy to heal from. So forgive me Malai for struggling to fully trust womenā¦,ā he concluded.
Sniffing, and not bothering to wipe the tears away, I tried to figure out how to properly respond to all of that. I really had no wordsā¦
āIām sorry all that happened to you Aizen," I finally spoke. "What Keisha did to you, and Amaya, was horrible and inexcusable and I am truly, truly sorry.ā
I hoped he could feel the genuineness in my condolence because I couldnāt read much in his facial expression through the tears in my eyes and the falling snow. He only nodded.
āBut Iām not that kind of woman.ā āI know youāre not,ā he somewhat interrupted, his gaze shifting. āThen why do I still feel some reservation from you?ā He struggled to answer, clearly not wishing to hurt me, but not wanting to be dishonest either. But I already knew. āBecause you donāt fully trust me either."
The way I said it made his face fall all the more. āI - I want toā¦,ā he choked in his answer. āIām trying to,ā he added with tears glistening in his eyes.
Curling my upper lip between my teeth I emotionally nodded in acceptance, so horribly conflicted as to how to feel about that response, even though he bore his entire awful story to me. I knew it all now; everything. Why he is the way he is. So I shouldāve been more understanding, but all I could feel in that moment was a dagger being thrust into my heart. All my hopes shattered.
āWell you can trust me,ā I declared, with all the feeling left in my heart. āand if you canāt ever believe thatā¦then this,ā I gestured back and forth between us, āis never going to work.ā Then my lip quivered and shoulders shook as I sobbed all the more while adding, āNo matter how much I love Amayaā¦ā
Through blurred vision, I watched as Aizenās eyes widened in surprise, piercing me with his gaze as if he had no idea. Maybe he really didnāt. āMalaiā¦,ā he whispered, stepping closer to me.
But I pulled away. I couldnāt look at him anymore. It had been such a depressing day and I couldnāt take any more. My world had caved in on me and I was finding it difficult to breathe; and think. āThis was a mistake,ā I sobbed. āAll of this was a mistake.ā Every decision I made that Christmas felt in vain and I wanted it to be over. āIām going home to New York in the morningā¦ā
Aizenās shoulders fell abruptly at my numbing declaration, his eyes imploring me not to go, but I couldnāt recognize it in the emotional state I was in.
A/N: I know it's not a Christmas song, but I could totally picture this song beginning to play as Malai tearfully walks away from Aizen. (If this were a movie. :lol: )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfgJQUiQFes
Speaking of songs...listening to this one in particular helped me put a lot more feeling into writing out Aizen's sad story. It's another goodie that's not a Christmas song. :p