4th of July 2016: Premium Walkthrough
EVENT GUIDES
click to enlarge pictures
Gil Offer
Gil: I do love celebrating America with a 4th of July camping trip to one of our national parks.
Teddy Roosevelt: That's why I created the park system, bro! You're welcome, America!
Gil: Wow. Teddy Roosevelt. 26th President of the United States and a famed naturalist.
Teddy Roosevelt: Yup, I love nature all right. Now let's go shoot the biggest animal we can find and eat it raw. Nothing puts hair on your chest like moose carpaccio.
Offer accepted:
Gil: You'll take it? Great!
Gil: With this sale, I'm moving up the property ladder! Goodbye cave and hello hovel!
Offer declined:
Gil: Well at least I still have my cave to sleep in.
Teddy Roosevelt: Quit complaining, bro! A cave is luxury accommodations!
Teddy Roosevelt: I once survived a whole winter with no more shelter than a single pine needle!
Teddy Roosevelt: I stayed warm with vigorous calisthenics. If I'd stopped for a minute, I'd've froze to death.
Teddy Roosevelt: I was President at the time. People don't like to imagine their leader doing jumping jacks for three long, desperate months in twelve feet of snow, but this happened. Swear to God.
My Fair Quimby Pt. 1
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: "Our country -- this great Republic -- means nothing unless it means the triumph of--"
Teddy Roosevelt: WHAT THE-- WHERE AM I? WHERE DID THE WHITE HOUSE GO, AND WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WEARING PINCE NEZ EYEGLASSES?
Lisa: President Teddy Roosevelt! I was just wondering which ex-President would appear in Springfield this July fourth.
Teddy Roosevelt: You mean I'm not the first?
Abraham Lincoln: Not even close. Sorry. Nice glasses, by the way. *snickers*
George Washington: Yeah. Super cool. You look awesome. *snickers*
Teddy Roosevelt: THESE GLASSES WERE THE HEIGHT OF FASHION IN MY DAY!
Lisa: I should explain how you got here. You see, every July fourth a rift in the space-time continuum opens and... What are you doing?
Teddy Roosevelt: Knee bends. Vigorous squatting is the key to a powerful, manly physique.
Lisa: Okay, great... Anyway, as a champion of the national park system, what do you think of our new park?
Teddy Roosevelt: Beautiful. Now, if you'll hand me that shotgun, I'm going to go hunt every living creature in it to death.
Task: Make Teddy Go Hunting
Time: 24h
Location: Springfield National Park
My Fair Quimby Pt. 2
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Lisa: How was your hunt, Mr. President?
Teddy Roosevelt: Not bad. Shot about a million rabbits. I don't like rabbit meat, so I left them there. Still, fun stuff.
Lisa: Isn't that kind of wasteful? I thought you believed in conservation?
Teddy Roosevelt: Say... how much do you want to bet I can lift that big rock over my head?
Lisa: Mr. President? I asked you a question?
Teddy Roosevelt: One... two... three...
Lisa: And... he's doing knee bends again.
Homer: Man, this guy's got a shorter attention span than Bart.
Lisa: Well, he was INCREDIBLY accomplished. An author, historian, statesman, explorer, businessman, naturalist... I guess you'd have to be a little hyper to do all that.
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm the best arm-wrestler I know. Some men's arms look bigger than mine, but I have excellent technique.
Teddy Roosevelt: I went to a zoo, and you know tigers? I watched the tigers and I figured out why they're so strong and I copied it and now no one can beat me.
Lisa: ...
Homer: ...
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm thirsty. Point me to the nearest tavern.
Task: Reach Level 15 and Build Moe's Tavern
Task: Make Teddy Take Refreshments
Time: 4h
Location: Moe's Tavern
Teddy Roosevelt: I do so enjoy sharing a pint of ale with the common man.
Lenny: Could you please stop calling us “the common man?”
Carl: And could you also maybe stop doing jumping jacks? It's weird.
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm bored. I need a project. Are there any hills in town crawling with Spanish soldiers? I could storm one of those.
Homer: We stormed our last Spaniard hill a few months ago. Sorry.
Teddy Roosevelt: Any giant corporations in town I could bust up?
Lenny: Not really. Just Mr. Burns.
Teddy Roosevelt: Tell me about this “Mr. Burns”...
My Fair Quimby Pt. 3
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: So you're basically telling me that Mr. Burns and his corporation run this town?
Teddy Roosevelt: This is exactly why we must never allow corporations to grow too powerful.
Carl: I thought you said you were a Republican?
Teddy Roosevelt: What's strange about a Republican being anti-big-business?
Lenny: EVERYTHING! If President Ronald Reagan could hear you, he'd never stop being sick.
Teddy Roosevelt: Ronald Reagan the future actor becomes future President? Now I've heard everything!
Teddy Roosevelt: Gentlemen, I busted up Standard Oil, and now I'm gonna bust up Standard Burns! Take me to your mayor!
Task: Reach Level 20 and Build the Town Hall
Task: Make Teddy Meet With Quimby
Time: 2h
Location: Town Hall
Requires: Quimby
My Fair Quimby Pt. 4
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: Mayor Quimby, all that is required to stem the tide of corporate greed is for men of courage to stand shoulder-to-shoulder.
Quimby: Hold on, this is good stuff. I want to write this down.
Quimby: “Men... of... courage.” And where do we find such men?
Teddy Roosevelt: Why, you and I will be the men of courage. And together---
Quimby: Now see here! I am an inveterate coward, and proud of it!
Teddy Roosevelt: Not anymore, you're not! We're gonna go right at Mr. Burns, just like I stormed San Juan Hill! Charge!
Task: Make Teddy Lead the Charge
Time: 8h
Teddy Roosevelt: When someone screams “charge!” that's your cue to ante up and run laughing into the face of death.
Quimby: Yeah, see, huge coward. I thought I explained that to you.
Quimby: Anyway, I heard the real heroes of your little charge up San Juan Hill were the Buffalo Soldier regiments.
Quimby: But since you were a more convenient hero for the media than a group of black soldiers...
Teddy Roosevelt: One... two... three...
Quimby: As soon as things get uncomfortable, he goes back to the knee bends.
My Fair Quimby Pt. 5
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: I'll make a man of you yet, Joe Quimby.
Quimby: Mr. Burns is too powerful. He's got the nuclear plant, a basketball team, vast real estate holdings, and the best cupcake shop in town.
Homer: Really? He owns Lovin' Cups?
Quimby: No, no. Mr. Burns' cupcake shop is Sweet Emotions. It's way better than Lovin' Cups.
Homer: I oughta kill you for saying that!
Teddy Roosevelt: Grown men do not debate the merits of dessert treats! Quimby, grab your rucksack. We're gonna toughen you up with a camping trip!
Task: Make Teddy Go Camping With Quimby
Time: 24h
Location: Springfield National Park
Requires: Quimby
Teddy Roosevelt: Quimby! You couldn't even last one night in the woods? I woke up an hour before sunrise and I was all alone!
Quimby: You were not! I left behind a fact-finding committee to investigate the feasibility of future mayoral camping.
Quimby: I eagerly look forward to their report. It should be finished in the next six months.
My Fair Quimby Pt. 6
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: Quimby, you may not be an outdoorsman, but there's other ways to be tough.
Teddy Roosevelt: Did you know I once gave a campaign speech moments after being shot in the chest?
Quimby: Good Lord. Why?
Teddy Roosevelt: Probably because I have poor self-esteem that I mask with extreme risk-taking behavior. Who knows? Here, I'll do it again.
Quimby: No! Please don't! This won't teach me anything!
Teddy Roosevelt: Me first, then you!
Task: Make Teddy Give a Speech
Time: 1h
Location: Town Hall
My Fair Quimby Pt. 7
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: Hoo boy. I'm not going to lie -- that hurt. Wow. Okay Joe. Your turn to get shot.
Teddy Roosevelt: Joe?
Teddy Roosevelt: Joe?
Task: Make Quimby Hide From Teddy
Time: 8h
Location: Town Hall
Teddy Roosevelt: There you are, Quimby! Have you no shame?
Quimby: Of course not! And whatever you say, it's never stopped me from winning elections before.
Teddy Roosevelt: Well, I acted with courage, and won my presidential election all the same!
Quimby: ONE election! You won ONE election?
Teddy Roosevelt: See, I was initially the Vice President, but then McKinley was assassinated.
Teddy Roosevelt: Then I ran for re-election the one time, then I wearied of politics and retired. Why?
Quimby: One election! I'm taking advice from a political noob!
Teddy Roosevelt: What does this term mean, “noob?”
Quimby: It means come back when you've been elected a half-dozen more times and MAYBE I'll listen. Noob.
Teddy Roosevelt: I don't appreciate your tone sir. Put up yer dukes and fight like a man.
Quimby: Hey look, a defenseless squirrel!
Teddy Roosevelt: Where? Out of my way! Get my gun and give me a clear shot!
Quimby: *chuckles* Noob.
Springfield Tea Party
Teddy Roosevelt starts
George Washington: Well, now that Roosevelt's here, I guess we know who the “Big Four” Presidents in U.S. history are.
Abraham Lincoln: That's true. No reason to bring back any but the cream of the crop.
Teddy Roosevelt: Here's to the best of the best: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and Richard Nixon.
Richard Nixon: Uh, yeah. Nice to be here.
George Washington: I wonder which one of us is the greatest, though?
Abraham Lincoln: I know. Like, we're ALL great. Definitely. But if you HAD to choose one, is it me? Is it you?
Richard Nixon: Geez, that's a tough one. Four really strong contenders.
Abraham Lincoln: Let's all go around and name the accomplishment we are most proud of.
Richard Nixon: Oh, let's not...
Abraham Lincoln: It'll be fun. I'll start. Freeing the slaves!
George Washington: Winning the War of Independence!
Teddy Roosevelt: Reining in out-of-control corporations!
Richard Nixon: Resigning before formal impeachment proceedings could begin!
George Washington: ...
Richard Nixon: Er, uh, opening relations with China!
Richard Nixon: Too late, right? Yeah. Yeah, D_ick Nixon thought so.
Task: Make Presidents Argue About Legacy
Time: 12h
Location: Town Hall or Brown House
Characters: Teddy Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Richard Nixon
click to enlarge pictures
Gil Offer
Gil: I do love celebrating America with a 4th of July camping trip to one of our national parks.
Teddy Roosevelt: That's why I created the park system, bro! You're welcome, America!
Gil: Wow. Teddy Roosevelt. 26th President of the United States and a famed naturalist.
Teddy Roosevelt: Yup, I love nature all right. Now let's go shoot the biggest animal we can find and eat it raw. Nothing puts hair on your chest like moose carpaccio.
Offer accepted:
Gil: You'll take it? Great!
Gil: With this sale, I'm moving up the property ladder! Goodbye cave and hello hovel!
Offer declined:
Gil: Well at least I still have my cave to sleep in.
Teddy Roosevelt: Quit complaining, bro! A cave is luxury accommodations!
Teddy Roosevelt: I once survived a whole winter with no more shelter than a single pine needle!
Teddy Roosevelt: I stayed warm with vigorous calisthenics. If I'd stopped for a minute, I'd've froze to death.
Teddy Roosevelt: I was President at the time. People don't like to imagine their leader doing jumping jacks for three long, desperate months in twelve feet of snow, but this happened. Swear to God.
My Fair Quimby Pt. 1
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: "Our country -- this great Republic -- means nothing unless it means the triumph of--"
Teddy Roosevelt: WHAT THE-- WHERE AM I? WHERE DID THE WHITE HOUSE GO, AND WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WEARING PINCE NEZ EYEGLASSES?
Lisa: President Teddy Roosevelt! I was just wondering which ex-President would appear in Springfield this July fourth.
Teddy Roosevelt: You mean I'm not the first?
Abraham Lincoln: Not even close. Sorry. Nice glasses, by the way. *snickers*
George Washington: Yeah. Super cool. You look awesome. *snickers*
Teddy Roosevelt: THESE GLASSES WERE THE HEIGHT OF FASHION IN MY DAY!
Lisa: I should explain how you got here. You see, every July fourth a rift in the space-time continuum opens and... What are you doing?
Teddy Roosevelt: Knee bends. Vigorous squatting is the key to a powerful, manly physique.
Lisa: Okay, great... Anyway, as a champion of the national park system, what do you think of our new park?
Teddy Roosevelt: Beautiful. Now, if you'll hand me that shotgun, I'm going to go hunt every living creature in it to death.
Task: Make Teddy Go Hunting
Time: 24h
Location: Springfield National Park
My Fair Quimby Pt. 2
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Lisa: How was your hunt, Mr. President?
Teddy Roosevelt: Not bad. Shot about a million rabbits. I don't like rabbit meat, so I left them there. Still, fun stuff.
Lisa: Isn't that kind of wasteful? I thought you believed in conservation?
Teddy Roosevelt: Say... how much do you want to bet I can lift that big rock over my head?
Lisa: Mr. President? I asked you a question?
Teddy Roosevelt: One... two... three...
Lisa: And... he's doing knee bends again.
Homer: Man, this guy's got a shorter attention span than Bart.
Lisa: Well, he was INCREDIBLY accomplished. An author, historian, statesman, explorer, businessman, naturalist... I guess you'd have to be a little hyper to do all that.
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm the best arm-wrestler I know. Some men's arms look bigger than mine, but I have excellent technique.
Teddy Roosevelt: I went to a zoo, and you know tigers? I watched the tigers and I figured out why they're so strong and I copied it and now no one can beat me.
Lisa: ...
Homer: ...
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm thirsty. Point me to the nearest tavern.
Task: Reach Level 15 and Build Moe's Tavern
Task: Make Teddy Take Refreshments
Time: 4h
Location: Moe's Tavern
Teddy Roosevelt: I do so enjoy sharing a pint of ale with the common man.
Lenny: Could you please stop calling us “the common man?”
Carl: And could you also maybe stop doing jumping jacks? It's weird.
Teddy Roosevelt: I'm bored. I need a project. Are there any hills in town crawling with Spanish soldiers? I could storm one of those.
Homer: We stormed our last Spaniard hill a few months ago. Sorry.
Teddy Roosevelt: Any giant corporations in town I could bust up?
Lenny: Not really. Just Mr. Burns.
Teddy Roosevelt: Tell me about this “Mr. Burns”...
My Fair Quimby Pt. 3
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: So you're basically telling me that Mr. Burns and his corporation run this town?
Teddy Roosevelt: This is exactly why we must never allow corporations to grow too powerful.
Carl: I thought you said you were a Republican?
Teddy Roosevelt: What's strange about a Republican being anti-big-business?
Lenny: EVERYTHING! If President Ronald Reagan could hear you, he'd never stop being sick.
Teddy Roosevelt: Ronald Reagan the future actor becomes future President? Now I've heard everything!
Teddy Roosevelt: Gentlemen, I busted up Standard Oil, and now I'm gonna bust up Standard Burns! Take me to your mayor!
Task: Reach Level 20 and Build the Town Hall
Task: Make Teddy Meet With Quimby
Time: 2h
Location: Town Hall
Requires: Quimby
My Fair Quimby Pt. 4
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: Mayor Quimby, all that is required to stem the tide of corporate greed is for men of courage to stand shoulder-to-shoulder.
Quimby: Hold on, this is good stuff. I want to write this down.
Quimby: “Men... of... courage.” And where do we find such men?
Teddy Roosevelt: Why, you and I will be the men of courage. And together---
Quimby: Now see here! I am an inveterate coward, and proud of it!
Teddy Roosevelt: Not anymore, you're not! We're gonna go right at Mr. Burns, just like I stormed San Juan Hill! Charge!
Task: Make Teddy Lead the Charge
Time: 8h
Teddy Roosevelt: When someone screams “charge!” that's your cue to ante up and run laughing into the face of death.
Quimby: Yeah, see, huge coward. I thought I explained that to you.
Quimby: Anyway, I heard the real heroes of your little charge up San Juan Hill were the Buffalo Soldier regiments.
Quimby: But since you were a more convenient hero for the media than a group of black soldiers...
Teddy Roosevelt: One... two... three...
Quimby: As soon as things get uncomfortable, he goes back to the knee bends.
My Fair Quimby Pt. 5
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: I'll make a man of you yet, Joe Quimby.
Quimby: Mr. Burns is too powerful. He's got the nuclear plant, a basketball team, vast real estate holdings, and the best cupcake shop in town.
Homer: Really? He owns Lovin' Cups?
Quimby: No, no. Mr. Burns' cupcake shop is Sweet Emotions. It's way better than Lovin' Cups.
Homer: I oughta kill you for saying that!
Teddy Roosevelt: Grown men do not debate the merits of dessert treats! Quimby, grab your rucksack. We're gonna toughen you up with a camping trip!
Task: Make Teddy Go Camping With Quimby
Time: 24h
Location: Springfield National Park
Requires: Quimby
Teddy Roosevelt: Quimby! You couldn't even last one night in the woods? I woke up an hour before sunrise and I was all alone!
Quimby: You were not! I left behind a fact-finding committee to investigate the feasibility of future mayoral camping.
Quimby: I eagerly look forward to their report. It should be finished in the next six months.
My Fair Quimby Pt. 6
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: Quimby, you may not be an outdoorsman, but there's other ways to be tough.
Teddy Roosevelt: Did you know I once gave a campaign speech moments after being shot in the chest?
Quimby: Good Lord. Why?
Teddy Roosevelt: Probably because I have poor self-esteem that I mask with extreme risk-taking behavior. Who knows? Here, I'll do it again.
Quimby: No! Please don't! This won't teach me anything!
Teddy Roosevelt: Me first, then you!
Task: Make Teddy Give a Speech
Time: 1h
Location: Town Hall
My Fair Quimby Pt. 7
Teddy Roosevelt starts
Teddy Roosevelt: Hoo boy. I'm not going to lie -- that hurt. Wow. Okay Joe. Your turn to get shot.
Teddy Roosevelt: Joe?
Teddy Roosevelt: Joe?
Task: Make Quimby Hide From Teddy
Time: 8h
Location: Town Hall
Teddy Roosevelt: There you are, Quimby! Have you no shame?
Quimby: Of course not! And whatever you say, it's never stopped me from winning elections before.
Teddy Roosevelt: Well, I acted with courage, and won my presidential election all the same!
Quimby: ONE election! You won ONE election?
Teddy Roosevelt: See, I was initially the Vice President, but then McKinley was assassinated.
Teddy Roosevelt: Then I ran for re-election the one time, then I wearied of politics and retired. Why?
Quimby: One election! I'm taking advice from a political noob!
Teddy Roosevelt: What does this term mean, “noob?”
Quimby: It means come back when you've been elected a half-dozen more times and MAYBE I'll listen. Noob.
Teddy Roosevelt: I don't appreciate your tone sir. Put up yer dukes and fight like a man.
Quimby: Hey look, a defenseless squirrel!
Teddy Roosevelt: Where? Out of my way! Get my gun and give me a clear shot!
Quimby: *chuckles* Noob.
Springfield Tea Party
Teddy Roosevelt starts
George Washington: Well, now that Roosevelt's here, I guess we know who the “Big Four” Presidents in U.S. history are.
Abraham Lincoln: That's true. No reason to bring back any but the cream of the crop.
Teddy Roosevelt: Here's to the best of the best: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and Richard Nixon.
Richard Nixon: Uh, yeah. Nice to be here.
George Washington: I wonder which one of us is the greatest, though?
Abraham Lincoln: I know. Like, we're ALL great. Definitely. But if you HAD to choose one, is it me? Is it you?
Richard Nixon: Geez, that's a tough one. Four really strong contenders.
Abraham Lincoln: Let's all go around and name the accomplishment we are most proud of.
Richard Nixon: Oh, let's not...
Abraham Lincoln: It'll be fun. I'll start. Freeing the slaves!
George Washington: Winning the War of Independence!
Teddy Roosevelt: Reining in out-of-control corporations!
Richard Nixon: Resigning before formal impeachment proceedings could begin!
George Washington: ...
Richard Nixon: Er, uh, opening relations with China!
Richard Nixon: Too late, right? Yeah. Yeah, D_ick Nixon thought so.
Task: Make Presidents Argue About Legacy
Time: 12h
Location: Town Hall or Brown House
Characters: Teddy Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Richard Nixon
