Simpsons Wrestling: Premium Walkthrough
Hard Science Pt. 1
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: What’s this? My application to lecture at my alma mater, University of Heidelberg, has been rejected!
Professor Werner von Brawn: While U.H. boasts the finest Physics AND Professional Wrestling departments on the continent, I suppose, I have neglected one for the other.
Professor Werner von Brawn: Perhaps boning up on my physics credentials will help them reconsider…
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Get Frustrated by Difficult Physics Problem
Time: 4h
Location: University of Heidelberg or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 2
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: This is ludicrous! How can physics be harder than wrestling?!
Professor Frink: Don’t be so hoyvin-glavin on yourself. You’ve been more focused on the biting and the Body Pressing and the Whatsit-Wheelbarrow Drivers...
Professor Frink: Maybe try attacking the rasslin’ and sciencing together and see where that takes you!
Professor Werner von Brawn: Yes…yes, that might work!
Professor Frink: Um, why are you staring at me like that?
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Bodyslam Frink to Measure Higgs Boson
Time: 8h
Location: University of Heidelberg or Brown House
Professor Werner von Brawn: Hmmm… those results were entirely expected, and therefore entirely dull.
Professor Werner von Brawn: But my intellectual passions are once again ignited! Now to find the right problem to solve.
Professor Frink: Try solving my fractured fibulas hoy-flavin!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 3
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: Ah, when inspiration strikes, it strikes like an Atomic Elbow Drop! Let’s try it!
Professor Frink: But I’m still healing from your last inspiration.
Professor Werner von Brawn: But this one is a quantum-based model of curved spacetime!
Professor Frink: Mhoyvin! It sounds painful.
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Twist Frink to Model Curved Spacetime
Time: 24h
Location: University of Heidelberg or Brown House
Professor Werner von Brawn: Bah! This isn’t how spacetime curves.
Professor Frink: This isn’t how my back curves either!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 4
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: A breakthrough! This one is a guaranteed Nobel Prize winner!
Professor Frink: Not again!
Professor Werner von Brawn: One word: Cavity Optomechanics!
Professor Frink: My cavities are off limits to science and wrestling!
Professor Werner von Brawn: Hey wait -- come back!
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Chase Frink Around the Ring
Time: 2h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Task: Make Frink Run Away From Werner Von Brawn
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Professor Werner von Brawn: Now that’s what I call a spatial superposition!
Professor Frink: *whimper* I hurt all the way down to my nanoparticles!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 5
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: What?! The Nobel Committee rejected my application! And the University of Heidelberg turned me down again!
Professor Frink: On the bright side, you’re nominated for a Slammy Award as top wrestling superstar of the year.
Professor Werner von Brawn: WOO! Victory slam!
Professor Frink: Oy-NOOO!
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Taunt Opponents With His Muscles
Time: 8h
Location: Golden Ring Wrestling Headquarters, Wrestling Pavilion or Brown House
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 1
Rumbleina starts
Rumbleina: Ha! I found you!
Dr. Bonebreak: Oh, great. Here we go again.
Rumbleina: So you decide to become a Buddhist on our honeymoon?! You just took off on your path to enlightenment and left me! I AM your wife!
Dr. Bonebreak: Actually, in wrestling arenas, hitting your spouse with a folding chair as part of the main event is considered a common law divorce.
Rumbleina: *gasp*
Task: Make Rumbleina Read Up on Springfield Marriage Laws
Time: 12h
Location: Town Hall or Brown House
Rumbleina: Alright, Calvin. I’m tapping out.
Dr. Bonebreak: Whoa, Janice. Let’s keep it to stage names.
Rumbleina: My lawyers are telling me we’re divorced.
Dr. Bonebreak: Really?! That whole “hitting your spouse with a chair” thing I made up was true?
Dr. Bonebreak: Wonder if I can get out of a timeshare contract that way too?
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 2
Rumbleina starts
Rumbleina: *crying* Oh, what am I gonna do. I’ve lost him. He’s never coming back.
Kent Brockman: We’re live, on the scene of a bride who has been left at the altar. Why? Because we have no better news to bring you.
Rumbleina: What?… We’re live?
Kent Brockman: Yes, ma’am. With Channel Six’s “Eye on Springfield”.
Rumbleina: ...
Rumbleina: *starts singing to camera* DR. BONEBREAK, WON’T YOU COME BACKKK / JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT CHAIR ATTACKKK *key change*
Kent Brockman: Horrible lyrics.
Task: Make Rumbleina Sing Her Heart Out on Local TV
Time: 4h
Location: Channel 6 or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 3
Rumbleina starts
Luann: Rumbleina, I saw you on TV pouring your heart out with a love ballad.
Rumbleina: I know, it’s a bit desperate. I’m embarrassed.
Luann: Desperate? No, it wasn’t desperate enough. Love songs are a dime a dozen. If you want his attention, get more… what’s the word…? Psychotic.
Task: Make Rumbleina Shave Her Head for Attention
Time: 4h
Rumbleina: Are you sure this will work?
Luann: Do you want this man, or not?
Rumbleina: Yes, but I also want my head not to freeze in the winter.
Luann: Oo, I know. Nothing will get his attention better and says super psychotic more than a crazy wig.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 4
Rumbleina starts
Rumbleina: I haven’t heard a thing. How will I know Dr. Bonebreak’s even seen any of the things I’ve done?
Snake: Crime always gets their attention. Join me.
Task: Make Rumbleina Rob the Kwik-E-Mart With Snake
Time: 8h
Location: Kwik-E-Mart
Task: Make Snake Rob the Kwik-E-Mart With Rumbleina
Time: 8h
Location: Kwik-E-Mart
Snake: *accelerating away from the crime scene* Girl, you’re a natural. How ‘bout spending a life of crime with me?
Rumbleina: Professional wrestling is basically robbery. So, it would be a natural stepping stone for me.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 5
Rumbleina starts
Dr. Bonebreak: Alright, Rumbleina, I’ll re-marry you. Just quit embarrassing yourself.
Rumbleina: Ha! In your dreams. I finally found a real man.
Snake: Yeah, we’re getting married. *threatening* Unless you got a problem with that.
Dr. Bonebreak: Whoa, no need for violence. You can have her. Good luck to both of you.
Snake: That was easier than I expected.
Rumbleina: Too easy. He didn’t even fight for me.
Rumbleina: ...
Rumbleina: Bonebreak, come back! I need you!
Snake: This is awkward.
Snake: Seriously. My feelings are like majorly hurt, okay?
Task: Make Rumbleina Pretend to Ignore Dr. Bonebreak
Time: 12h
Location: Jake's Unisex Hair Palace or Brown House
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Beefy Bishop's Barbershop Gil Promo
Gil starts
Gil: Ol' Gil can't be looking scruffy while he's scroungin' for opportunities. Gotta stop and crop the top at the barber.
Julio: With you in a sec, sweetheart.
Gil: Whoa, sixty bucks?! How much to just do the sides?
Julio: I am an artiste. You want a Joe Schmo cut, you go to a Joe Schmo barbershop.
Julio: Joe Schmo's what I'm shootin' for! Is there anywhere around here like that? Something in the ten dollar range. Five dollars if I offer to sweep up after?
On offer accepted:
Gil: Ol' Gil's gonna be lookin' good for the ladies tonight!
Gil: All I need now is a swanky bachelor pad.
Gil: I'll just hit the appliance store and get me a nice one bedroom thrown-out refrigerator box. Ha-cha-cha.
On offer declined:
Gil: Ah, well. Back to the blood bank. There's gotta be a pint in ol' Gil's carcass somewhere.
Cut the Beef Pt. 1
Grampa starts
Grampa: Why won't you get back in the ring?
The Beefy Bishop: My wrestling days are long over, much like your hairline. Now leave me.
Grampa: But I want to gossip about our peers and see you lose your temper.
The Beefy Bishop: I haven't lost my temper in three hours. That's a new record for me.
Moe: *walking toward the door* I forgot my wallet. I'll need to take this haircut on credit.
The Beefy Bishop: Pay or your hair isn't the only thing getting cut!
Grampa: Three hours and one second. Record broken!
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Lose His Temper
Time: 4h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop or Brown House
Task: Make Moe Get Thrown Out
Time: 4h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop, Moe's Tavern or Brown House
Grampa: So much for not getting mad.
The Beefy Bishop: I’m getting madder hearing you say that!
Grampa: I mighta overstayed my welcome.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 2
The Beefy Bishop starts
The Beefy Bishop: Hey, Ned. You want the usual?
Ned: Not this time, barber-ino! I need a new look. Something that says "I love the Lord more than you do".
The Beefy Bishop: I've got just the thing.
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Give Ned a Bad Haircut
Time: 1h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop or Jake's Unisex Hair Palace
The Beefy Bishop: What do you think of that haircut?
Ned: I’m not sure. Does it look a little Seventeenth Century Mohican?
The Beefy Bishop: The Seventeenth Century is back again. Now you can reach the troubled youth of today.
Ned: You’re not only a beefy barber, you’re a brilliant barber!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 3
The Beefy Bishop starts
Bart: Eat my shorts, borscht breath!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: You’re going down!
The Beefy Bishop: This is a Barbershop of God, not some backyard brawl!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I get worked up when brats insult me.
The Beefy Bishop: He’s just a kid!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Not just any kid. He's Beautiful Bart! He caused me to lose my championship match!
Bart: I don't know what this gulag gasbag is talking about.
The Beefy Bishop: Young Bart is a saint and I won't have you bad mouth him.
The Beefy Bishop: *punches Rasputin*
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Have a Barbershop Brawl
Time: 8h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: You messed up my fresh haircut!
Bart: The barber trimmed too close to your brain, potato head!
The Beefy Bishop: What was that?
Bart: Uh, I said, "barbers ain't what they used to be".
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 4
The Beefy Bishop starts
The Beefy Bishop: My barbershop is a mess!
Moe: Yeah, it’s a bigger dump than my bar.
The Beefy Bishop: I thought I kicked you outta here?
Moe: You did. But you didn't say for how long.
The Beefy Bishop: Permanently if you don't get the hell outta here now!
Moe: Yeesh, keep your mitre on, padre.
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Repair Barbershop Window
Time: 1h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop
Azzlan: Pardon me, sir. Have you heard the good news?
The Beefy Bishop: No, but here’s some news for you: no pets allowed!
Jesus Christ: Sorry, Azzlan. Wait outside. You can use a tree for a scratching post.
Azzlan: Religious types are the worst.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 5
The Beefy Bishop starts
The Beefy Bishop: That lion really creeped me out.
Bart: And he was handing out pamphlets. Who does that when you can clog people’s mailboxes with spam?
The Beefy Bishop: I need to get his bad aura out of my shop.
Bart: Yeah, super retro.
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Bless the Barbershop
Time: 4h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop
The Beefy Bishop: Much better. Now, I can only feel the aura of washed up wrestlers and… booze slingers?
Moe: Just like it should be.
The Beefy Bishop: How do you keep getting back in here?!!
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 1
Rasputin the Friendly Russian starts
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: *laying on couch* I don't understand. I'm the friendly Russian, not the cold, mean, stereotypical Russian.
Marvin Monroe: It seems you have some pent-up aggression. How is your relationship with your mother?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: She is like a menacing bear.
Marvin Monroe: I’m sorry to hear that.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: No, menacing bear is the most loving of creatures in Russia.
Task: Make Rasputin Work Through Trauma
Time: 8h
Location: St. Basil's Cathedral, Monroe's Therapy Central or Brown House
Task: Make Marvin Monroe Be Disappointed in Mother Russia
Time: 8h
Location: St. Basil's Cathedral, Monroe's Therapy Central or Brown House
Marvin Monroe: Did you spend a lot of time with your mother?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Not as much as I wished. She went into hibernation most winters.
Marvin Monroe: It sounds to me like YOU are the one hibernating. You need to find your joy again. Get out in the sun and find what brightens your day.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I'll try. But don’t let this get back to Mother.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 2
Squeaky Voice Teen starts
Squeaky Voice Attendant: Sir, I can't serve you five gallons of ice cream. It's against company policy.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: But I have a five-gallon appetite!
Squeaky Voice Attendant: How ‘bout two gallons of ice cream and three gallons of toppings?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Da to ice cream. Nothing but nyet to toppings.
Task: Make Rasputin Angrily Eat Ice Cream
Time: 4h
Location: Ice Cream Truck or Brown House
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: This isn't working, I'm filled with rage along with cookies and cream.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: There is only one force more powerful than the love of ice cream...
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: ...the love of small animals.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 3
Moe starts
Moe: What can I do for ya?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I was told you're the man to see about cute animals.
Moe: Nah, I'm outta the importing exotic animals game. I got gored by too many water buffalo.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: This is too bad. I was prepared to spend much money to pet animals.
Moe: Actually… I might have something in the back. Come with me.
Task: Make Rasputin Play With Puppies
Time: 4h
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: The puppies are teething. I have become their chew bone. This isn't a pleasurable experience.
Moe: Sorry pal, no refunds.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 4
Rasputin the Friendly Russian starts
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I give up. I'm doomed to be Rasputin the Cranky Russian forever.
Duffman: …Never give up! Oh, yeah!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: You’re right. What kind of Russian would I be if I gave up?
Duffman: I meant never give up on the great taste of Duff!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: All the same, random brand mascot.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Now I need a symbol like your beer belt and cape to show my gusto. How do you say, “Oh, yeah!”
Duffman: Oh, NOOO!
Task: Make Rasputin Wave Flags
Time: 1h
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 5
Rasputin the Friendly Russian starts
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Flag waving didn't work. Did Duffman lead me astray?
Hans Moleman: Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Sure, it's half past four.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Wait, that's it! I can't believe it's been right under my broken nose this entire time!
Task: Make Rasputin Get His Joy Back
Time: 12h
Location: St. Basil's Cathedral or Brown House
Marvin Monroe: Did you find what would ignite your spark again?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Yes. It was in my pocket all along -- my nesting doll watch.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I felt lost without it. But now that I have it again, it’s ticking and so am I!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: It’s time for a steel cage match!... right after I finish these gallons of ice cream.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: What’s this? My application to lecture at my alma mater, University of Heidelberg, has been rejected!
Professor Werner von Brawn: While U.H. boasts the finest Physics AND Professional Wrestling departments on the continent, I suppose, I have neglected one for the other.
Professor Werner von Brawn: Perhaps boning up on my physics credentials will help them reconsider…
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Get Frustrated by Difficult Physics Problem
Time: 4h
Location: University of Heidelberg or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 2
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: This is ludicrous! How can physics be harder than wrestling?!
Professor Frink: Don’t be so hoyvin-glavin on yourself. You’ve been more focused on the biting and the Body Pressing and the Whatsit-Wheelbarrow Drivers...
Professor Frink: Maybe try attacking the rasslin’ and sciencing together and see where that takes you!
Professor Werner von Brawn: Yes…yes, that might work!
Professor Frink: Um, why are you staring at me like that?
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Bodyslam Frink to Measure Higgs Boson
Time: 8h
Location: University of Heidelberg or Brown House
Professor Werner von Brawn: Hmmm… those results were entirely expected, and therefore entirely dull.
Professor Werner von Brawn: But my intellectual passions are once again ignited! Now to find the right problem to solve.
Professor Frink: Try solving my fractured fibulas hoy-flavin!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 3
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: Ah, when inspiration strikes, it strikes like an Atomic Elbow Drop! Let’s try it!
Professor Frink: But I’m still healing from your last inspiration.
Professor Werner von Brawn: But this one is a quantum-based model of curved spacetime!
Professor Frink: Mhoyvin! It sounds painful.
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Twist Frink to Model Curved Spacetime
Time: 24h
Location: University of Heidelberg or Brown House
Professor Werner von Brawn: Bah! This isn’t how spacetime curves.
Professor Frink: This isn’t how my back curves either!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 4
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: A breakthrough! This one is a guaranteed Nobel Prize winner!
Professor Frink: Not again!
Professor Werner von Brawn: One word: Cavity Optomechanics!
Professor Frink: My cavities are off limits to science and wrestling!
Professor Werner von Brawn: Hey wait -- come back!
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Chase Frink Around the Ring
Time: 2h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Task: Make Frink Run Away From Werner Von Brawn
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Professor Werner von Brawn: Now that’s what I call a spatial superposition!
Professor Frink: *whimper* I hurt all the way down to my nanoparticles!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Hard Science Pt. 5
Professor Werner von Brawn starts
Professor Werner von Brawn: What?! The Nobel Committee rejected my application! And the University of Heidelberg turned me down again!
Professor Frink: On the bright side, you’re nominated for a Slammy Award as top wrestling superstar of the year.
Professor Werner von Brawn: WOO! Victory slam!
Professor Frink: Oy-NOOO!
Task: Make Werner von Brawn Taunt Opponents With His Muscles
Time: 8h
Location: Golden Ring Wrestling Headquarters, Wrestling Pavilion or Brown House
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 1
Rumbleina starts
Rumbleina: Ha! I found you!
Dr. Bonebreak: Oh, great. Here we go again.
Rumbleina: So you decide to become a Buddhist on our honeymoon?! You just took off on your path to enlightenment and left me! I AM your wife!
Dr. Bonebreak: Actually, in wrestling arenas, hitting your spouse with a folding chair as part of the main event is considered a common law divorce.
Rumbleina: *gasp*
Task: Make Rumbleina Read Up on Springfield Marriage Laws
Time: 12h
Location: Town Hall or Brown House
Rumbleina: Alright, Calvin. I’m tapping out.
Dr. Bonebreak: Whoa, Janice. Let’s keep it to stage names.
Rumbleina: My lawyers are telling me we’re divorced.
Dr. Bonebreak: Really?! That whole “hitting your spouse with a chair” thing I made up was true?
Dr. Bonebreak: Wonder if I can get out of a timeshare contract that way too?
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 2
Rumbleina starts
Rumbleina: *crying* Oh, what am I gonna do. I’ve lost him. He’s never coming back.
Kent Brockman: We’re live, on the scene of a bride who has been left at the altar. Why? Because we have no better news to bring you.
Rumbleina: What?… We’re live?
Kent Brockman: Yes, ma’am. With Channel Six’s “Eye on Springfield”.
Rumbleina: ...
Rumbleina: *starts singing to camera* DR. BONEBREAK, WON’T YOU COME BACKKK / JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT CHAIR ATTACKKK *key change*
Kent Brockman: Horrible lyrics.
Task: Make Rumbleina Sing Her Heart Out on Local TV
Time: 4h
Location: Channel 6 or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 3
Rumbleina starts
Luann: Rumbleina, I saw you on TV pouring your heart out with a love ballad.
Rumbleina: I know, it’s a bit desperate. I’m embarrassed.
Luann: Desperate? No, it wasn’t desperate enough. Love songs are a dime a dozen. If you want his attention, get more… what’s the word…? Psychotic.
Task: Make Rumbleina Shave Her Head for Attention
Time: 4h
Rumbleina: Are you sure this will work?
Luann: Do you want this man, or not?
Rumbleina: Yes, but I also want my head not to freeze in the winter.
Luann: Oo, I know. Nothing will get his attention better and says super psychotic more than a crazy wig.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 4
Rumbleina starts
Rumbleina: I haven’t heard a thing. How will I know Dr. Bonebreak’s even seen any of the things I’ve done?
Snake: Crime always gets their attention. Join me.
Task: Make Rumbleina Rob the Kwik-E-Mart With Snake
Time: 8h
Location: Kwik-E-Mart
Task: Make Snake Rob the Kwik-E-Mart With Rumbleina
Time: 8h
Location: Kwik-E-Mart
Snake: *accelerating away from the crime scene* Girl, you’re a natural. How ‘bout spending a life of crime with me?
Rumbleina: Professional wrestling is basically robbery. So, it would be a natural stepping stone for me.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Crazy for You Pt. 5
Rumbleina starts
Dr. Bonebreak: Alright, Rumbleina, I’ll re-marry you. Just quit embarrassing yourself.
Rumbleina: Ha! In your dreams. I finally found a real man.
Snake: Yeah, we’re getting married. *threatening* Unless you got a problem with that.
Dr. Bonebreak: Whoa, no need for violence. You can have her. Good luck to both of you.
Snake: That was easier than I expected.
Rumbleina: Too easy. He didn’t even fight for me.
Rumbleina: ...
Rumbleina: Bonebreak, come back! I need you!
Snake: This is awkward.
Snake: Seriously. My feelings are like majorly hurt, okay?
Task: Make Rumbleina Pretend to Ignore Dr. Bonebreak
Time: 12h
Location: Jake's Unisex Hair Palace or Brown House
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Beefy Bishop's Barbershop Gil Promo
Gil starts
Gil: Ol' Gil can't be looking scruffy while he's scroungin' for opportunities. Gotta stop and crop the top at the barber.
Julio: With you in a sec, sweetheart.
Gil: Whoa, sixty bucks?! How much to just do the sides?
Julio: I am an artiste. You want a Joe Schmo cut, you go to a Joe Schmo barbershop.
Julio: Joe Schmo's what I'm shootin' for! Is there anywhere around here like that? Something in the ten dollar range. Five dollars if I offer to sweep up after?
On offer accepted:
Gil: Ol' Gil's gonna be lookin' good for the ladies tonight!
Gil: All I need now is a swanky bachelor pad.
Gil: I'll just hit the appliance store and get me a nice one bedroom thrown-out refrigerator box. Ha-cha-cha.
On offer declined:
Gil: Ah, well. Back to the blood bank. There's gotta be a pint in ol' Gil's carcass somewhere.
Cut the Beef Pt. 1
Grampa starts
Grampa: Why won't you get back in the ring?
The Beefy Bishop: My wrestling days are long over, much like your hairline. Now leave me.
Grampa: But I want to gossip about our peers and see you lose your temper.
The Beefy Bishop: I haven't lost my temper in three hours. That's a new record for me.
Moe: *walking toward the door* I forgot my wallet. I'll need to take this haircut on credit.
The Beefy Bishop: Pay or your hair isn't the only thing getting cut!
Grampa: Three hours and one second. Record broken!
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Lose His Temper
Time: 4h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop or Brown House
Task: Make Moe Get Thrown Out
Time: 4h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop, Moe's Tavern or Brown House
Grampa: So much for not getting mad.
The Beefy Bishop: I’m getting madder hearing you say that!
Grampa: I mighta overstayed my welcome.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 2
The Beefy Bishop starts
The Beefy Bishop: Hey, Ned. You want the usual?
Ned: Not this time, barber-ino! I need a new look. Something that says "I love the Lord more than you do".
The Beefy Bishop: I've got just the thing.
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Give Ned a Bad Haircut
Time: 1h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop or Jake's Unisex Hair Palace
The Beefy Bishop: What do you think of that haircut?
Ned: I’m not sure. Does it look a little Seventeenth Century Mohican?
The Beefy Bishop: The Seventeenth Century is back again. Now you can reach the troubled youth of today.
Ned: You’re not only a beefy barber, you’re a brilliant barber!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 3
The Beefy Bishop starts
Bart: Eat my shorts, borscht breath!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: You’re going down!
The Beefy Bishop: This is a Barbershop of God, not some backyard brawl!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I get worked up when brats insult me.
The Beefy Bishop: He’s just a kid!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Not just any kid. He's Beautiful Bart! He caused me to lose my championship match!
Bart: I don't know what this gulag gasbag is talking about.
The Beefy Bishop: Young Bart is a saint and I won't have you bad mouth him.
The Beefy Bishop: *punches Rasputin*
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Have a Barbershop Brawl
Time: 8h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: You messed up my fresh haircut!
Bart: The barber trimmed too close to your brain, potato head!
The Beefy Bishop: What was that?
Bart: Uh, I said, "barbers ain't what they used to be".
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 4
The Beefy Bishop starts
The Beefy Bishop: My barbershop is a mess!
Moe: Yeah, it’s a bigger dump than my bar.
The Beefy Bishop: I thought I kicked you outta here?
Moe: You did. But you didn't say for how long.
The Beefy Bishop: Permanently if you don't get the hell outta here now!
Moe: Yeesh, keep your mitre on, padre.
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Repair Barbershop Window
Time: 1h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop
Azzlan: Pardon me, sir. Have you heard the good news?
The Beefy Bishop: No, but here’s some news for you: no pets allowed!
Jesus Christ: Sorry, Azzlan. Wait outside. You can use a tree for a scratching post.
Azzlan: Religious types are the worst.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Cut the Beef Pt. 5
The Beefy Bishop starts
The Beefy Bishop: That lion really creeped me out.
Bart: And he was handing out pamphlets. Who does that when you can clog people’s mailboxes with spam?
The Beefy Bishop: I need to get his bad aura out of my shop.
Bart: Yeah, super retro.
Task: Make Beefy Bishop Bless the Barbershop
Time: 4h
Location: Beefy Bishop's Barbershop
The Beefy Bishop: Much better. Now, I can only feel the aura of washed up wrestlers and… booze slingers?
Moe: Just like it should be.
The Beefy Bishop: How do you keep getting back in here?!!
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 1
Rasputin the Friendly Russian starts
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: *laying on couch* I don't understand. I'm the friendly Russian, not the cold, mean, stereotypical Russian.
Marvin Monroe: It seems you have some pent-up aggression. How is your relationship with your mother?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: She is like a menacing bear.
Marvin Monroe: I’m sorry to hear that.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: No, menacing bear is the most loving of creatures in Russia.
Task: Make Rasputin Work Through Trauma
Time: 8h
Location: St. Basil's Cathedral, Monroe's Therapy Central or Brown House
Task: Make Marvin Monroe Be Disappointed in Mother Russia
Time: 8h
Location: St. Basil's Cathedral, Monroe's Therapy Central or Brown House
Marvin Monroe: Did you spend a lot of time with your mother?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Not as much as I wished. She went into hibernation most winters.
Marvin Monroe: It sounds to me like YOU are the one hibernating. You need to find your joy again. Get out in the sun and find what brightens your day.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I'll try. But don’t let this get back to Mother.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 2
Squeaky Voice Teen starts
Squeaky Voice Attendant: Sir, I can't serve you five gallons of ice cream. It's against company policy.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: But I have a five-gallon appetite!
Squeaky Voice Attendant: How ‘bout two gallons of ice cream and three gallons of toppings?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Da to ice cream. Nothing but nyet to toppings.
Task: Make Rasputin Angrily Eat Ice Cream
Time: 4h
Location: Ice Cream Truck or Brown House
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: This isn't working, I'm filled with rage along with cookies and cream.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: There is only one force more powerful than the love of ice cream...
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: ...the love of small animals.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 3
Moe starts
Moe: What can I do for ya?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I was told you're the man to see about cute animals.
Moe: Nah, I'm outta the importing exotic animals game. I got gored by too many water buffalo.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: This is too bad. I was prepared to spend much money to pet animals.
Moe: Actually… I might have something in the back. Come with me.
Task: Make Rasputin Play With Puppies
Time: 4h
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: The puppies are teething. I have become their chew bone. This isn't a pleasurable experience.
Moe: Sorry pal, no refunds.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 4
Rasputin the Friendly Russian starts
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I give up. I'm doomed to be Rasputin the Cranky Russian forever.
Duffman: …Never give up! Oh, yeah!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: You’re right. What kind of Russian would I be if I gave up?
Duffman: I meant never give up on the great taste of Duff!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: All the same, random brand mascot.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Now I need a symbol like your beer belt and cape to show my gusto. How do you say, “Oh, yeah!”
Duffman: Oh, NOOO!
Task: Make Rasputin Wave Flags
Time: 1h
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Red in the Face Pt. 5
Rasputin the Friendly Russian starts
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Flag waving didn't work. Did Duffman lead me astray?
Hans Moleman: Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Sure, it's half past four.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Wait, that's it! I can't believe it's been right under my broken nose this entire time!
Task: Make Rasputin Get His Joy Back
Time: 12h
Location: St. Basil's Cathedral or Brown House
Marvin Monroe: Did you find what would ignite your spark again?
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: Yes. It was in my pocket all along -- my nesting doll watch.
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: I felt lost without it. But now that I have it again, it’s ticking and so am I!
Rasputin the Friendly Russian: It’s time for a steel cage match!... right after I finish these gallons of ice cream.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
