Simpsons Wrestling: Prizes Walkthrough
The Patriot Pt. 1
Lisa starts
Lisa: *gasp* America Man?!
Captain Flag: No, little girl. I’m Captain Flag. Defender of the Stars and Stripes. Suplexer of Terrorists. Champion of--
Lisa: Never heard of you.
Captain Flag: Guh.
Task: Make Lisa Look Up Captain Flag
Time: 4h
Location: Springfield Library, Springfield Elementary or Brown House
Task: Make Captain Flag Spread Patriotism
Time: 4h
Location: Town Hall or Brown House
Lisa: Captain Flag, it’s so great that you’ve come to spread patriotism in Springfield.
Lisa: It’s one of the things we’re sorely lacking, along with healthy food, competent medical care, and honest government officials.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 2
Captain Flag starts
Captain Flag: What happened to this town, hopeless child?
Lisa: It’s Lisa.
Captain Flag: No matter. I see a town suffering from a complete lack of patriotism!
Bart: I’m suffering from not seeing your famous Twisting Piledriver!
Captain Flag: My wrestling days are over. But I can give Springfield a heavy dose of Old Glory!
Bart: Eh, I’d rather have the Piledriver.
Task: Make Captain Flag Proudly Wave the Flag
Time: 1h
Captain Flag: No one is paying attention to me or my Stars and Stripes!
Lisa: Hey, your flag only has forty-eight stars on it.
Captain Flag: Alaska and Hawaii be damned. There are enough problems in the lower forty-eight!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 3
Lisa starts
Lisa: Captain Flag, maybe try spreading patriotism from inside the ring. You’d have all of Springfield watching.
Captain Flag: I can’t get back in the ring alone! I’m a tag team, and my partner Half-Mast is M.I.A.!
Homer: M.I.A… Munched In an Accident?
Lisa: Missing In Action, Dad.
Homer: That’s horrible! Not as horrible as Munched In an Accident, but still pretty horrible.
Task: Make Captain Flag Consider a Comeback as a Solo Act
Time: 8h
Location: Golden Ring Wrestling Headquarters, Town Hall or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 4
Moe starts
Moe: Mr. Flag, yer patriotism problem is because people here in Springfield are already so very American.
Moe: You got yer hot dogs, baseball, apple pie and… *bald eagle screeches from the corner*
Moe: Shut up, you dumb bald-headed bird!
Barney: And where else on planet Earth can people pull off jean shorts! *burp*
Captain Flag: Jean shorts, eh? I suppose I could give ‘em a good ol’ American try.
Task: Make Captain Flag Wear Jean Shorts in the Ring
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion or Brown House
Quimby: Captain Flag, your patriotic pummelings have coincided with a thirty-percent uptick in citywide patriotism.
Quimby: Unfortunately, flag burnings have upticked a little more.
Quimby: There’s more smoke coming from flags than the tire fire. It seems you’re rather divisive.
Lisa: But that’s what makes freedom of speech one of the great hallmarks of American liberty.
Quimby: Freedom of speech has also made our air unbreathable.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 5
Captain Flag starts
Captain Flag: This town is hopeless! Never in my long career traveling between backwater burgs with local wrestling leagues have I experienced a group of people so wildly un-American.
Captain Flag: Springfield, get ready to be Suplexed!
Task: Make Captain Flag Suplex EVERYONE
Time: 4h
On job start:
Lisa: He’s… he’s done it. He’s reached peak America.
Homer: *crying* It’s so beautiful.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 1
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Well, if it isn’t Honest Abe!
Honest Abe: Burns, you’ve already recovered from the Diving Corkscrew Elbow Drop I gave you in the ring?
Mr. Burns: My good man, that elbow drop did more for my back than my chiropractor has in thirty years.
Mr. Burns: Do me again, Abe!
Honest Abe: *lifts Mr. Burns*
Mr. Burns: *back cracking sounds* Aaaaahhh, that’s some good old fashioned bone-on-bone action…
Task: Make Honest Abe Piledrive Mr. Burns
Time: 4h
Location: Backyard Wrestling Ring, Burns Manor or Brown House
Bart: You okay, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: *laying on the ground* I can’t feel my legs.
Mr. Burns: Before they pained me so. Now nothing! I’ve never felt so alive!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, pick me up! I want to do the Five Step Waltz! No…this is a celebration. Make it a Six Step Waltz!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 2
Marge starts
Marge: Abe, I don’t think Body Slamming a hundred-plus year old man is very wise.
Honest Abe: You’re right, Marge. I should stick to slamming ninety-year-olds!
Marge: I mean you’re no spring chicken yourself. You shouldn’t be getting in the ring at all at your age.
Honest Abe: At my age?! I’d Body Slam you right now if it wouldn’t make Christmas awkward!
Honest Abe: That’s it. I challenge the whole darn town! Five hundred bucks to anyone who dares take Honest Abe in the ring.
Nelson: Hmm, five hundred bucks would buy a lot of sleeves for my vest…
Task: Make Honest Abe Give Nelson a Half-Nelson
Time: 8h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Abe, you can’t beat up a little kid. That’s our job.
Wiggum: Now unhand that bully. And I’ll take the cash as evidence.
Lou: Evidence?
Wiggum: Here’s fifty bucks to forget this ever happened.
Lou: A hundred bucks puts me in a coma till next Tuesday.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 3
(sidequest), Icon: Abe_Honest
Grampa starts
Honest Abe: If I can’t wrestle little kids anymore, what’s the point of being alive?
Bart: Come on, Grampa. There’s gotta be somebody who’ll take your challenge.
Rev. Lovejoy: Prepare to meet your maker, Abe.
Ned: Reverend?! Jesus climbed onto a cross, but you climbing into a ring is a whole different thing.
Rev. Lovejoy: Ned, the Good Book tells us that Jesus will return in the end times heavily tattooed, wearing blood-soaked robes, with swords coming out of his mouth.
Rev. Lovejoy: This is as close to Jesus as I can get. I’m getting in that ring and laying down the law. The Law of Moses!
Ned: Well, I can’t recite a contradictory scripture so… tag team?
Rev. Lovejoy: So it is written… tag team.
Task: Make Honest Abe Tag Team the Bible Thumpers
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Helen Lovejoy: Timothy Lovejoy! Why in God’s name are you wrestling?!
Rev. Lovejoy: That’s exactly why, Helen. All in God’s name.
Helen Lovejoy: And Ned! You’re wrestling too?
Ned: I got a tag team dream with a death wish for a death match!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 4
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Abe, old friend. If you wish to prove you’re still the best in the squared circle, you’ll have to fight… Glamorous Godfrey!
Honest Abe: Glamorous Godfrey? But he’s retired! Also, side note: he’s ME! I can’t fight myself.
Professor Frink: Did I hear something about molecular DNA disjointification cloning?
Honest Abe: Cloning?! Is that even possible?
Professor Frink: With this machine it is! The BIFURCATION-inator. That stands for Breaking Into Flesh Until Really Catastrophic Anatomical—
Honest Abe: I’m sitting down. This explanation is longer than I thought.
Professor Frink: --Tearing Is Only Natural… inator.
Professor Frink: I’ll sit down now too.
Task: Make Honest Abe Clone Himself With the BIFURCATION-inator
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion or Brown House
Gorgeous Grampa: *poofing into existence* What the--?! Who took me away from my preening mirror?
Professor Frink: I can’t believe it worked! This is a scientific achievement of the highest order!
Honest Abe: Wait. You mean you never tested this thing before?!
Professor Frink: Let’s not focus on the details. What’s important is that… uh-oh Godfrey is disintegrating, and melting, and… poof, he’s gone.
Professor Frink: Making a note here… solid progress.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 5
Wolfcastle starts
Wolfcastle: Abe, I accept your challenge. But if I win then the money goes to Charity.
Honest Abe: Charity? Then I’d be honored to lose. Which charity?
Wolfcastle: Charity is my mistress.
Honest Abe: I shoulda known it was a screwy offer. I’ll be damned if--
Wolfcastle: Charity runs an organization for underprivileged children.
Honest Abe: Oh, sorry. Okay, but before I get in the ring with you, I want to see your preening skills.
Wolfcastle: I thought only Glamorous Godfrey concerned himself with preening.
Honest Abe: I don’t see preening!
Wolfcastle: Okay, okay, like this?
Honest Abe: More strut! Work the hair!
Wolfcastle: My body doesn’t move like that! *crack*
Wolfcastle: Ach! My back! *falls to the ground* I can’t… go on…
Honest Abe: Oh, well. Guess I’ll just take my money then. I’m off to the spa. Give my best to Charity!
Task: Make Honest Abe Get a Spa Treatment
Time: 4h
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 1
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Dr. Bonebreak: Ah, Springfield. More holy than the temples at Borobudur and Mahabodhi combined.
Milhouse: WHHHADDDUPPP, Dr. Bonebreak?!
Milhouse: I saw you bust a table over The Beefy Bishop’s back on Friday Night Feud!
Dr. Bonebreak: Mmm, yes. I gained true enlightenment from that fight.
Dr. Bonebreak: And that led me to end my career in the ring and Springfield and to pursue the teachings of the Buddha.
Milhouse: But you’re back. For more enlightenment?
Dr. Bonebreak: Nah, enlightenment doesn’t pay much. This monk’s gotta make money.
Dr. Bonebreak: Know of any job openings?
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Look for a New Job
Time: 4h
Location: Office of Unemployment, Town Hall or Brown House
Milhouse: Dr. Bonebreak, did you find a job?
Dr. Bonebreak: I was peacefully flipping burgers at Krusty Burger, but some squeaky-voiced teen got in my face so I rubbed his in mayonnaise.
Milhouse: I guess it coulda been worse.
Dr. Bonebreak: It was. He had an allergic reaction and was airlifted to the hospital. He is squeaky-voiced no more.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 2
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Apu: Your qualifications are perfect, Dr. Bonebreak. I am in need of someone to work the night shift at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Dr. Bonebreak: And you’re seeking a former professional wrestler?
Apu: The night shift can get rough, yes.
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Work a Shift at Kwik-E-Mart
Time: 12h
Location: Kwik-E-Mart
Apu: Dr. Bonebreak! You cannot just break the fingers of teenagers who take a penny but refuse to leave a penny.
Dr. Bonebreak: Stealin’s stealin’. And they got off easy. I was going to smash a Squishee machine on their heads.
Apu: Don’t ever do that! It would damage a perfectly good Squishee machine.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 3
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Milhouse: Dr. Bonebreak, perhaps you need to find a job that uses your strength but keeps you away from other humans, or anything with bones really.
Dr. Bonebreak: Hmm. Do babies have bones?
Milhouse: Yeah. I’d avoid babies entirely.
Milhouse: Look at this ad -- the Springfield Dump needs someone to stack junked cars.
Dr. Bonebreak: *reading* Requires superior strength, check. No human interaction, check. And no babies, check!
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Haul Junk
Time: 4h
Maggie: *suck suck*
Dr. Bonebreak: Oh, no! There’s a baby in this dump! I gotta quit!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 4
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Fat Tony: Psst, Doc. I hear you got a real knack for keepin’ people outta places they don’t belong. I could use someone like that at my club.
Dr. Bonebreak: What did you have in mind?
Fat Tony: Let’s just say I need some “rats” exterminated.
Dr. Bonebreak: Rats? Gross! Rats are filthy creatures.
Fat Tony: Good. So we see eye-to-eye. It’s time they get… “whacked”.
Dr. Bonebreak: That sounds messy. I prefer to use traps.
Fat Tony: I’ll leave the methods to you. As long as they’re swimming with the fishes by nightfall.
Dr. Bonebreak: *chuckles* Silly mobster. Rats can’t swim.
Fat Tony: My point exactly.
Dr. Bonebreak: That’s a great idea, I’ll donate them to the local pet store so they have some other friends, like the fishes. I’ll get right to it. *leaves*
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Search for Rats at the Club
Time: 6h
Location: Businesssman's Social Club, Fat Tony's Compound or Brown House
Fat Tony: So tell me, Doc. You find those “rats” we talked about?
Dr. Bonebreak: Did I ever. There were over thirty of them in the basement.
Fat Tony: Thirty rats?! I was being more double-crossed than I ever thought!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 5
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Dr. Bonebreak: None of these jobs are right for me. What am I gonna do? I can’t go back to the ring.
Lisa: Dr. Bonebreak, do you realize you’re still dressing for your old job?
Dr. Bonebreak: I thought a top coat with no shirt, torn pants and a do-rag would open employment doors.
Lisa: It closes more than it opens. You should not dress for the job you have but rather the job you want.
Dr. Bonebreak: Sounds like you’re trying to get a shirt on me.
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Dress for Success
Time: 4h
Dr. Bonebreak: I dressed for every job I applied for in Springfield but nobody wants me. I might as well just go back to wrestling.
Mr. Burns: Finally you’re using your brain!
Mr. Burns: Now stop using your brain, because I’m paying you twenty-five dollars a week to join my new Golden Ring Wrestling league.
Dr. Bonebreak: Twenty-five dollars? How can I eat on that?
Mr. Burns: I assume you eat the wrestlers you defeat.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.1
Iron Yuppie starts
Bart: Iron Yuppie, remember that time you bashed Dr. Hillbilly with your briefcase, which then opened to reveal another briefcase that you used to bash him again?
Iron Yuppie: That’s what I call a “day at the office".
Bart: That made me want to grow up to be an office worker!
Task: Make Bart Regale Iron Yuppie About Previous Matches
Time: 4h
Location: Brown House
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Reminisce About Inflicting Brain Damage
Time: 4h
Location: Brown House
Bart: *four hours later* …or remember the time you knocked out the Psycho Cyclops with a Double Underhook Powerbomb?! Awesome!
Iron Yuppie: You know what would be more awesome…? Scoring Iron Yuppie some grub.
Bart: Hmm… you’re gonna need a Mr. Burns-sized mansion of meat. You should hit him up.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.2
Iron Yuppie starts
Iron Yuppie: Excuse me. I was told to look here for a mountainous meal to build my muscle mass.
Smithers: Mr. Burns doesn’t serve vagrants off the street. I usually turn the firehose on them.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that at the door? These shoulders aren’t going to finish shiatsu-ing themselves.
Smithers: No one, sir.
Iron Yuppie: I’ll SLAM you into oblivion, twerp.
Mr. Burns: Wait, I recognize that arrogance, that abusive temperament, the faintest aroma of cheap cologne... you’re the Iron Yuppie!
Iron Yuppie: *barges in* Got that right, old man. Now I need food!
Task: Make Mr. Burns Demand a Feast From Smithers
Time: 8h
Location: Burns Manor or Brown House
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Rifle Through Burns Cupboards for Appetizers
Time: 8h
Location: Burns Manor or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.3
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Iron Yuppie, I’ll confess, I have an ulterior motive in preparing this banquet for you.
Iron Yuppie: I know. You want to feel my rippling biceps.
Mr. Burns: Well, yes… but something else. I want you to get back into the ring.
Iron Yuppie: Sorry. Been there, done that.
Mr. Burns: But everyone loves a good comeback. Especially a hated wrestling villain like yourself.
Iron Yuppie: I don’t want to be a hated wrestler anymore. What’s the opposite of that?
Smithers: A nice guy.
Mr. Burns: What? No, no. Never that! You should love to be hated.
Iron Yuppie: But I want to show people the gentler side of me. Like the Snuggle bear in those laundry commercials.
Mr. Burns: The gentler side? Good luck with that.
Mr. Burns: By the way, I slipped performance enhancing drugs into the meatloaf to toughen you up.
Iron Yuppie: GrrrRRRR! Time to go nuts!
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Smash Valuable Objects
Time: 8h
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.4
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Smithers! Stop this hepped-up hulk before he breaks all my precious porcelains!
Smithers: Sir, I’m releasing the hounds.
Mr. Burns: Releasing the hounds…? That’s my thing.
Smithers: I wanted to try it once. It does feel good.
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Outrun the Hounds
Time: 6h
Location: Burns Manor or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.5
Iron Yuppie starts
Iron Yuppie: Excuse me, I'll have your best beer.
Moe: Uh, our best beer is also our worst.
Barney: *burp-cough-gag*
Moe: Uh-oh, Barney’s chokin’ on a pickled egg. This is what you get for eatin’ before you drink.
Barney: *cough-cough-gag*
Lenny: Somebody… not me… be heroic and do something!
Iron Yuppie: Wait a second... I could be that hero!
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Roll Barney Over
Time: 4h
Location: Moe's Tavern or Brown House
Iron Yuppie: You’re okay… I saved your life!
Moe: Thank him, Barney.
Barney: *long belch*
Iron Yuppie: Not the thanks I was hoping for.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.6
Iron Yuppie starts
Iron Yuppie: In all my attempts at heroism I’ve only managed to roll a drunk. Not exactly benefiting society.
Iron Yuppie: *sigh* Maybe playing the villain suits me better.
Hans Moleman: Excuse me sir, you dropped your briefcase.
Iron Yuppie: Dropped my briefcase like I’m going to drop you… and so many others!
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Make a Comeback by Assaulting the Elderly
Time: 4h
Location: The Coot Society, Springfield Retirement Castle or Brown House
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Lisa starts
Lisa: *gasp* America Man?!
Captain Flag: No, little girl. I’m Captain Flag. Defender of the Stars and Stripes. Suplexer of Terrorists. Champion of--
Lisa: Never heard of you.
Captain Flag: Guh.
Task: Make Lisa Look Up Captain Flag
Time: 4h
Location: Springfield Library, Springfield Elementary or Brown House
Task: Make Captain Flag Spread Patriotism
Time: 4h
Location: Town Hall or Brown House
Lisa: Captain Flag, it’s so great that you’ve come to spread patriotism in Springfield.
Lisa: It’s one of the things we’re sorely lacking, along with healthy food, competent medical care, and honest government officials.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 2
Captain Flag starts
Captain Flag: What happened to this town, hopeless child?
Lisa: It’s Lisa.
Captain Flag: No matter. I see a town suffering from a complete lack of patriotism!
Bart: I’m suffering from not seeing your famous Twisting Piledriver!
Captain Flag: My wrestling days are over. But I can give Springfield a heavy dose of Old Glory!
Bart: Eh, I’d rather have the Piledriver.
Task: Make Captain Flag Proudly Wave the Flag
Time: 1h
Captain Flag: No one is paying attention to me or my Stars and Stripes!
Lisa: Hey, your flag only has forty-eight stars on it.
Captain Flag: Alaska and Hawaii be damned. There are enough problems in the lower forty-eight!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 3
Lisa starts
Lisa: Captain Flag, maybe try spreading patriotism from inside the ring. You’d have all of Springfield watching.
Captain Flag: I can’t get back in the ring alone! I’m a tag team, and my partner Half-Mast is M.I.A.!
Homer: M.I.A… Munched In an Accident?
Lisa: Missing In Action, Dad.
Homer: That’s horrible! Not as horrible as Munched In an Accident, but still pretty horrible.
Task: Make Captain Flag Consider a Comeback as a Solo Act
Time: 8h
Location: Golden Ring Wrestling Headquarters, Town Hall or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 4
Moe starts
Moe: Mr. Flag, yer patriotism problem is because people here in Springfield are already so very American.
Moe: You got yer hot dogs, baseball, apple pie and… *bald eagle screeches from the corner*
Moe: Shut up, you dumb bald-headed bird!
Barney: And where else on planet Earth can people pull off jean shorts! *burp*
Captain Flag: Jean shorts, eh? I suppose I could give ‘em a good ol’ American try.
Task: Make Captain Flag Wear Jean Shorts in the Ring
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion or Brown House
Quimby: Captain Flag, your patriotic pummelings have coincided with a thirty-percent uptick in citywide patriotism.
Quimby: Unfortunately, flag burnings have upticked a little more.
Quimby: There’s more smoke coming from flags than the tire fire. It seems you’re rather divisive.
Lisa: But that’s what makes freedom of speech one of the great hallmarks of American liberty.
Quimby: Freedom of speech has also made our air unbreathable.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Patriot Pt. 5
Captain Flag starts
Captain Flag: This town is hopeless! Never in my long career traveling between backwater burgs with local wrestling leagues have I experienced a group of people so wildly un-American.
Captain Flag: Springfield, get ready to be Suplexed!
Task: Make Captain Flag Suplex EVERYONE
Time: 4h
On job start:
Lisa: He’s… he’s done it. He’s reached peak America.
Homer: *crying* It’s so beautiful.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 1
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Well, if it isn’t Honest Abe!
Honest Abe: Burns, you’ve already recovered from the Diving Corkscrew Elbow Drop I gave you in the ring?
Mr. Burns: My good man, that elbow drop did more for my back than my chiropractor has in thirty years.
Mr. Burns: Do me again, Abe!
Honest Abe: *lifts Mr. Burns*
Mr. Burns: *back cracking sounds* Aaaaahhh, that’s some good old fashioned bone-on-bone action…
Task: Make Honest Abe Piledrive Mr. Burns
Time: 4h
Location: Backyard Wrestling Ring, Burns Manor or Brown House
Bart: You okay, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: *laying on the ground* I can’t feel my legs.
Mr. Burns: Before they pained me so. Now nothing! I’ve never felt so alive!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, pick me up! I want to do the Five Step Waltz! No…this is a celebration. Make it a Six Step Waltz!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 2
Marge starts
Marge: Abe, I don’t think Body Slamming a hundred-plus year old man is very wise.
Honest Abe: You’re right, Marge. I should stick to slamming ninety-year-olds!
Marge: I mean you’re no spring chicken yourself. You shouldn’t be getting in the ring at all at your age.
Honest Abe: At my age?! I’d Body Slam you right now if it wouldn’t make Christmas awkward!
Honest Abe: That’s it. I challenge the whole darn town! Five hundred bucks to anyone who dares take Honest Abe in the ring.
Nelson: Hmm, five hundred bucks would buy a lot of sleeves for my vest…
Task: Make Honest Abe Give Nelson a Half-Nelson
Time: 8h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Abe, you can’t beat up a little kid. That’s our job.
Wiggum: Now unhand that bully. And I’ll take the cash as evidence.
Lou: Evidence?
Wiggum: Here’s fifty bucks to forget this ever happened.
Lou: A hundred bucks puts me in a coma till next Tuesday.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 3
(sidequest), Icon: Abe_Honest
Grampa starts
Honest Abe: If I can’t wrestle little kids anymore, what’s the point of being alive?
Bart: Come on, Grampa. There’s gotta be somebody who’ll take your challenge.
Rev. Lovejoy: Prepare to meet your maker, Abe.
Ned: Reverend?! Jesus climbed onto a cross, but you climbing into a ring is a whole different thing.
Rev. Lovejoy: Ned, the Good Book tells us that Jesus will return in the end times heavily tattooed, wearing blood-soaked robes, with swords coming out of his mouth.
Rev. Lovejoy: This is as close to Jesus as I can get. I’m getting in that ring and laying down the law. The Law of Moses!
Ned: Well, I can’t recite a contradictory scripture so… tag team?
Rev. Lovejoy: So it is written… tag team.
Task: Make Honest Abe Tag Team the Bible Thumpers
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion, Backyard Wrestling Ring or Brown House
Helen Lovejoy: Timothy Lovejoy! Why in God’s name are you wrestling?!
Rev. Lovejoy: That’s exactly why, Helen. All in God’s name.
Helen Lovejoy: And Ned! You’re wrestling too?
Ned: I got a tag team dream with a death wish for a death match!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 4
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Abe, old friend. If you wish to prove you’re still the best in the squared circle, you’ll have to fight… Glamorous Godfrey!
Honest Abe: Glamorous Godfrey? But he’s retired! Also, side note: he’s ME! I can’t fight myself.
Professor Frink: Did I hear something about molecular DNA disjointification cloning?
Honest Abe: Cloning?! Is that even possible?
Professor Frink: With this machine it is! The BIFURCATION-inator. That stands for Breaking Into Flesh Until Really Catastrophic Anatomical—
Honest Abe: I’m sitting down. This explanation is longer than I thought.
Professor Frink: --Tearing Is Only Natural… inator.
Professor Frink: I’ll sit down now too.
Task: Make Honest Abe Clone Himself With the BIFURCATION-inator
Time: 4h
Location: Wrestling Pavilion or Brown House
Gorgeous Grampa: *poofing into existence* What the--?! Who took me away from my preening mirror?
Professor Frink: I can’t believe it worked! This is a scientific achievement of the highest order!
Honest Abe: Wait. You mean you never tested this thing before?!
Professor Frink: Let’s not focus on the details. What’s important is that… uh-oh Godfrey is disintegrating, and melting, and… poof, he’s gone.
Professor Frink: Making a note here… solid progress.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Making an Honest Buck Pt. 5
Wolfcastle starts
Wolfcastle: Abe, I accept your challenge. But if I win then the money goes to Charity.
Honest Abe: Charity? Then I’d be honored to lose. Which charity?
Wolfcastle: Charity is my mistress.
Honest Abe: I shoulda known it was a screwy offer. I’ll be damned if--
Wolfcastle: Charity runs an organization for underprivileged children.
Honest Abe: Oh, sorry. Okay, but before I get in the ring with you, I want to see your preening skills.
Wolfcastle: I thought only Glamorous Godfrey concerned himself with preening.
Honest Abe: I don’t see preening!
Wolfcastle: Okay, okay, like this?
Honest Abe: More strut! Work the hair!
Wolfcastle: My body doesn’t move like that! *crack*
Wolfcastle: Ach! My back! *falls to the ground* I can’t… go on…
Honest Abe: Oh, well. Guess I’ll just take my money then. I’m off to the spa. Give my best to Charity!
Task: Make Honest Abe Get a Spa Treatment
Time: 4h
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 1
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Dr. Bonebreak: Ah, Springfield. More holy than the temples at Borobudur and Mahabodhi combined.
Milhouse: WHHHADDDUPPP, Dr. Bonebreak?!
Milhouse: I saw you bust a table over The Beefy Bishop’s back on Friday Night Feud!
Dr. Bonebreak: Mmm, yes. I gained true enlightenment from that fight.
Dr. Bonebreak: And that led me to end my career in the ring and Springfield and to pursue the teachings of the Buddha.
Milhouse: But you’re back. For more enlightenment?
Dr. Bonebreak: Nah, enlightenment doesn’t pay much. This monk’s gotta make money.
Dr. Bonebreak: Know of any job openings?
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Look for a New Job
Time: 4h
Location: Office of Unemployment, Town Hall or Brown House
Milhouse: Dr. Bonebreak, did you find a job?
Dr. Bonebreak: I was peacefully flipping burgers at Krusty Burger, but some squeaky-voiced teen got in my face so I rubbed his in mayonnaise.
Milhouse: I guess it coulda been worse.
Dr. Bonebreak: It was. He had an allergic reaction and was airlifted to the hospital. He is squeaky-voiced no more.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 2
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Apu: Your qualifications are perfect, Dr. Bonebreak. I am in need of someone to work the night shift at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Dr. Bonebreak: And you’re seeking a former professional wrestler?
Apu: The night shift can get rough, yes.
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Work a Shift at Kwik-E-Mart
Time: 12h
Location: Kwik-E-Mart
Apu: Dr. Bonebreak! You cannot just break the fingers of teenagers who take a penny but refuse to leave a penny.
Dr. Bonebreak: Stealin’s stealin’. And they got off easy. I was going to smash a Squishee machine on their heads.
Apu: Don’t ever do that! It would damage a perfectly good Squishee machine.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 3
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Milhouse: Dr. Bonebreak, perhaps you need to find a job that uses your strength but keeps you away from other humans, or anything with bones really.
Dr. Bonebreak: Hmm. Do babies have bones?
Milhouse: Yeah. I’d avoid babies entirely.
Milhouse: Look at this ad -- the Springfield Dump needs someone to stack junked cars.
Dr. Bonebreak: *reading* Requires superior strength, check. No human interaction, check. And no babies, check!
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Haul Junk
Time: 4h
Maggie: *suck suck*
Dr. Bonebreak: Oh, no! There’s a baby in this dump! I gotta quit!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 4
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Fat Tony: Psst, Doc. I hear you got a real knack for keepin’ people outta places they don’t belong. I could use someone like that at my club.
Dr. Bonebreak: What did you have in mind?
Fat Tony: Let’s just say I need some “rats” exterminated.
Dr. Bonebreak: Rats? Gross! Rats are filthy creatures.
Fat Tony: Good. So we see eye-to-eye. It’s time they get… “whacked”.
Dr. Bonebreak: That sounds messy. I prefer to use traps.
Fat Tony: I’ll leave the methods to you. As long as they’re swimming with the fishes by nightfall.
Dr. Bonebreak: *chuckles* Silly mobster. Rats can’t swim.
Fat Tony: My point exactly.
Dr. Bonebreak: That’s a great idea, I’ll donate them to the local pet store so they have some other friends, like the fishes. I’ll get right to it. *leaves*
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Search for Rats at the Club
Time: 6h
Location: Businesssman's Social Club, Fat Tony's Compound or Brown House
Fat Tony: So tell me, Doc. You find those “rats” we talked about?
Dr. Bonebreak: Did I ever. There were over thirty of them in the basement.
Fat Tony: Thirty rats?! I was being more double-crossed than I ever thought!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Path to Enlightenment Pt. 5
Dr. Bonebreak starts
Dr. Bonebreak: None of these jobs are right for me. What am I gonna do? I can’t go back to the ring.
Lisa: Dr. Bonebreak, do you realize you’re still dressing for your old job?
Dr. Bonebreak: I thought a top coat with no shirt, torn pants and a do-rag would open employment doors.
Lisa: It closes more than it opens. You should not dress for the job you have but rather the job you want.
Dr. Bonebreak: Sounds like you’re trying to get a shirt on me.
Task: Make Dr. Bonebreak Dress for Success
Time: 4h
Dr. Bonebreak: I dressed for every job I applied for in Springfield but nobody wants me. I might as well just go back to wrestling.
Mr. Burns: Finally you’re using your brain!
Mr. Burns: Now stop using your brain, because I’m paying you twenty-five dollars a week to join my new Golden Ring Wrestling league.
Dr. Bonebreak: Twenty-five dollars? How can I eat on that?
Mr. Burns: I assume you eat the wrestlers you defeat.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.1
Iron Yuppie starts
Bart: Iron Yuppie, remember that time you bashed Dr. Hillbilly with your briefcase, which then opened to reveal another briefcase that you used to bash him again?
Iron Yuppie: That’s what I call a “day at the office".
Bart: That made me want to grow up to be an office worker!
Task: Make Bart Regale Iron Yuppie About Previous Matches
Time: 4h
Location: Brown House
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Reminisce About Inflicting Brain Damage
Time: 4h
Location: Brown House
Bart: *four hours later* …or remember the time you knocked out the Psycho Cyclops with a Double Underhook Powerbomb?! Awesome!
Iron Yuppie: You know what would be more awesome…? Scoring Iron Yuppie some grub.
Bart: Hmm… you’re gonna need a Mr. Burns-sized mansion of meat. You should hit him up.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.2
Iron Yuppie starts
Iron Yuppie: Excuse me. I was told to look here for a mountainous meal to build my muscle mass.
Smithers: Mr. Burns doesn’t serve vagrants off the street. I usually turn the firehose on them.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that at the door? These shoulders aren’t going to finish shiatsu-ing themselves.
Smithers: No one, sir.
Iron Yuppie: I’ll SLAM you into oblivion, twerp.
Mr. Burns: Wait, I recognize that arrogance, that abusive temperament, the faintest aroma of cheap cologne... you’re the Iron Yuppie!
Iron Yuppie: *barges in* Got that right, old man. Now I need food!
Task: Make Mr. Burns Demand a Feast From Smithers
Time: 8h
Location: Burns Manor or Brown House
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Rifle Through Burns Cupboards for Appetizers
Time: 8h
Location: Burns Manor or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.3
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Iron Yuppie, I’ll confess, I have an ulterior motive in preparing this banquet for you.
Iron Yuppie: I know. You want to feel my rippling biceps.
Mr. Burns: Well, yes… but something else. I want you to get back into the ring.
Iron Yuppie: Sorry. Been there, done that.
Mr. Burns: But everyone loves a good comeback. Especially a hated wrestling villain like yourself.
Iron Yuppie: I don’t want to be a hated wrestler anymore. What’s the opposite of that?
Smithers: A nice guy.
Mr. Burns: What? No, no. Never that! You should love to be hated.
Iron Yuppie: But I want to show people the gentler side of me. Like the Snuggle bear in those laundry commercials.
Mr. Burns: The gentler side? Good luck with that.
Mr. Burns: By the way, I slipped performance enhancing drugs into the meatloaf to toughen you up.
Iron Yuppie: GrrrRRRR! Time to go nuts!
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Smash Valuable Objects
Time: 8h
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.4
Mr. Burns starts
Mr. Burns: Smithers! Stop this hepped-up hulk before he breaks all my precious porcelains!
Smithers: Sir, I’m releasing the hounds.
Mr. Burns: Releasing the hounds…? That’s my thing.
Smithers: I wanted to try it once. It does feel good.
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Outrun the Hounds
Time: 6h
Location: Burns Manor or Brown House
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.5
Iron Yuppie starts
Iron Yuppie: Excuse me, I'll have your best beer.
Moe: Uh, our best beer is also our worst.
Barney: *burp-cough-gag*
Moe: Uh-oh, Barney’s chokin’ on a pickled egg. This is what you get for eatin’ before you drink.
Barney: *cough-cough-gag*
Lenny: Somebody… not me… be heroic and do something!
Iron Yuppie: Wait a second... I could be that hero!
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Roll Barney Over
Time: 4h
Location: Moe's Tavern or Brown House
Iron Yuppie: You’re okay… I saved your life!
Moe: Thank him, Barney.
Barney: *long belch*
Iron Yuppie: Not the thanks I was hoping for.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Turna-Bout Pt.6
Iron Yuppie starts
Iron Yuppie: In all my attempts at heroism I’ve only managed to roll a drunk. Not exactly benefiting society.
Iron Yuppie: *sigh* Maybe playing the villain suits me better.
Hans Moleman: Excuse me sir, you dropped your briefcase.
Iron Yuppie: Dropped my briefcase like I’m going to drop you… and so many others!
Task: Make Iron Yuppie Make a Comeback by Assaulting the Elderly
Time: 4h
Location: The Coot Society, Springfield Retirement Castle or Brown House
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
