Mass Effect LE (Windows) launcher crashes on startup

I have Mass Effect LE purchased through steam (way to make origin have to launch every single time - I'm sure that's not helping cause any bugs) and every time I launch the game, the launcher shows me the pretty splash screen with all my favorite ME characters then the Bioware logo, then crashes.

I have tried launching through steam, through Origin, and through the launcher file itself.

I have updated my GPU drivers, my other drivers for my processor and everything else are up to date and I've rebooted like 8 times, to no avail.

I have tried granting the launcher extra admin permissions, which did nothing useful, and checked the integrity of the game files twice, as well as an uninstall and reinstall, then checked again.

My system specs exceed minimum requirements and I would like to actually be able to play the game instead of returning it.

Also, I'm not changing my system's time zone to make a single game work, so if that's your advice, fix that crap on your end.