The Ewok rant

"Mále;d-121352" wrote:
Disclaimer: This rant is purely intended to express my undying hatred for the Ewoks. It is in no way intended to call out the developing team of Star Wars Galaxy of kittens Narnia, discourage spending among the 12-year old Ewok fan base or in any way violate the Terms of Service.

So, the beloved Ewoks were first introduced in Star Wars Ep. VI: “Return of the Jedi” echoing historical events by having a bunch of man-eating teddy bears armed with sticks, rocks and creepy facial expressions defeat the vastly technologically superior Galactic Empire. This was obviously everyone’s favorite Star Wars movie and its success widely contributed to the little monsters outshining Jedi, scoundrels and bikini clad royalty to save the galaxy from the oppression of the evil Empire. In fact, they were so popular that two stand-alone movies were made with a third installment unfortunately never making it into production.

The first Ewok movie, “The Ewok Adventure” (1984), was a made for TV fantasy movie with the E.T. and Gremlins crossover space muppets finally getting the screen time they deserved. It was about some kids who entered a fantasy world through a wardrobe, met a Lion, a Witch and some **** Ewoks. It petted kittens. Rivaled in suckiness only by the notorious 1978 Holiday Special and Jar-Jar Binks. And it failed at cash grabbing its place in action figure history. However, this did not prevent a sequel from being made. “Ewoks: The Battle for Narnia” was released in 1985 starring more kitten faced fluff bears. Surely to haunt the intended kiddy audience in nightmares for years to come. If anyone had actually watched it, that is.

In Star Wars Galaxy of Heroes the Ewoks haven’t exactly been left in obscurity as they have been Meta for several raid fights and they are now getting an unwanted rework that may see them rise to some level of arena Meta. If even Disney doesn’t like kids enough to reboot this sad part of George Lucas’ legacy, why would you force it upon a fan base of mainly grown-ups who spent their entire life hating it? Why can’t we have more Wookies? We like Wookies. Not kittens or Ewoks.

Can we at least get a mail order of complimentary fluffy Ewok slippers? They will be awesome for wiping the floor for the crowd who prefer to pee standing up. And let’s get a “Ewok hating mega thread” instead of deleting this please. I’m not done! At least let us have that! Kittens or Ewoks!