Ashby - a Sims 4 Fantasy

There is a ton of well organized exposition in this chapter and a cleverly crafted setup for future relationships. Your writing style incorporates emotion into your characters with seamless continuity. No question who the players are and how they feel about each other. There is also an element of peril in this story that is well placed in the dialogue without needing extraneous narrative. I, for one, appreciate this form of narrative for a simlit even though you expressed concern about it not being a pictorial approach. For me the story flows beautifully without the breakup of the images and your writing paints the images of what is happening eloquently and thoroughly leaving no need for pictorial aid. (And you can and I hope will always add pictures for those of us who love the eye candy elsewhere :smiley:)

In spite of being identified as prologue and therefore letting the reader know that all of this has gone before the story that is to follow, the jump from the peaceful(?) opening to the very real danger and flame of the next part of the story was a bit confusing. To wit Duff is alone contemplating Florentia and Aldo who clearly are both strangers to him in the first paragraphs when he falls under some sort of spell from an ancient tome he cannot read. Then suddenly in the next paragraph he's in a burning room and the two strangers he was thinking about when the spell from the book was triggered are present. Then, unexpectedly you learn that now these strangers are well known to him as one is bearing his child and the other is framing his death. Without storyline to bring you from Duff being alone and carried into a spell he clearly had no understanding of to him dying in a burning room with the woman he saw in the market (now heavily pregnant with his child) who he now describes as his "one and only" happens so quickly and changes the mood of the story so dramatically that it leaves me in wonder about when all of the details of what happened in between took place. My first assessment when reading this was that he had fallen under a spell from the book that knocked him out and he then woke up in the room on fire. Obviously, not the case, but when he went unconscious, as a reader, I was anticipating his awakening and finding out what effect the spell had on him. So when the next thing I read is he's now in a burning room - I thought that's what happened to him when he woke up from the book's spell. Perhaps some indication somewhere that the next part of the prologue takes place further in the future but still before current events? (not a fan of unnecessary God Hints in my stories - so I get what you are doing here), but I would be lying if I didn't admit (as a reader) that I was initially a bit confused at this transition. Although clearly I was able to quickly assess my misjudgment - meaning you have successfully conveyed that the two stories are separate events taking place at different times - it's just the transition wasn't what I anticipated as a reader and led me to read it incorrectly at first. I also love the idea that these past stories have the potential to be told in this story as flashbacks. 'Cause I'm curious as all get-go about them! :)

Also Duff's physical whereabouts during the fire and battle sequences are a bit mysterious as Aldo, when addressing Rufus and promising him certain death, refers to Duff's whereabouts as "in there". For me (your reader) this begs the question "in where"? Have Rufus and Aldo moved out of the space where Duff was dying? Or was Duff somewhere else to begin with and of course the other question - was Florentia with Duff as he was dying or was she not "in there"? because my initial impression was that she was at least in visual contact of Duff?

About the story itself - well you know me - 80 billion questions! Which is great because it means as a writer you've hooked your audience. I am curious about Duff and Florentia's meeting and Prosper's conception, but I will have to assume for now that that is either another story (and use my imagination on that one) or that that story will unfold in some sort of expositional series of flashbacks similar to the opening sequence in this chapter.

So for now just a handful of what's got my gears spinning away:
About the Book and Duff:
What's that book Duff had? How did Duff come by it? Will it play a role in Prosper's future? Did Duff ever learn any of it's secrets, and if so what role does that "magic" have in this story - can it save him from death? Is Duff really gone? (Florentia and Rufus clearly thought so, but the narrative suggested.. there might be something else going on?) When Aldo tells Florentia that Duff is dead, Duff thinks "No...Don't let him fool you, Florrie!" - fool her how? fool her into thinking he's dead? then "Red and black spots danced in his vision. It was hopeless", but what was hopeless? his chance of getting that message (that Aldo was fooling her about his death?) to Florentia or his survival? and do the spots indicate the presence of some kind of spell or are they just what he sees behind closed eyes as death overtakes him? And finally who has the book now?

About the Villain:
Where did Aldo run? And will he be showing up again anytime soon? (I'm assuming yes - that's the story - My dumb shining through), but, you know, how long is he gone (Is he in some way compelled to leave Prosper to have a peaceful childhood or do his efforts force Prosper to start running from infancy), have Rufus and Florentia left Aldo scars to avenge over and above Florentia's "disgrace"? Why has it fallen on him to clean up this little mess? All the things you need to know about this villain. :) (alert: I love bad bois and villains) :o

And of course all the questions about where the story goes next which prove you captured the readers interest. Who will raise Prosper (alongside his mother) especially if he is forced to start running right away? - if he is will Rufus and Magnus' family run with them right from the start? When and how will his friendship with Magnus take shape? At what point will Prosper learn the truth of his origin and why he needs or needed to start "running" etc..?

I think any type of separator for the first and second sections of the prologue would work. Like I said, when I write I feel weird about writing things like "two years later" which I am assuming is true of you too. The obvious reason is that in many cases where you use the writer's voice (or voice of God as I like to call it) to deliver info to the reader, it's almost an insult to the reader - like you don't think they're smart enough to figure out whatever you're feeding them with the God voice for themselves, but there are times when this voice works and can even be necessary. In this case where you literally are jumping ahead a number of years and the reader has no other way of knowing that I think it would work just fine. In fact many writer's have to deliver this information directly in cases where they are using flashbacks as an expository device. Some books and stories are actually based on a diary type of delivery where every chapter delivers a time and date.

The concept of the supernatural not being part of the population's normal lifestyle or view of the world is reflected here by Duff's reaction to what he witnessed at the Market as well as in his draw to the book. He may outwardly have denied (even to himself) any association between the book and the supernatural (after all supernatural things aren't real), but clearly inwardly he does make that connection - his thoughts about what he saw at the market immediately trigger him to re-investigate the book. His association of the book with the supernatural is demonstrated in his actions within the story (even while going against his belief system). Writing this dichotomy of thought and behavior into a characters actions without superlative narrative is something many writers have trouble doing, but you've done it nicely here.

What I meant by peaceful (and that was probably not the right word), was not emotionally triggered. His thoughts may have been gnawing at him as evidenced by the fact that his normal distraction from things that are stressful like his woodworking aren't working to distract him, but his overall demeanor is one of a person who is thinking about a way to relieve his stress not reacting to his stress with actions that may be impulsive. There is no immediate danger or frenzied activity in his actions when he begins his examination of the book - although, of course that examination and the events that it triggers are very different. The book's spell triggers the activity I was expecting to see when it was cast on him - which is why I misinterpreted the next paragraph as being something more immediate, but before the spell was triggered nothing Duff was doing was any more alarming than obsessing on something he wasn't sure he saw (or interpreted) correctly and reading a book to help him reach a conclusion about what he had witnessed.

I think you should try your hand at romance. I personally have trouble with dialogue, but what I do is capitalize on some random event within let's say one of my sim's families and ask myself .. what would each of them contribute to a conversation here - then I write it out. I think John would say this and Jane would respond by saying that. So maybe take a couple of your sims and place them in a romantic situation and then try to get in their heads, what would each of them actually say or do in that situation. You have an active imagination and what appears to be a fine grasp of social interactions, so this shouldn't be something beyond your skill set and you may even enjoy it. Forget that the purpose of those two sims woohooing is to produce yet another child and instead focus on the acts leading up to it, the emotion behind it and the act itself in terms of the impact those events would have emotionally on the characters in the long term. Perhaps they are ending a first date and either or both of them are nervous about what may or may not be an appropriate ending. Would they be feeling butterflies in the belly? would it effect what they said to each other? would that character in that time and space have the nerve to initiate an action such as a kiss? How did the date go? If you put your mind into the sim then you can better interpret these thoughts and feelings and understand better what actions would be appropriate for them to take. Once you know what they should be doing - then write it down, learn from them and I have every confidence that you'll master the writing in short order. :)