Hooray for fall break and time to get things done quickly!
Assignment 2:
I’m not sure what I was expecting when I arrived at bootcamp. Chalk it up to me being naive, or optimistic, or just plain unintelligent. No matter what it was keeping me safe however vanished, and my little bubble was popped as soon as I got to the dormitory and saw my fellow students. Everyone was so perfect, so tall, and beautiful, so not like me. I stood in the hallway outside my room, watching everyone arrive. They were all smiling and introducing themselves excitedly to each other. I was just standing there awkwardly, praying someone would at the very least smile in my direction. When it became apparent that no one was interested, I sulked into my room, and closed the door. I laid in the bed, listening to the happy chatter echoing through the halls and out into the night. I didn’t cry…but I wanted to.
Classes began first thing in the morning the next day. I didn’t bother to head down to breakfast, choosing instead to spend the time trying my best to find the courage to even leave my room. At the very last minute I navigated the hall as quickly as I could, being careful not to make eye contact with anyone along the way. Part of me was shaking with fear, and the other part hated me for being afraid of something I had been looking forward to! My mind drifted back to the acceptance letter I received from the Dean. Was she right? Was I to meek for modeling? Could I do this at all? My mind twirled thoughts of failure like a baton, round and round, never really finding a place to rest. I sat as far back as I could get in my first class, and tried to focus. It was a lesson about lighting and shadow use in photography. It might as well have been a lesson about quantum physics taught in Russian. Every time I tried to focus on the words being spoken, my mind would once again drift off into thoughts of inferiority.
My mind snapped back to the present when the most fearsome words ever spoken in a classroom rang in my ears. “I need a volunteer.” I felt the blood draining from my cheeks. I just knew it was going to be me she picked. Teachers always picked me! I felt my body shift from fear, to full on panic. I slumped down in my seat as far as I could, doing my best to hide behind the tall dark and tan girl sitting in front of me.
“Not me, not me, please not me.” I mouthed over and over.
“Kit, why don’t you come up here and help me.” The teacher smiled. It was the first smile that had been directed towards me since I had arrived, and it was terrifying.
I slowly stood up and walked to the front of the room. The teacher had set up a small photo set at the head of the classroom. There was a backdrop, two lighting lamps, and a few props scattered around the area. I was directed to stand in front of the backdrop and ‘pose’ while the teacher adjusted the lighting and spoke to the class about the importance of a well-lit model. I was standing awkwardly in front of the class, not knowing what to do when the brightest light in the history of bright lights hit my eyes inflicting searing pain. I stumbled backwards blindly trying to escape the blast, tripping over one of the cables on the floor, and taking out the backdrop on my way to the ground. I heard the offending light hit the ground with a crash right after me, illuminating my humiliation for the entire classroom to see.
The entire room broke out in to a roaring laughter. I looked out towards the noise; their faces were hidden behind the lamplight. Their voices began to ring in my ears, getting slower and meaner, till eventually it wasn’t even laughter I was hearing but a cruel growling noise. My eyes darted towards the classroom door. I never wanted anything in my life more than I wanted to be on the other side of that door. If I ran right then I could be on a bus home within an hour. I could be safe in my house, with my mom’s homemade soup and a hug. She would make me feel better. She would tell me that I was too good for that place anyways! Of course she would say that….but she would be wrong.
There are times in our lives when we have no choice but to choose. We have to decide what it is we really want, and if it’s worth everything it will take to get there. I don’t know everything that happened in the minutes that followed, and I’m not sure where my courage came from. The next thing I remembered however was standing up in the middle of all that chaos, and exclaiming “and that is why proper lighting is so important!” I heard the class laughing again, but this time it didn’t sound nearly as frightening as it had before. I glanced over at the teacher, and she was shaking her head and smiling. She tipped her head towards my seat, and I hurriedly followed her direction. As I sat down I couldn’t help but smile a little. That moment had been quite possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life, and I made it through! My heart was filled with a new found confidence. “I can do this!” I said to myself. “I know I can.”
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