Love Letter to SWGOH

Disclaimer: The following is intended to be a parody. I got an idea stuck in my head and I had to write it down to get it out. I hope you find it entertaining. If not, you can send your criticisms and snide comments to <address not found>

 

 

 

Here we go again....

 

I was really looking forward to our trip to Conquest Beach on Monday. I had my Jedi Master Luke swimtrunks and CLS Rebel sunhat packed and ready to go. But then I looked at the trip itinerary you put together and it's like you don't even want me to come! Island hopping on a Morgan Elsbeth speedboat and Death Trooper Peridea jet skis? I can't afford that! I got you a Dark Trooper Moff Gideon sailboard last month and it's already sitting in the corner gathering dust.

 

And it's not like this is the first time. I had to spend months working double shifts to get a Leia Organa sportscar. It wasn't the first car off the line, but it was reasonably new. We drove it a few times to Speeder Bike nightclub and that was fun for a while. But now we never go to Speeder Bike anymore. Instead you want to go to the new Naboo nightclub. I won't mind so much, but you spend all night in the VIP lounge while I'm waiting at the bar in a line 40 people deep to get a T2-01 box drink. It's barely strong enough to give me a small buzz.

 

While you're partying upstairs with the whales, I'm sitting around with the other castoffs. We reminisce about the good old days when we soloed the Sith raid and battled every day to get top 10 in Squad Arena. It felt like we mattered back then. We also tell ourselves that it will get better if we can get a Jar Jar diamond necklace. But who are we kidding? I can already see you eyeing the new GL Ahsoka SUV and I just can't keep up.

 

My friends warned me when we first got together. “She's a 5-star game and you're a 2-star player. She's way out of your league!” Of course, you're a Star Wars Game! You rub elbows with bigwigs like Natalie Portman and George Lucas. You even have your own dedicated paparazzi in Ahnald and Calvin Awesome. I admit that life was simpler with Flappy Bird. But I thought if I worked hard enough with you, you would see my value.

 

It's been six years now and I'm close to a breaking point. Always being on the hook doesn't feel good and I need to stand up for myself. I can't change who you are, you greedy, money-grubbing vampire. I can only change how I value myself. So here comes the brand new me! Well, let me I finish this Bo-Katan farm first...

 

Forever your faceless stormtrooper,

Efftopee