Magicomedies

"What am I going to do?" Ikkanu groaned as he wandered along the beach of Mua Pel'am. He looked up and realised in his worrying, he'd wandered quite a distance from home. Just past the waterfall he could see the tip of Samphy and Kio's lighthouse. That's it! Ikkanu thought. Samphy's smart, she'll know what to do. He jumped into the shallows, transformed into his mer-form and sped across the shoreline to the coast of his friends' home.

He found Samphy on the beach, crashlanding on the sand from a broom flight (which she did often). "Agh, need to adjust the thrusters some more," she grumbled as Ikkanu surfaced. She picked up her rocket broom and saw Ikkanu wading towards her. "Ikkanu, hello!"
"Samphy, sorry to bother you but I really need your help with something," Ikkanu rushed towards her. "Um, do you know anything about dating?"
"Dating?" Samphy stared at him as if he'd just asked her about the biology of interstellar lifeforms. "Why would I know about dating? I'm not into romance, you know that."
"I know, but, I mean... I have a spectre who won't leave my island without a date for the Annual Spectres Ball," words tumbled out of Ikkanu's mouth at speed, "and I promised I'd find one, but I don't know the first thing about how to make two spectres attracted to each other, but if I don't sort this out the spectre's going to cause chaos, I just know it." Ikkanu breathed. "Please help me, Samphy."
Samphy thought to herself. "Hmm, well, attraction usually functions on how compatible the two sides are. What's this spectre like?"
"Making faces out of rotting trash and staring into space," said Ikkanu. "And seeking someone who likes to, um, get weird. I don't really know what that means."
"O...kay..." said Samphy. "Well, as it so happens, I have loads of leftover Potion of Transcendent Charmer." She rummaged in her pockets (which were charmed with magic so they could store much more on the inside than they looked) and pulled out a bottle. A strange haze fizzed from the top that smelled a bit like candyfloss. "This stuff's strong enough to make a turkey fall for Christmas dinner."https://i.imgur.com/XFvcsR0.png
Ikkanu peered at the liquid inside. "Um, that's great, but... I don't know if I want to force the attraction." He thought back to how the spectre was dumped and felt a little sad. "I don't want to hurt its feelings again."
"Well, take it anyway, you'd be doing me a favour," said Samphy. She pulled out more bottles from her infinite pockets. "I've got love potions coming out of my ears today. They're really weighing me down."
"Why have you got so many?" said Ikkanu.
"It's Valentine's day," said Samphy, drily. "You wouldn't believe how many requests I get for these." She sighed. "Though most of the requesters usually feel guilty about it and cancel the order at the last minute. It's annoying, but I get paid a non-refundable mixing fee so I can't complain too much." She put away the potions and examined her broom. "You ought to ask Kio. He reads romance novels so he'd be better at this sort of thing."

Ikkanu found Kio in the kitchen. Gorgeous foody aromas filled Ikkanu's nostrils. https://i.imgur.com/wZXLSCm.png
"Hi Ikkanu," Kio beamed at his friend, zipped across the kitchen to adjust a pan, then zipped back over to his mixing. "You came at a good time. I'm experimenting with a new cake recipe. Do you want some?"
Ikkanu's mouth watered. Kio's food was always so delicious. But no, there were more important matters at hand. "Um, Samphy tells me you know a bit about dating?"
Kio stopped moving at super speed and gasped with delight. "You've decided to ask Paka'a out!" he cried. "That's wonderful news."
"WHAT?! No, no, no, no, no, no. I have no idea why you'd even suggest that, Kio," Ikkanu felt his face go bright pink. His fingers involuntarily fidgeted. "I-I mean, they are a very nice person with a very nice singing voice, and nice hair, and amazing guitar skills but, uh, no. It's to help someone else." He told Kio the whole story.
"Oh wow," said Kio, thinking. "Gee, um, I'm not sure I'm really the best person to give advice on this. I've only ever had one relationship and she left me for another vampire so..." He scratched his chin, then excused himself to finish off the recipe, which he did in seconds. "I did watch this one thing in a romantic comedy once," he said when he'd finished, "where they posted a picture about the person on something called... a dating agency, I think? And then other people replied with their own pictures. Oh and they put facts up about themselves too. Then they found people who matched them."
Ikkanu hadn't the heart to tell his friend that he already knew about dating agencies and had almost tried one for merfolk once but had been too shy and embarrassed to place an advert.
"Is there a dating site for ghosts?" asked Kio.
Ikkanu pondered. "No, most of them tend to be into free love. So do the spectres." (He'd found this out one night when he was called out to exorcise a spectre infestation in a hotel and was so mortified by what he walked in on that he had to feign illness to the client and run). An idea sparked. "But when I connect to the Spirit Realm, sometimes it sends me visions. Maybe I could send a vision the other way. Does Samphy know a spell for that?"

As it turned out, she did. It took a lot of tinkering but Samphy managed to make a few upgrades to Ikkanu's séance table so he could have visual communication both ways with the Spirit Realm. Both sides could now even post messages on a spectral noticeboard which projected in the Spirit Realm's capital. "I call it Phantomail," said Samphy, proudly. (She had wanted to call it G-mail but found there was a copyright issue).
"Okay," said Ikkanu, sitting down. "Let's give this a go." https://i.imgur.com/Kxb6pQS.pngHe concentrated and summoned the connection between the living and dead. Then he recited the words Samphy had given him to access the Phantomail portal. Once he arrived there, in astral projection form, Ikkanu posted an advert on the noticeboard:

Interesting spectre seeking a date for the Annual Spectres Ball this Friday. The weirder the better. Fans of the Surrealist art movement preferable. Please send replies ASAP via the astral plain to Ikkanu Happati, The Shipwreck, Mua Pel'am, Sulani, The Living Realm.
Ikkanu hoped this advert wasn't too formal. The effort it took to perform this message drained him so much he fell asleep in the bath that evening. https://i.imgur.com/buBLD3D.png?1

Ikkanu woke the next morning, was rather embarrassed to find he was still in the bath and got dressed. Immediately, he rushed down to his séance chamber to check for messages. There were three results:
"I answered this ad because I got bored and have nothing better to do. I don't care if you reply or not."
https://i.imgur.com/fKp0dNZ.png
Hmm, too apathetic, thought Ikkanu. Next.

"Hi! I like dates. I like all kinds of things. I love sunshine and sugar candy and rainbows and unicorns and pony rides and sugar candy and bouncing up and down and rollercoasters and sugar candy and eating lots of sugar candy whilst riding a rollercoaster! In fact sometimes I just like to imagine I'm on a rollercoaster wherever I am. Weeeeeeeee!"
https://i.imgur.com/WaDCsFL.png
Too perky, thought Ikkanu. Though that one would get on well Kio. Next.

"I shout a lot and pick fights. Don't expect me to apologise for my actions."
https://i.imgur.com/Z4Yg4f9.png?1
"Oh no," said Ikkanu. "Too confrontational."
He put his head in his hands. This was all? He sighed. Maybe the next two days would bring better candidates.

Ikkanu climbed out of the chamber and discovered a creepy doll staring at him.
"I put one in every room of your house," echoed the voice of the yellow spectre. "Hope you like them."
https://i.imgur.com/df23am6.png?1
Ikkanu did not.

Over the next two days, things got worse.
https://i.imgur.com/n9D5DAF.png

And worse.
"Ugh! Ewww! Again? How are you producing this much? I've never seen you drink or eat anything!"
https://i.imgur.com/BI5mUnh.png

Ikkanu kept checking for replies to the advert, but no other spectres got in touch.

Friday came. Exhausted from the constant mopping of ectoplasm and slightly sick from the near-constant smell of farty spectre sprinkles in the air, Ikkanu had taken to sleeping outside in his garden, which was hardly better as he could still hear the spectre's loud crying. It kept leaving his fridge open and complaining that he didn't have any ice cream. When told that it didn't eat, the spectre replied "I still like to look at ice cream and appreciate its form," then dived into the sink and flooded the kitchen. Yesterday it had spent all day and night listening to the radio and singing along every time a song about relationship break-ups came on. Ikkanu wouldn't have minded so much if the spectre's singing voice didn't sound like a drunken cat trying to perform in a Death Metal band.
Ikkanu was so tired that when he did wake up, he was horrified to discover that it was already evening. The Spectres Ball was at midnight and he still hadn't found a date for the yellow spectre. He was supposed to help lost souls move on but he'd let this one down. The little spectre would be so disappointed, and would probably stay forever. Ikkanu looked at his shipwreck, which was now coated in a copious amount of ectoplasm (apparently the spectre had developed an allergy to merfolk). He dropped on his towel again and planted his face in the soft material.
How am I going to tell the spectre? It'll be so upset. It's all my fault. What will it do to me?

He jumped at the sound of his phone going off in his pocket. Ikkanu groaned and sat up. It was an urgent call. Someone in Evergreen Harbour needed a paranormal to get rid of an angry spectre and fast. Ikkanu gulped. Angry spirits could get very destructive if not dealt with quickly. From another pocket, he pulled out the glimmerstone Samphy had given him for quick teleportations (for which he was extremely grateful for. Public transport always made him throw up) and told it where he wanted to go.

He arrived at the apartment block to find an angry spectre patrolling the courtyard, sending a blast of fire to anyone who tried to get near. Fortunately for Ikkanu, possessing the nature magic of island mana gave him the ability to be fireproof. He made his way cautiously towards it.
"What the-?" spluttered the spectre as it tried to set fire to Ikkanu for the third time. "Why won't you burn like the others?"
Ikkanu didn't have the energy to explain his entire backstory, so put his hands up in a sign of peace. "I... m-mean you no harm," he said, trying not to sound too squeaky. He couldn't be harmed by fire but neither was he very good at controlling large amounts of it yet and if the spectre decided to set fire to the whole building... "What has made you so angry? Is there anything I can help you with?"
The spectre told him, in extremely rude words, to go away. https://i.imgur.com/qdw7I8F.png Ikkanu quietly and quickly drew a séance circle drawn on the ground. But as he was about to recite the incantation, the spectre blew a fireball at the circle, destroying it. "Don't even think about it!" it said. "That minimalist chalk circle is even worse than the tastes of these residents! Have you seen the insides of these apartments?" The spectre gestured to the flats behind.
Ikkanu shook his head, not quite believing what he was hearing.
"I mean, the ridiculous tat these people display on their walls and call 'art'. How could they choose those crudely painted still lifes when the decor of their homes is clearly designed to be paired with more abstract and figurative forms?! It makes me so mad!" The spectre grew so angry that it split itself into two bodies. They floated up to the balcony. "I'll teach you not to appreciate fine art!" its voice echoed. Both forms glowed menacingly.
A thought stuck Ikkanu. "Wait!" he cried, running up to the spectres. He rummaged in his belt bag. Yes, he still had an extra copy of the photo he'd placed on the noticeboard in the Spirit Realm. "Before... you burn down this building... c-could I just ask... one thing please?"
The spectre glared at him. "All right, but it had better be worth my time," both its voices said.
"Uh... well," Ikkanu fingered the shaman stone around his neck to calm his nerves. If this backfired, the whole apartment would be toast. Then he'd have angry humans to deal with too, and this scared him more than the spectres did. He took a deep breath. "I was wondering what your opinion was regarding S-S-Surrealism?"
The spectre paused. "Now you're talking," it said with a smile. https://i.imgur.com/DflVa5k.png
"Surrealism happens to be my favourite art movement. In fact I once entered a Surrealist art competition with a collage made out of bits from a bin. It was meant to portray the wasteful thoughts of the inner mind on the outside you see but the judges didn't get it. They just thought it was a few faces made out of rotten trash."
Ikkanu 's heart leapt. He couldn't be that lucky, surely? He never usually was. "Really? That's so interesting," he said. "Um, I don't suppose you also enjoy... staring into space?"
"Why yes," said the spectre, "as a matter of fact I do. I find it quite therapeutic. Why are you asking me all this?"
Ikkanu let out a squeak of excitement. "Then, in that case," he said, fumbling in his belt bag (which had been charmed by Samphy with the same magic as her pockets) "there is someone you might like to meet."
https://i.imgur.com/XnW9vcQ.png He opened the box and showed the spectre the picture inside.

https://i.imgur.com/NIgrsDs.png
Ikkanu had no idea what the spectre was thinking, or who was playing that romantic music in the background.
"Wow," said the spectre, its forms merging into one again. "Wow. Is this a friend of yours?"
"Um, sort of, yes," said Ikkanu, "and looking for a date for the Spectres Ball, in fact."
"Really?" the spectre's red glow changed to green. "Could you hook us up?"
Ikkanu smiled for the first time that day. "I think that could be arranged, yes."

Back at Mua Pel'am, both spectres hit it off well. They left for the ball straight away and Ikkanu was, at last, left in peace.
Kio happened to be out on a midnight stroll and helped Ikkanu clean his home. Then they cooked a celebratory midnight dinner. https://i.imgur.com/DObKbx4.png
"That was a tough week," sighed Ikkanu as he chopped. "I've never had to make spectres fall in love before."
"Yeah," said Kio. "It's so cool how they met though." He mixed in more ingredients. "I mean, I thought if all else failed you could just use your song powers to charm them towards each other, but asking around at an exorcism was a neat idea too."
Ikkanu paused and slowly stared round at Kio. The vampire looked puzzled. "You... didn't think of singing?"
Ikkanu grinned far too widely. "Would you excuse me a moment?" he said. He rushed out of the kitchen, up the stairs, down the beach to the sea and plunged his head into the water.

Back in the kitchen, Kio thought he heard a strange sound, almost like someone screaming underwater, but maybe it was just the wind.