Thanks for the feedback guys. Maybe it's not past and present tense mixing. Below is another example of what I'm trying to do.
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Today, I had an awesome day at work, and now I'm just having some good ole fun with my best friend, Ashley. We're just hanging out and catching up on old times. I remember the good ole days of partying and all that good ole fun.
"Do you remember that time when we went to that concert in Montreal?" I asked Ashley.
"Yes, I do!" Ashley replied. "I remember you getting up on the stage and singing with the band!"
I laughed. "Yeah, I remember that too!"
Me and Ashley sure had a lot of fun back in the day. We still do, but yeah, those where the days!
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The story also involves adventure and time travel. Below is example of the adventure side:
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Me and Ashly made our way down the valley, and we stumbled upon something. There's a city in the distance.
"Look over there," I said to Ashley. "It's a city."
"I wonder if that's Montreal," Ashley replied.
"It might be," I responded. "Maybe we should go check it out."
I wonder if that city really is our home in this future world. It is quite possible, but it might be too dangerous to go and find out.
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Does mixing it like this work?
To me, it reads like a diary, which is very cool. What I get from it is the narrator describing their thoughts and feelings and reflecting on a conversation with Ashley that happened in the past. I don't read it as that conversation with Ashley is happening at the same time as the narrator is addressing the audience. That makes the sentence - We're just hanging out and catching up on old times. - not quite work for me because that seems to say the conversation is happening Now but everything else I read says the conversation is being remembered.
Thank you for the feedback, luciusstorm. Would it be best to change "said, replied, etc" to "say, reply, etc?" or would it be better to just get rid of the dialogue and say it as I said she said kind of thing. For example:
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Today, I had an awesome day at work, and now I'm just having some good ole fun with my best friend, Ashley. We're just hanging out and catching up on old times. Me and Ashley have a lot of memories together. We were talking about the time when we went to the concert in Montreal. She reminded me that I went on stage and sang with the band. I told her that I remember that. She laughed and said that we had a lot fun that day.
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Well, that's interesting. In your new suggestion, I definitely get that the conversation with Ashley took place in the past and is being recounted by the narrator.
We were talking....
She reminded me...
I told her...
That whole interaction occurred in the past.
However, this earlier part happening in the present.
now I'm just having some good ole fun with my best friend, Ashley.
We're [we are] just hanging out...
Again, we've got that break where the conversation is happening in the past, yet part of the interaction seems to be happening in the present. For it all to happen in the present, I think you want to say is this (changes in bold)...
Today, I had an awesome day at work, and now I'm just having some good ole fun with my best friend, Ashley. We're just hanging out and catching up on old times. Me and Ashley have a lot of memories together. We're talking about the time when we went to the concert in Montreal. She reminds me that I went on stage and sang with the band. I tell her that I remember that. She laughs and says that we had a lot fun that day.
If you are going this route, I personally would use dialogue instead. I just feel like it brings the story alive, especially if we, the audience, are witnessing it in the present moment. Something like this...
Today, I had an awesome day at work, and now I'm just having some good ole fun with my best friend, Ashley. We're just hanging out and catching up on old times. Me and Ashley have a lot of memories together. We're talking about the time when we went to the concert in Montreal.
"Remember that time you went on stage and sang with the band?" Ashley asks.
"Yeah, I remember," I say.
"We had a lot of fun that day," she laughs.
Thank you for the example. Another scenario I might make is for example:
Me and Ashley are just hanging out and talking right now. We talked about some of the things we did in the past.
Then I would put the past tense dialogue here, and then continue talking as if I am in the present.
So yeah, we're just having a good time. Pretty soon, we're gonna even head down to the Blue Velvet.
