This is such a beautiful thread. I truly believe that given the chance people want to help in any way they can. I think we all gain experience through life and if we can share that experience and it can help someone else then the world is a better place.
Depression is an invisible illness that I've experienced and if in telling my story can help anyone I'm happy to.
I was diagnosed with post natal depression after my second child was born nearly 19 years ago. Unfortunately it became severe to the point I tried to end my life. I'd had a good day and had met some friends for a coffee then suddenly it felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world. I had to get a train home and on the journey I decided that the only way out was taking my life, my husband and two young children would be better off without me. The station I get off at is at the end of the line, so I stood under the bridge waiting for the train to start up again convinced I was doing the right thing. Luckily a man out walking his dog saw me and simply said "I don't think you really want to do that, you should go home." Well it did break that moment for me, and I went home, I think I cried for days, and these feelings are still so clear to me 18 years on from then, and thankfully I've never gone back there.
I went back to my doctor who referred me to a psychiatrist and that was the best thing that could have happened. He diagnosed event related bi-polar disorder and put me on the right meds for it, it was only then I was able to recognise the cycles that my moods were going through, from depressed to manically happy to absolute rage. This is where the control freak in me came into her own, I analysed every thought I had it felt like my brain and my emotions had got divorced and I had to find a way to get them back together. My psychiatrist asked what I was interested in, I'd always been interested in Egyptology, and to be honest when he suggested I enrol in a part time university course I thought he'd lost his mind, but I did. It did take two people to push me through the door of the class on the first day but I was glad they did. It gave me something to concentrate my mind on and forced me to get out of the house. I passed that course and ended up studying Egyptology, Classics and Anthropology. This didn't cure depression but it did help. Sometimes it was hard to get up and go, and get assignments in on time and there were times when the paranoia would kick in and I was sure that no one wanted me in the class, and there was one time when I had a full blown panic attack on the way to class, and was stuck on the underground (subway) going round in circles for what felt like hours. I'd got it into my head that if I stood up to get off I'd fall flat on my face and get caught in the doors. Eventually I grabbed hold of the coat of a poor man getting off at the stop I wanted and kind of let him pull me out the train. I can laugh about it now although I'm not sure that man would.
I found that no matter what the cause of my depression was it raised things that I hadn't even considered as issues. Things from childhood and onwards, things I didn't even realise I was angry about. I think that's one of the most insidious things about depression it can trap us in our past because the reason for our anger isn't always still around to confront. I found writing it down in a letter or a list whatever seemed most appropriate helped. I'd call it my s.o.d it letter, because sometime we just have to get it out there and let it go, but I think it's important to acknowledge the feeling.
I took a good few years but I did get to the stage where I was medication free. I began to recognise reasons when I'd feel down, and knew when I was feeling paranoid that I just had to push through it, and the panic attacks were gone.
For me the last stage of it was realising that depression had changed the way I thought and processed these thoughts. I was lucky there was a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist locally and this helped me so much. I learned to say I can instead of I can't, and move forward with life.
I hope you don't mind me posting this. If anyone going through this illness now can find any help in it then I'm glad, and if anyone feels they want to talk or vent about how they are feeling feel free to PM me. I promise I'm not usually so long winded.
