4th of July 2015 ***WALKTHROUGH***

Gil Offer
Gil: Ol' Gil has returned to Springfield with something both amazing and physics-defying.
Gil: With the power of my non-patented snake oiled time machine, I give you everyone's... eh... "favorite" Commander-In-Chief!
Richard Nixon: ...shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President-
Richard Nixon: WHAT THE -- WHAT IS THIS PLACE? WHERE DID THE OVAL OFFICE GO? AND WHY IS EVERYONE GLARING AND HISSING AT D_ICK NIXON?
Lisa: It must be that time of year again. Another ex-President has somehow appeared in Springfield.
Lisa: President Nixon, welcome to the year 2015. It's an honor to... that is to say, it's nice to... er, it's actually not that great to meet you.
Richard Nixon: WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? TELL ME, AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT -- IS NIXON REMEMBERED AS AMERICA'S MOST ABHORRENT POLITICAL SCOUNDREL?
Lisa: Well, uh... kinda.
Richard Nixon: AND ALL BLAME FOR THE SCANDAL THAT ENDED MY PRESIDENCY RESTS ON D_ICK NIXON'S SHOULDERS?
Lisa: Pretty much.
Richard Nixon: Then the plan worked. And America is safe. Thank God Almighty for that.
Lisa: Wait... plan? What plan?
Richard Nixon: D_ICK NIXON HAS SAID TOO MUCH! D_ICK NIXON WILL SAY NO MORE!
Gil: What plan is former President Nixon referring to? What's the real story behind America's worst political scandal?
Gil: And what do George Washington and Abraham Lincoln think of our most reviled President? Build the Scandal-gate Hotel to find out!

If the user denies:
Gil: What kind of a patriot doesn’t purchase Richard Nixon on the Fourth of July? He’s America’s forty-fourth most beloved President!
Gil: To be honest, I get it. I really do. I tried to get ANYONE but Nixon. Called up Jefferson, Grant, both Roosevelts....
Gil: But their royalty fees are too high. It’s hard to get the prestigious ones. They're not as desperate.
Gil: I did manage to sell six Nixons, at least. I hope ol’ Gil can live off that income for an entire year....

If the user accepts:
Richard Nixon: The Scandal-gate Hotel. What a groovy old crib. Make sure to order the Continental breakfast. It's far out.
Lisa: Gee, I wouldn't expect you to remember this place so fondly, Mr. President.
Richard Nixon: * Nixon tries not to live in the past. The great karmic wheel turns ever onward, carrying us where it will. Just sit back and dig the ride, little sister.
Lisa: "Dig the ride?" Are you, like, doing a character right now?
Richard Nixon: This is the real Nixon, baby. The "character" was the stuffed-shirt phony you knew as your President. That was all an act to keep "The Man" off * Nixon's back.
Lisa: So this is how you actually talk? It's seriously not a joke?
Richard Nixon: Now that I'm out of the political game, I can finally let my freak flag fly. Right on. Right. On.
Lisa: It's actually pretty annoying. If you don't mind my saying so.
Richard Nixon: Hey, you gotta speak your truth. Now let's go get some beers.
Lisa: I'm an eight-year-old girl!
Richard Nixon: Nixon got a Presidential pardon. That means Nixon and all his good buddies can do whatever they want.
Lisa: That's not how that works.
Richard Nixon: Whatever. Politics are dumb. I'm Audi 5000.

---

Scandal-gate Pt. 1

Richard Nixon starts

Kent Brockman: This just in! Last night, a break-in occurred at the historic Scandal-gate Hotel.
Kent Brockman: The thieves raided the headquarters of the Springfield Botanical Society, making off with $9.78 in petty cash and some packets of seeds.
Kent Brockman: Several of the seed packets were for petunias. I don't know why that detail is considered relevant by the half-wits who wrote this copy for me to read off the teleprompter.
Richard Nixon: A break-in at the Scandal-gate? It's happening again...
Wiggum: I'll get my best man on it. My best man is not very good, unfortunately. He's terrible. But he's a slightly better man than my other men, who are all shockingly bad men.

Task: Make Richard Nixon Turn Himself In
Time: 4h
If the user has Police Station: Location: Police Station
If the user doesn't have Police Station: Location: Scandal-gate Hotel

On job start:

Richard Nixon: Look no further, copper! Nixon is your man. Nixon is behind this heinous crime.
Wiggum: Isn't that impossible? You just beamed into town like five minutes ago.
Richard Nixon: Nixon did it, and now he's orchestrating a vast cover-up to hide his involvement. This thing goes all the way to the top.
Lisa: Mr. President, why are you trying to take the blame for something you obviously didn't do?
Richard Nixon: Nixon obviously did so do it. Nixon's behind this despicable political attack. Arrest Nixon.

On job end:

Lisa: What political reason could there be for you to target a group of elderly gardening enthusiasts?
Richard Nixon: Follow the money.
Lisa: Nine dollars and seventy-eight cents? THAT money?
Richard Nixon: I know! Nixon must be a lunatic. But he definitely did it. Just like in 1972.

Scandal-gate Pt. 2

Richard Nixon starts

Lisa: Mr. President, now that we're alone, please tell me why you're taking the fall for the break-in at the Scandal-gate?
Richard Nixon: I have to. Just like I had to in 1972. To protect the American people.
Lisa: But you WERE behind that break-in! Everybody knows that. There were YEARS of investigations, THOUSANDS of articles...
Richard Nixon: All lies, planted by the jive turkeys who were really behind it. They were running scared. Because Nixon and his friends had cracked the case.
Richard Nixon: * Nixon, you see, is a master detective. Nixon makes Sherlock Holmes look like a blithering idiot. And Nixon filled his White House with fellow super-sleuths.
Richard Nixon: Ehrlichman, John Dean, Haldeman and Nixon called ourselves “The Mystery Solvers Club.” We had closed hundreds of cases the fuzz deemed “unsolvable.”
Richard Nixon: At night, we prowled the streets of D.C., magnifying glasses in hand, collecting clues.
Richard Nixon: But when, in 1972, we realized the truth behind the break-in, we decided it was too big, too terrible to ever get out.
Richard Nixon: The American people need to believe in their government. But they also need the bad guys to get caught. So we let ourselves BECOME the bad guys.
Richard Nixon: It's like in “The Dark Knight” when Batman lets himself be framed for the murder of Harvey Dent. Nixon is pretty sure that's based on Nixon, by the way.
Lisa: I've never seen it.
Richard Nixon: Never seen “The Dark Knight?” How is that even possible? It's like my seventh-favorite movie EVER. Come on. We're watching it right now.

Task: Make Richard Nixon Watch "The Dark Knight"
Task: Make Lisa Watch "The Dark Knight"
Time: 6h
Location: Simpson Home

Scandal-gate Pt. 3

Richard Nixon starts

Richard Nixon: NOW do you see, Lisa? NOW do you dig how * Nixon is maybe an even better Batman than Christian Bale?
Lisa: Not really. What WAS this horrible truth you were trying to keep from the American people?
Richard Nixon: In Washington, nothing is as it seems. What you think you know, you don't. And what you definitely don't know, you do.
Richard Nixon: Tell me -- who are the LAST two people you would ever expect to be the masterminds of the break-in?
Lisa: Geez, I don't know... Probably Woodward and Bernstein?
Richard Nixon: BINGO.

Task: Make Richard Nixon Blow Everyone's Minds
Task: Make Lisa Get her Mind Blown
Time: 1h
Location: Scandal-gate Hotel

Scandal-gate Pt. 4

Lisa starts

Lisa: Woodward and Bernstein were crusading, intrepid reporters who re-established the rule of law in Washington!
Richard Nixon: They were conservative operatives posing as reporters, at a hardline neo-Fascist think tank posing as The Washington Post.
Richard Nixon: It says so on the masthead: “The Washington Post is a front for a hardline neo-Fascist think tank.” Why doesn't anyone ever read the masthead?
Lisa: Well, it's kind of small print. I assumed it wasn't that important...
Richard Nixon: Anyway, those reactionaries had to do SOMETHING to stop me. They knew about my second-term agenda.
Lisa: Which was?
Richard Nixon: Please understand that Nixon's biography is a lie. Nixon grew up on an anarchist Marxist Buddhist hippie commune on the upper slopes of Mount Everest.
Lisa: Where the air is far too thin to breathe...
Richard Nixon: Shut up.
Lisa: You're insane.
Richard Nixon: NIXON WAS LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, AND NIXON SAYS SHUT UP.

Task: Make Lisa Sulk
Time: 45s
Location: Simpson Home

Scandal-gate Pt. 5

Richard Nixon starts

Richard Nixon: Anyway, Nixon spent decades deep undercover as a Republican. All to set up my glorious second term. I called it: “The Love Agenda.”
Richard Nixon: We were gonna press the “reset” button on America. No more military, no more money. No more “rich” and “poor.”
Richard Nixon: No more “police.” No more “fire department” or “hospitals.” Just people, you know? Hanging out, digging on good music and positive vibes.
Lisa: That's a great system. Very well thought out.
Richard Nixon: Then Woodward and Bernstein caught wind of it, and eighty-sixed the whole beautiful vision.
Richard Nixon: But we'll get there. People are too damn groovy not to get there.
Lisa: I really hope you're wrong about that.
Richard Nixon: In fact, I'm gonna go soak up some love right now. Later, square.
Lisa: So long, Another Intensely Disappointing Ex-President.

Task: Make Richard Nixon Wave to the People
Time: 12h

System Message: Unlock Washington and Lincoln to see what our greatest Presidents think of our least-great President!

Narcissism 101
Requires: Quimby

Quimby starts

Quimby: Mr. Nixon, sir? As a career politician with a deep commitment to serving the needs of myself, I am honored to meet you.
Richard Nixon: The pleasure is all Nixon's, Nixon's main man.
Quimby: I was wondering -- as a relative novice in the ways of political wrongdoing, might I pick your brain for a bit? With all humility, of course...
Richard Nixon: Nixon apologizes if this seems indiscreet, but, what is this “I” word you use to indicate you are discussing yourself?
Quimby: Er ah... the first person singular. Indicating the speaker is referring to him- or herself.
Richard Nixon: * Nixon is not familiar with this particular turn of phrase. * Nixon feels that it connotes weakness in the speaker.
Quimby: But isn't it -- forgive me, oh Vile Sachem -- kind of mandatory? An inescapable convention of -- by your pardon, oh Satanic Sage -- the English language?
Richard Nixon: Well, * Nixon doesn't claim that Richard M. Nixon has a scholar's grasp of grammatical rules.
Richard Nixon: But it seems to Richard Milhouse Nixon that--
Milhouse: Hey! My name is Milhouse!
Richard Nixon: Go away, blue child.
Richard Nixon: --anyway, it seems to Nixon that a great leader should always separate himself from the rules of grammar, or, it seems, all reasonable behavior.
Quimby: I will learn... er, that is, Quimby will learn this moronic lesson well.

Task: Make Quimby Practice Speaking in the Third Person
Time: 6h
Location: Town Hall

---

Who Led Them Better
Requires: Richard Nixon, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln

Richard Nixon starts

Richard Nixon: What it is, Abe?
Abraham Lincoln: Richard Nixon! What in the blazes are you doing here?
Richard Nixon: Got sucked into a time vortex or something. Same as you.
George Washington: Is that * Nixon?
Abraham Lincoln: Indeed.
George Washington: I hate that dude.
Abraham Lincoln: He's not the best.
Richard Nixon: Whoa, daddy-os! We're all ex-Presidents here. Why the cold shoulder?
George Washington: Gee, I don't know... maybe because you very nearly destroyed the government I worked so hard to build?
Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, the same government I gave my LIFE for.
George Washington: ...
Abraham Lincoln: What?
George Washington: It's just... we know, okay? We know you got assassinated.
Abraham Lincoln: Well, I did.
George Washington: You just don't have to mention it in like every conversation, is all.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I'm sorry if my taking a bullet to the head is so unpleasant for you. I can assure you, it was far worse from where I was sitting.
George Washington: Look. It's not a competition: “Who was a better President, Abe or George?” You've got nothing to prove. So relax.
Abraham Lincoln: I didn't realize that my sacrifice -- THE GREATEST SACRIFICE A MAN CAN MAKE, BY THE WAY -- was something I should be ashamed of. So sorry.
George Washington: Whatever. Drop it.
Richard Nixon: Whoa! Getting a little icy in here, boys. Whaddya say we take it down a notch, and all kick back with our favorite pastimes?

Task: Make George Washington Try to Cut Down a Cherry Tree
Time: 12h
Location: Ye Olde Cherry Tree
Task: Make Abraham Lincoln Split Rails
Time: 8h
Location: Lincoln's Cabin
Task: Make Richard Nixon Bowl Around Town
Time: 4h

Abraham Lincoln: George, we can argue for eternity about which of us was the greatest, but at least we agree on one thing.
George Washington: Nixon was the worst.
Richard Nixon: Come on, it wasn't all bad! I opened up China to the West. That was HUGE.
George Washington: That's your thing, isn't it? Like how Lincoln always mentions he got shot. You're all: “sure, I disgraced the office, but remember China! What about China?”
Abraham Lincoln: He does bring it up a lot.
George Washington: So pathetic.
Abraham Lincoln: But seriously, George, for the record -- I DID get shot.
George Washington: Just stop.

---

One Last Presidential Prank

Homer starts

Homer: Be back in five minutes, Marge. Bart and I are gonna egg the Presidential Estate.
Marge: That doesn't seem very patriotic of you. I thought you admired the President?
Homer: I did! For his first six months in office. Then, like all Americans, I realized that he's the problem with everything.
Homer: And on and on the cycle goes.
Homer: Anyway, it's free speech or something. You do want our son to learn about free speech, don't you?
Marge: I guess. Just don't use the organic eggs. They're expensive.

Task: Make Homer Egg the Presidential Estate
If the user has Bart: Task: Make Bart Egg the Presidential Estate
Time: 3h
Location: Presidential Estate