Magicomedies Vol. 2

Diary of a Magical Mischief Maker (Narrated by Norrell Quest)

Intro: For those of you who don't know me - how dare you not know me? I'm really someone you should know. Anyways, for those of you who, shockingly, haven't heard of my reputation, my name is Norrell. Full name: His Royal Highness, Prince Norrell Amadeus Moriarty Quest of Southern Mageria - but that's far too long to write each time so you can just call me Norrell, or The Lord of Mischief, Guitar Master Extraordinaire, or even That Strangely Alluring Guy at the Bar, whatever takes your fancy. 

Where the eff was I? Oh yeah. For anyone reading this - and I'm totally cool if you are, by the way. I'm actually thinking of publishing my memoirs one day, mainly to annoy my relatives - these diary entries contain exploits of Magical Mischievous Mayhem, in which I am a professional practitioner. I do this also to leave an inspirational guide for the aspiring magical pranksters of the future (though let it be known, if anyone copies my ideas, I will sue the skin off them. I don't care if I'm dead, I will come back from the grave and still sue). 

Soooo, what have I been up to recently...

August 13th 2024 (Or something. Remembering dates isn't my thing.) Or Mischief Challenge: How Many People Can I Delieriate In One Visit To The Magic Realm?

We've moved apartments. I'll miss the old one and the neighbour Leoni and I used to play pranks on. Still, there is no way I'm going back to our old one now that it's full of Gremlins. 

It wouldn't have been so bad if the gnomes already living in our old apartment hadn't started fighting with the gremlins. Rock me, that was chaotic! All that dodging of flying magic dust and chewed bits of furniture but the absolute worst was the flying poop. Yep, they threw poo at each other on a regular basis. How they got hold of so much and where they got it from (I'd love to say it was their own but with Gremlins, you never know), I don't know, but that was the last straw. As I write this, Rhydia and Leoni are currently over at the old place now, negotiating a truce.

I think I like our new apartment even more though. It's bigger and, most importantly, poo free (Well, okay, except for the obvious source. I mean, all four of us have working digestive systems so... you get the gist. Why am I rambling on about poo so much? Poop. Poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poooop. Okay, I've got it out of my system now. Mentally, I mean). 

So, yeah. The view from my room is amazing.

Anyway, let's start with me and dear brother Taddie going magic shopping. Somehow magical goods are the only type of goods you can't buy online in the Human Realm (and Express Spell Delivery Services only operate within the Magic realms). Despite my protests, our roomies Rhydia and Leoni insisted, on pain of a karate hold, that it was mine and Tadeo's turn, on account of that it as their turn last time. 

So, here we are at Heironymous Quandrum University Campus, self-proclaimed as the largest and most prestigious magical college in the entire Magic Realm - an absolute lie of a claim because the one Taddie and I went to was much bigger and had much better funding. 

Me: "What's with the whole shadowy hat combination?" (Tadeo is a collector of hats and, since moving to the Human Realm, has recently adopted the fashion sense of a burglar). 

Tadeo: "I don't want anyone to recognise me. You know, because," he murmurs, "our families are kind of well-known to the magical folk around here?"

Me: "Look, just say 'commoners' and get it out of your system already."

Tadeo (furious whispering): "Shut up! Do you really want us recognised?"

"I'm counting on them recognising me," I grin, strutting off. "And when they do, I'm going to insist that they bow to us and address us as 'Your Highnesses."

"No! No! Don't do that!," Tadeo chases after me as I run, cackling, to the market street. "Please, Norrell, I'm begging you."

So much for keeping a low profile. "I'm kidding, Taddie," I say.

My brother is somewhat averse to the attention one gets from common- ahem- those who aren't Royal. In fact, he's somewhat averse to attention in general. But we've both done DNA tests and we definitely are twin brothers, despite having nothing whatsoever in common.

For example, we whooped through the portal to Casters Alley. I love whooping through portals, Tadeo gets vortex sickness. When he finished almost puking, we found ourselves at the stalls. 

"Okay," says Tadeo, studying the list. "Let's see what we need." (This sounds organised but really he's trying to stall speaking to the stallholders. Hey, did I just make a poem?).

I wait for him to study the list some more and get bored. "I thought we only had to get five things?" 

"I... just want to make sure that I've remembered everything," says Tadeo, frowning.

"Do you want me to do the first stall?" I ask. 

"Um, yeah, if you wouldn't mind," Tadeo mumbles.

"Ugh, I still can't believe we have to do our own grocery shopping," I grumble as I walk over. "Back home, we had servants to do this sort of thing."

"Could you not say that out loud?" Tadeo hisses. "Someone might hear!"

"Why are you so paranoid today?" I ask. "Is this because, last time, there was someone here with South Magerian dollars and your face was on one of them?"

"No." Tadeo glares at me and goes pink. That last time was actually hilarious. Those customers were particularly huge fans of Royalty; they even got on their knees and started hailing us. Tadeo was so embarrassed, he ran off, fell over (because, when embarrassed, he has the co-ordination of a fruit fly), then transported himself back home and stayed in his room for the rest of the day. I'm still hacked off that he got to be on the ten dollar bill and I only got the five!

"Fine," I decided not to press the matter further. (By the way, you may have notice in my writing that I switch tenses a lot and occasionally go into script. This is because I do not care whatsoever about grammar. I am writing my personal thoughts and memoirs, not the collected works of Shakespeare. Deal with it). 

Where was I? Oh yeah. Got the shopping, then I was still bored and decided to do a little busking. 

Tadeo says to me, "Why are you busking? We don't actually need any money?"

Me: "For fun." Jeez. "Anyway, I thought you wanted us to look poor?"

Tadeo rolls his eyes and goes off to read a book. Excellent. Because now I can brush up on my Deliriation skill. Now for an unsuspecting mark... 

That girl who bought the last of the powdered frogs’ brains will do nicely. 

Success! As she wanders away giggling like a drunken teenager, a student marches up to me. 

“Excuse me,” she says in a preppy sort of voice. “You do know it’s a violation of HQ Magic Rules to Deliriate people within all areas of the HQ campus?” (This one’s definitely a Head of Dorm, or a Security Scout, or something). “Can I see your Spellcasting licence please?”

See my licence?! SEE MY MAGIC LICENCE?! I'm an effing Prince. How about you show me your ID and I ban you from this Realm for insolence? See my licence. Bah!

“Certainly,” I grin, waving my casting hand. 

 She wandered off as if in a dream.

“Norrell?” Tadeo approaches me. Darn, he’s already suspicious. “You’re not… casting anything are you?”

“Who, me?” I say innocently.

“Hello Mr Sunshine Face.” Preppy student comes back and waves with the grin of a dazed clown. “Nice to see you again.” (Perhaps I need to turn down the strength of my spells. Those swirling eyes creeped me out a little). 

“Who is this and what have you done to her?” Tadeo says.

“Don’t know,” I say. “I’ve never met this person in my life before. Someone needs to talk to the Dean about the amount of sugar-cloud syrup students are buying these days. It’s really getting out of hand.” I promptly left whilst the girl started playing an imaginary violin.

Back at the HQ of HQ, Tadeo wanted to brush up on his spellcraft research. 

“Really?” I said. “You’re a qualified grimoirian. Surely you already know everything there is to know about magic?”

“No one knows everything, Norrell,” said Tadeo. “I still need to refresh my knowledge from time to time. Plus I’m writing a new story set in Ancient Gypsonia and I need to check I’ve got the history accurate.”

Excellent. He’ll be a few hours. More time for mischief! 

Whilst Taddie browses the books, I head up to the main hall and spy one of the Sages. Hmm, I have never tried to Deliriate such a powerful level of wizard before. (Just to elaborate, for anyone who chances upon this tome, Tadeo and I are warlocks, not wizards. Wizards are humans born or imbued with magic; warlocks (at least in my universe) are a separate species with an inner magical core. Magic literally runs in our blood and by that I mean our blood is magical. You should see what it does to vampires when they drink a warlock’s blood, it’s really quite spectacular to watch).

Anyway, back to the show. I sneak up to him whilst he’s lost in thought… 

He really was lost in thought too. I managed to sneak up on him directly in front of him. 

Come on, please work, please work, please work.

Yesssss! An achievement is made! He staggers off smiling and muttering about flying chickens. 

Whilst strutting through the practice chambers (because one does not simply walk into practice chambers), I saw this guy who shared the same taste in jackets. 

I went easy on him for having such great taste in clothes.

Then, as chance would have it, a second Sage happened to be passing by. Could I get away with it twice? 

OMG he strikes again! Wooo! Yeah! I am the magnificent! 

She walks away giggling in a dream cloud and asks the nearest student why there are rainbows everywhere. Not bad for a warlock born without any magical core who had to learn how to hack magical devices to use spells. (More on that story another time).

My casting ring needed some recharge time after that, so I headed down to the lower library, which for some reason also has a bar. Not quite sure why since alcohol is prohibited at all magical universities for students (a weird rule in my opinion. Alcohol has more or less the same effect on a spellcaster as a dodgy potion, just with less imaginative gas expulsions). Perhaps the professors come down here after dark to get drunk and moan about their students.  

As I energised myself with the ethereal rays of the fire crystals (rocking hell, I’m starting to sound like Taddie when he writes), I compared nails with another student. 

Then Deliriated her once my casting ring had charged up. 

So that’s, what, six people now? I am on a role! 

I chatted to another spellcaster… 

… and was about to Deliriate them too, when… 

Hadn’t noticed that Tadeo was behind me. “Owie.”

Unlike a lot of warlocks, who have their magic core in their hearts, hands or their skin, Tadeo’s magical core is in his hair. He’s not a fighting type, (unless playing video games, then he is the supreme master of darkness and will show no mercy), but his magic is actually pretty strong. My butt still stings from that zap!

“I knew you were the one Deliriating people!” Tadeo glares at me. 

“You… bucking… faastaaard,” I slur, brain still zoned out from the zap. Then I fell unconscious.

When I woke up, Tadeo had transported us home. He was still mad at me.

“Can’t believe you did that,” he muttered.

“I can’t believe you stunned me,” I said, rubbing my sore behind.

“I saw Sage Silversweater trying to ride Sage Phaba around the building like she was a unicorn,” said Tadeo, “and Sage Phaba thought she really was a unicorn. She even let him feed her a sugar lump afterwards.”

“Please tell me you took a picture,” I said.

Tadeo stared at me, flabbergasted. “No, I didn’t take a picture. There was another guy in there who thought he was a goat and was eating the books!” 

Really? Wow, my magic really is stronger than I thought.

“Your point?” I say. 

“My point is,” Tadeo replies, “that you could have seriously hurt someone.”

I am actually slightly hurt by that. “Oh come on, you know my rules. I never make anyone do something actually dangerous,” I replied. “And all of those spells will wear off in an hour. They won’t remember a thing.”

“Yeah, but everyone who sees them will,” says Tadeo. “If anyone finds out it was you -”

“Which they won’t,” I interject, “because I made sure to include that all who see the spell shall forget the face of whoever cast it.” At least I think I did. I’m pretty sure I did. 

“But what if they did?” says Tadeo.

“Who cares?” I was getting more than a little irritated with him by this point. “They didn’t, so there’s nothing wrong.”

Tadeo rolls his eyes and storms into the kitchen with a huff. Okay, he’s often mad at me about my pranks, but not usually this mad.

We entered the kitchen to find Rhydia standing on the worktop. O…kay then. 

“Don’t ask,” she says, on seeing us staring at her. “My delightful sister asked me to change a lightbulb before she went out and has put superglue all over this worktop. Whatever you do, don’t touch it.”

She then makes a call and yells at Leoni down the phone. 

I had to snigger. Partly at Leoni’s prank, but mainly because at that moment, Leoni stopped being invisible and appeared on the sofa behind her sister and winked at me.

“Guess we’ve all had a bit of a prank day, right Taddie?” I jested.

I looked round but Tadeo had already stropped off to his room, presumably to write in his diary or stress-game or whatever he does in there. 

Leoni managed to get Rhydia off the worktop eventually. It’s been five hours now and Tad is still in his room, sulking. What is with him lately?