Stranding at Attention Pt. 1
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Grampa: Kids, did I ever tell you about the time I stopped a mutiny aboard a World War II Navy aircraft carrier?
Lisa: Is this the one that ends with you wrestling Godzilla in Madison Square Garden?
Grampa: No, and that story wasn't entirely true. See, I told you that one when I was younger and much more senile than I am now.
Grampa: No, this happened when I was a handsome, young buck, living my best Navy Life.
Grampa: I'd been assigned a top secret mission by my Commander. *flashback harp*
Young Grampa Simpson: I won't let you down, sir! Tojo will be shaking in his boots when he sees what I've done!
Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Swab the Deck
Time: 1h
Location: Squidport Entrance or Homes
Young Grampa Simpson: Mission accomplished, sir! Awaiting further instructions!
Grampa: That was when I saw a sight so horrible it will be forever etched in my memory.
Bart: *chanting* Dead body, dead body, dead body!
Grampa: A grown man suffering terrible food poisoning in the water closet!
Lisa: *ewww* Grampa!
Young Grampa Simpson: Sir! I will never forget your sacrifice! I'll see that you get the Purple Heart for this!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Stranding at Attention Pt. 2
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Grampa: With my C.O. out of commission, that left me in command.
Grampa: I immediately set to the task at hand: becoming drunk with power. *flashback harp*
Young Grampa Simpson: Here's the situation, Abe. Some people achieve greatness, some people have greatness thrust upon them by undercooked chicken.
Young Grampa Simpson: Swabbing platoon B! I am assuming command! Report for duty!
Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Use His Commander Voice
Time: 4h
Location: Squidport Entrance or Brown House
On job start:
Young Grampa Simpson: Atten-hut! Men, your commanding officer is down. As of this moment, I am in charge.
Young Grampa Simpson: Some of you look at this deck and think: “Hey, that looks pretty well swabbed”.
Young Grampa Simpson: You think: “We've been swabbing for twelve hours, and Navy regulations require we be allowed to sleep”.
Young Grampa Simpson: But I look at this deck, and I think: “If I work these men even harder, maybe the boss will promote me, so screw these guys”.
Young Grampa Simpson: So whaddya say, men? Are you ready to sacrifice everything for my benefit?
Young Grampa Simpson: Hello? Men? *whistles* Yo, anybody out there?
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Stranding at Attention Pt. 3
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Grampa: I was getting nowhere with these layabouts. It was time to properly motivate them.
Young Grampa Simpson: Alright boys, I've hidden the key to the Mess Hall. No one gets dinner until this deck shines like the Captain's rear end after I'm done kissing it!
Grampa: Well, I'm proud to say the men respected my authority, and they fell right in line.
Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Run From Sailors
Time: 4h
Location: Squidport Entrance or Brown House
Young Grampa Simpson: Boys, we can work this out! Why don't you all put me down, and we can discuss fine tuning my management style?
Grampa: And that was when I learned that even if you're in the middle of the ocean far from any discernable land mass...
Grampa: If you make the fellas mad enough, they'll find a sand bar to strand you on.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Stranding at Attention Pt. 4
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Grampa: Stranded on a desert island by my crew, I knew I was facing the very real possibility of sunburn.
Lisa: Also thirst and starvation.
Grampa: That's when my eyes fell upon my salvation: sharks. *flashback harp*
Young Grampa Simpson: Yoo-hoo! Over here, sharks! First one to offer me a ride gets all the mutineers he can eat!
Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Get Jumped by the Shark
Time: 12h
Grampa: That was when I learned the terrible truth about sharks -- they do not honor verbal contracts.
Young Grampa Simpson: Hey, I asked for a RIDE, you idiot shark. Not a mauling!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Stranding at Attention Pt. 5
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Grampa: So then the men rescued me and the rest of the story is really boring. The end!
Bart: Nuh-uh, Grampa. Any story you don't want to tell us is one I want to hear.
Grampa: Fine. What's a little more humiliation at my age anyway, just a drop in the ol' catheter. *flashback harp*
Young Grampa Simpson: Now men, I realize we've had slight disagreements over my leadership style.
Young Grampa Simpson: But seeing as how you tried to kill me, and would love another crack at it, maybe I could make you dinner?
Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Peel Potatoes
Time: 24h
Young Grampa Simpson: This is the last time I'll ever peel a potato! *flash-forward harp*
Grampa: And it was. From then on, I made my wife peel the potatoes. Until she left me. Then, no potatoes ever again.
Grampa: Man, I miss potatoes.
Grampa: Oh, right. And then I wrestled Godzilla in Madison Square Garden. The end.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 1
Young Artie Ziff starts
Young Artie Ziff: In conclusion, "public displays of affection" are detrimental to a high school's mission, which is education. They should be outlawed and punishable by immediate expulsion.
Chalmers: Well put, Artie. And now, taking the “pro” side in this debate... Marge Bouvier.
Young Marge: While my opponent makes some excellent points, he ignores the fact that we are inherently emotional beings.
Young Artie Ziff: Not all of us! As an evolved teenager, my thought processes are entirely logical.
Young Marge: We students are supposed to be learning about all aspects of life. And one of those is surely love.
Young Artie Ziff: Love is a chemical process in the brain designed to prompt organisms to reproduce. Right, my fellow teenagers?
Chalmers: An insightful and chilling argument, Mr. Ziff. I'm impressed and disturbed.
Task: Make Young Artie Try to Counter the Argument
Time: 4h
Location: Springfield High School, Springfield Library or Brown House
On job start:
Young Artie Ziff: Seriously, Marge. I must have missed “Introduction to Love” in the school course guide.
Young Marge: If you've never experienced love, Artie, then maybe you don't know EVERYTHING.
Young Artie Ziff: An interesting proposition. Very well. I shall open myself to the feeling of love.
Young Artie Ziff: There! I have just retasked a region of my neocortex to run algorithms based on emotion, not logic.
Young Artie Ziff: Oh my stars. Look at those waves of blue hair. Look at those limpid eyes. Marge Bouvier is the embodiment of perfection!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 2
Young Artie Ziff starts
Young Artie Ziff: What's come over me? Yesterday I was just your average, unfeeling, smartest teenager in the world.
Young Artie Ziff: Today my heart is pounding! I hear music that defies all description!
Young Artie Ziff: Everywhere I look, Marge Bouvier is there. I'm lost! A Ziff adrift!
Young Marge: I enjoyed our debate today, Artie! You're really smart.
Young Artie Ziff: I-I-I-I. Oh. Hmm. That is... er... der... duh... duuuuhhhhh....
Young Marge: ...
Young Artie Ziff: Guuuuhhhhhh...
Task: Make Young Artie Be Tongue-Tied for the First Time
Time: 4h
Location: Springfield High School, Springfield Library or Brown House
Young Marge: Are you okay, Artie?
Young Artie Ziff: For the first time in my life, yes! How shall I put this? My very loins are aflame with the inferno of masculine desire.
Young Marge: Uh, okay! Whatever that means! Like I said, you're a real smart guy. See ya around!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 3
Young Artie Ziff starts
Young Artie Ziff: Get your head together, Ziff! Find something to take your mind off Marge.
Young Artie Ziff: Perhaps I should prove the Riemann hypothesis? No, too easy. I need something meatier...
Young Artie Ziff: I could perfect my cold fusion device. No, the last thing the world needs is limitless clean energy...
Young Artie Ziff: What about some painting? Ah, yes. Painting, like joke writing, is truly mankind's most complete waste of time.
Young Artie Ziff: Out into the garden for some fresh air and sunlight!
Task: Make Young Artie be Creatively Creepy
Time: 4h
Location: Marge Sculpture Garden
Young Artie Ziff: *sigh* Painting is no use. Even my highly refined brushwork and impeccable gouache cannot capture Marge's beauty.
Young Artie Ziff: If I cannot escape her siren call, then I must make her mine.
Young Artie Ziff: I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to have won the heart of Artie Ziff?!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 4
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Chalmers: Artie, Marge. I want a good clean debate today. No mocking each other.
Young Marge: Why would I mock Artie?
Chalmers: Well, like you, he takes debate class, which makes him a tremendous nerd. Again, like you. Anyway... get us started, Artie.
Young Artie Ziff: Thank you, Mr. Chalmers. Beautiful Margery, prepare to experience the greatest joy a woman can know...
Young Artie Ziff: Having a man tell her she's wrong about everything!
Task: Make Artie Ziff Dominate at Debate
Time: 8h
Location: Springfield High School or Brown House
Young Artie Ziff: In conclusion, let me reiterate that string theory, though a useful thought experiment, is ultimately unverifiable and therefore moot!
Chalmers: Marge, rebuttal.
Young Marge: I... I thought we were debating whether pollution was bad?
Young Artie Ziff: Well, yes. But I thought you deserved to be dazzled by my grasp of abstract mathematical theory. You're welcome!
Young Marge: Actually, I was... a little bored.
Young Artie Ziff: By Artie Ziff? Impossible!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 5
Auto starts
Young Artie Ziff: Margery, I have wonderful news. I'm... interested in you. Congratulations! You are hereby approved to date me, Artie Ziff.
Young Marge: Oh. Uh, Artie, I didn't realize your feelings ran that way...
Young Artie Ziff: Well, they do! Your every wish is thus fulfilled, and your future is assured. You will not die alone. How splendid for you!
Young Marge: Gee, I'm really not sure I'm interested...
Young Artie Ziff: Then you soon shall be! Behold, the full glory of Artie Ziff!
Task: Make Young Artie Dance Like Marge is Watching
Time: 24h
Young Artie Ziff: *panting* Shall we... shall we start planning the wedding?
Young Marge: You seem very sure of yourself.
Young Artie Ziff: Wouldn't you be, if you were me? Of course, if you WERE me, we'd make an even cuter couple!
Young Marge: ...I'm sorry, Artie. But the man I marry will be a gentleman AND a scholar. And he'll have a full head of hair and washboard abs. *walks off*
Young Artie Ziff: *yelling down the hall* You'll come around, Margery! Oh yes, you will! Or my name isn't Artie Ziff!
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 1
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: Welcome to my uncle's chalet, Homer! Isn't it great?
Teenage Homer: The word “chalet” implies a hot tub and girls who ski in bikini tops for some wonderful reason I can't fathom. THIS is an ice fishing shack.
Young Barney: Well, sure, but if you like ice fishing--
Teenage Homer: Gonna stop you right there. I don't. I don't even like REGULAR fishing.
Teenage Homer: Listen, my philosophy is: “whatever makes you happy is great. Except fishing, which is dumb and you're dumb for liking it, ya dummy.”
Teenage Homer: Just pass me a beer.
Young Barney: We don't have any. Being drunk would impair our fishing skills, and we can't have that!
Teenage Homer: I'm going to die out here.
Task: Make Young Barney Prepare Ice Fishing
Time: 4h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Freeze His Butt Off
Time: 4h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
Young Barney: We're all set to fish! Hey, you okay, Homer? You're turning kind of blue.
Teenage Homer: J-j-just t-t-trying not to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d... freeze to death.
Young Barney: You'll feel better once you go completely numb.
Teenage Homer: Know what? You can go f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f... buzz off.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 2
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: You just need to discover the peace of fishing. Now grab one of these worms and impale its still-living form on your razor-sharp hook.
Teenage Homer: I'm not going to kill some poor worm over fishing.
Young Barney: It's already as good as dead. Nothing can survive in this cold.
Teenage Homer: WHICH IS WHY I WANT BEER! GIVE BEER!
Young Barney: What do we need beer for when we've got friendship?
Teenage Homer: That's a false premise. Your actual options are A) beer AND friendship both; or B) no beer and pure animal hatred.
Task: Make Young Barney Excel at Fishing
Time: 12h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Fish for an Escape
Time: 4h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
Young Barney: Having fun yet, Homer?
Teenage Homer: *cracks open a beer* Sure am, Barn!
Young Barney: Hey! Where'd you find that?!
Teenage Homer: Dunno, but I have a theory. I think the universe just sort of wants me to be a drunk.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 3
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: I was really hoping to get away from all the peer pressure around drinking for a few days.
Teenage Homer: Hey, don't be sore, pal. You don't have to drink. Unless you want to be cool.
Young Barney: Why would I turn myself into a pudgy, belching, idiot? I've got enough trouble getting girls as it is.
Teenage Homer: If it's girls you want, you came to the right man. Let me teach you the basics of scoring with super-hot babes.
Task: Make Young Barney Admire Young Homer
Time: 1h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Ramble Nonsensically About Women
Time: 8h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
On job start dialog:
Teenage Homer: The most important thing to remember is that women and men are exactly the same.
Young Barney: *pulls out tiny pad of paper and pencil* Uh huh. Uh huh. Go on.
Teenage Homer: So when you talk to a girl, remember that she's interested in sports, babes, and your personal ranking of the various guitar gods.
Teenage Homer: And if she disagrees with you, tell her she couldn't be more wrong, and that she should feel terrible about that.
Young Barney: All these years I've been trying to figure out what girls like. When it was right in front of my stupid face.
Teenage Homer: But the most important thing is to let them know, right up front, that you're a chick magnet and women find you irresistible.
Young Barney: *writes in tiny pad of paper* Be a chick magnet.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 4
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: I've clearly got a lot of work to do on myself before girls will like me.
Teenage Homer: Well, that's certainly true. But you'll feel better about it after a beer.
Young Barney: Where did THAT beer come from?
Teenage Homer: No idea. I just reach down my hand, like this, and-- hey! There's another one! Drink up, pal!
Young Barney: My Uncle says you should never bow to peer pressure.
Teenage Homer: A wise man. Now shut up and drink, or else.
Task: Make Young Barney Try to Fit In
Time: 4h
Young Barney: Ew, beer is gross.
Teenage Homer: *hic* Keep at it pal. You'll come around. *hic* I never want to drink anything else ever again. I hope my blood turns into beer.
Teenage Homer: That way, if I get in a car accident, it's like: “Quick, give this man a beer transfusion!” Boom! I'm drunker than ever.
Young Barney: Homer, I think you might have a problem.
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 5
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: Come on Homer, let's get you home. I think all this beer is damaging your brain.
Teenage Homer: *hic* Not the beer. Beer good. Cold bad. Homer still have toes?
Young Barney: Your toes? Yeah, they're right there in your shoes.
Teenage Homer: *hic* What about fingers?
Young Barney: Actually, they're a little blue. I think you're getting hypothermia.
Teenage Homer: *belch* No chance. Homer nice and toasty warm now.
Young Barney: What I'm about to say to you goes with us to our graves - for your own safety, take off your clothes and hold me.
Task: Make Young Barney Cuddle for Warmth
Time: 12h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Be Cuddled for Warmth
Time: 12h
Location: Ice Fishing Shack
Young Barney: Feeling any better, Homer?
Teenage Homer: Oh, god. How did it come to this? I swear, I am never drinking again. EVER.
Teenage Homer: ...
Teenage Homer: *cracks a beer*
Teenage Homer: Eh, the universe wants what it wants.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
The Timberlog Diner Pt. 1
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Homer: Ooh, look, guys! A new restaurant! I wanna try! Pull over!
Carl: Homer, we just ate.
Lenny: Just pull over, Carl. You know how he gets...
Carl: That's exactly the point. Homer needs to learn that he can't always have what he wants.
Lenny: He's just going to keep asking and asking...
Homer: Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Huuuuuunnnnggggrrrryyyyyy!
Carl: If we always give in, he's going to grow up to be a selfish monster.
Lenny: He's only thirty-eight years old. You can't expect him to act like an adult. Cut him some slack.
Carl: No. This time I'm putting my foot down.
Task: Make Homer Have a Hunger Induced Panic Attack
Time: 4h
Location: The Timberlog Diner
On job start:
Carl: All right, all right! We'll stop for food! Just settle down, Homer!
Lenny: Don't yell at the boy, Carl. He's just testing boundaries. It's normal at his age.
Carl: Don't use your therapist voice on me. I'm doing the best I know how.
Homer: Food!!!
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
The Timberlog Diner Pt. 2
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Homer: They have donuts! Want!
Carl: Donuts are dessert. You have to eat something healthy first.
Lenny: Waiter? Can we get a plate of donuts?
Carl: You always have to undermine me, don't you, Lenny?
Task: Make Homer Eat All the Donuts
Time: 4h
Location: The Timberlog Diner
On job start:
Homer: *furious donut eating*
Carl: That is really disgusting.
Lenny: Don't pick on him, okay? At least he's eating.
Carl: I just... I just thought it would be easier, ya know? It's so much responsibility. And I really love the little guy.
Lenny: Hey, I get it. You worry because you care. Homer's just going through a phase. He'll grow out of it.
Carl: Promise?
Lenny: Promise.
Homer: *furious donut eating*
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
Bethlehem Inn Pt. 1
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Moe: What's happened to this place? We used to be packed. Most nights, there was no room at the inn. ‘Specially around the holidays.
Ned: Hey diddily, Innkeep-arino! Me and the boys heard this was the official birthplace of Jesus!
Moe: *lying* Uh, yeah, sure is! Built in 1954. Jesus was one of our first customers. Nice kid. You could tell from day one he was cool.
Ned: I don't suppose your manger is available tonight?
Moe: Sadly, no. It burned down in the eighties.
Ned: Was it... the Romans?
Moe: Uh, yeah, sure. But listen, if you're looking for lousy, barn-like accommodations, you're in luck!
Moe: I got lotsa rooms, every one worse than the dirtiest manger!
Ned: Yes, please! We want the same biting cold and filthy straw that Mary and Joseph had.
Moe: You'll get our most decrepit room. It's, uh, a little more expensive, of course...
Task: Reach Level 15 and Build Moe's Tavern
Task: Make Moe Overcharge Pilgrims
Time: 4h
Location: Bethlehem Inn
Moe: Right this way, here's your room.
Todd: Daddy, why is there a kitty biting my toes?
Rod: *shrieks* That's not a kitty! That's a rat!
Moe: The VERY SAME rat that nibbled on Jesus' little piggies. His name's Bitey. Jesus came up with that.
Ned: What an honor! Eh, boys?
Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP
Bethlehem Inn Pt. 2
Auto starts
Moe: ‘Night, all. Do let the bedbugs bite. I mean, if you try to stop them, they get angry and really tear you apart.
Todd: Daddy, where are all the sheep and camels?
Ned: That's right. This can't be an authentic Baby Jesus Experience unless we're kept up half the night by the sounds of God's creatures.
Moe: *sigh* What I won't do for a buck...
Task: Make Moe Imitate Barn Animals
Time: 8h
Location: Bethlehem Inn
Moe: I hope you enjoyed your stay at the Bethlehem Inn, come back real soon.
Ned: It was very authentic. I haven't slept that badly in years. Tell me something -- did Jesus or his folks use the vibrating mattress in that room?
Moe: Of course. Yeah. Why not?
Ned: Hallelujah.
Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
