Level 45 ***WALKTHROUGH*** (thanks to TSTOFriends & SimpsonsWiki)
Artie Ziff Walkthrough
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1
Requirements: Level 45
Objective – Build ZiffCorp Sign
Patty: Why the frown, Selma?
Patty: This better be because we were ousted from the MacGyver Fan Club for indecency, and not man problems again!
Selma: My boyfriend got an electrolarynx and now says he's too good for me.
Patty: For God's sake, Selma – there're plenty of handsome men in the sea.
Patty: Desperate, lonely, ugly, handsome men.
Selma: Look at the facts, Patty. We're past 44 and still alone.
Selma: Even my green card marriage fell apart – how am I supposed to compete with Haiti?
Patty: I have a feeling 45 will take us to a whole new level.
Patty: And that level is rock bottom, with hunks like Artie Ziff.
Selma: You mean the guy who's crazy about Marge?
Patty: A desperation only a loving sister can take advantage of.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1
Objective – Make Homer Drink at Moes (8hrs)
Objective – Make Artie Drink at Moes (8hrs)
Objective – Make Moe Serve Drinks (8hrs)
Marge: Oh no... Artie!
Marge: Don't take this the wrong way...
Marge: ...but you're the last person I ever wanted to see again.
Artie: If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I'd still be rich!
Artie: But don't worry your corn cob shaped head, I'm just here for a helping hand...
Artie: ...in marriage?
Artie: Kidding!
Artie: Just a helping hand. No funny business...
Artie: ...unless you like a man who's funny.
Artie: Kidding again!
Artie: Just the help.
Homer: Maybe I can help you.
Marge: Homer! Really?
Homer: It's so rare to help someone worse off than me.
Homer: I'm always the bottom left of New York Magazine's Approval Matrix.
Homer: Every week!
Artie: I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man.
Homer: I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you!
Lisa: He means that as a compliment, Dad.
Homer: In that case, let's do the manliest thing I know -
Homer: Destroy our livers!
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2
Objective – Make Artie Spy on Everyone Count (12hrs)
Objective – Make Moe Spy on Midge Count (12hrs)
Homer: Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I've had some alcohol, let's find you a date!
Homer: First, you'll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive.
Homer: Lucky for us, we have Moe.
Moe: I know it, but it still hurts.
Artie: What exactly does being a wingman entail?
Moe: For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey...
Moe: ...I mean victim...
Moe: ...I mean woman...
Moe: ...I mean object.
Moe: Then you can use that information to manipulate her!
Artie: And all this time I've been foolishly selling personal information to the government, when I could have been using it to get dates?
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3
Objective – Make Artie Propose to Marge Count (Joint Task) (24hrs)
Artie: Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your life is because of that sub-human drunk Homer Simpson!
Marge: My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him?
Artie: This is new Springfield!
Artie: It's a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based. Everything's changing!
Artie: Give me a chance, Marge, and I can vastly improve your quality of life!
Marge: Ok Artie, what do you propose?
Artie: Margery Bouvier! I thought you'd never ask!
-After Objective Completion-
Marge: Artie, no means no.
Marge: I wish you would respect me when I say that.
Artie: Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is ignore a woman's wishes and tell her what she really wants.
Artie: You're looking at the new Artie! One that looks, talks, and acts like the old one.
Marge: If you think you're a better man, Artie, don't prove it to me – prove it to yourself!
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 5
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4
Objective – Make Artie Form Business Connections Count at Moes (12hrs)
Artie: Marge is playing hard to get once again!
Artie: But if I know Marge, and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is...
Artie: MONEY!
Artie: Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield's business universe.
Artie: Watch out, Krusty!
Artie: And Mr. Burns!
Artie: And Duffman!
Artie: And Kent Brockman!
Artie: Geez, I didn't realize there were so many rich idiots in--
Moe: Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them.
Artie: Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can't quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 6
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 5
Objective – Make Springfielders Invest in ZiffCorp Count : 10x (4hrs each)
Artie: Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity.
Moe: The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard.
Moe: Err, I mean, an empty plot of land.
Native American Spirit You said you would honor our spirit, Moe.
Moe: And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther.
Artie: Moe, you've proven yourself a man with loose morals and that's exactly who I want to be in business with.
Artie: Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don't ask too many questions, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Moe: I don't know – I've got some pretty wild dreams.
Moe: In one, I got wheels for feet.
-After Objective Completion-
Lenny: Hey, Carl, do you think we made a mistake investing our life savings into this stock?
Carl: No, Artie said he was coming to us first. And we can trust him -- he was wearing a suit.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 7
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 6
Objective – Make Artie Short Sell ZiffCorp Stock Count at Java Server (24hrs)
Carl: ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists.
Carl: If it's good enough for America's youth, then it's good enough for me.
Lenny: It's logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about.
Carl: And here's another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers.
Carl: Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp's borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date.
Lenny: That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried?
Carl: My financial advisor says there is nothing to be worried about. We'll be millionaires by nap time.
-After Objective Completion-
The Rich Texan: Yeehaw! I just bought me a majority share of the hottest company in 'Murica! I feel like dancin'.
Artie: Please stop shooting your own feet! We're on the second floor.
The Rich Texan: Well, how do you dance if you aren't shooting at your feet to make ‘em move?
Artie: In my culture, we sit down in chairs and make other people pick them up and dance for us.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 8
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 7
Objective – Build Indoor Tennis Courts
Objective – Make Artie File for Bankruptcy Count at Town hall (12h)
Artie: I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape.
Artie: ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy.
Carl: What about the articles in Mother Goose's ‘Lullabye and Sell' about ZiffCorp's massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy?
Artie: No, not a fantasy.
Artie: A lie! That was a lie!
Artie: I think it's technically called investor fraud.
Lenny: But what about us?
Artie: You will lose all your investments.
Artie: But don't worry, there's a silver lining...
Lenny: Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it?
Artie: You didn't let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court.
Artie: Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it.
-After Objective Completion-
Marge: Artie, you are absolutely the most unethical, sleazy example of a human being I have ever come across!
Artie: You're right – I AM rich.
Artie: Now will you marry me, Marge?
Marge: You just don't get it. I don't want to be with you, or even around you. Go home Artie.
Artie: What could have possibly gone wrong?!
Artie: I didn't listen to a word she said and ruined hundreds of people's lives.
Artie: I should be swimming in Marges.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 9
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 8
Objective – Build ZiffCorp Office Building
Judge Snyder: ...Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines.
Judge Snyder: I don't know if there's a white collar crime you haven't committed, Mr. Ziff.
Artie: White collar crimes are the good ones, right?
Judge Snyder: Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations!
Judge Snyder: A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You've ruined lives!
Artie: I don't suppose this ‘Get Out of Jail Free' card I have in my wallet is game transferrable?
Judge Snyder: Jail? I don't think that's necessary. It's not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs.
Judge Snyder: House arrest will do. And if you don't have a house, the court will appoint one for you.
Judge Snyder: As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail.
Judge Snyder: I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building.
Judge Snyder: Case dismissed!
-After Objective Completion-
Lenny: So ZiffCorp is back and will be publicly traded.
Lenny: But I'll never be fooled by a man in a fancy suit again.
Lenny: Hey! Nice suit, Carl, so are you thinking of buying back in?
Carl: Are you crazy? I lost over three hundred thousand dollars!
Lenny: Then I'm buying back in!
Carl: What?! Why?
Lenny: I said I wasn't going to listen to a man in a suit and you're a man in a suit.
Lenny: Thanks for the not advice, Carl.
Artie Ziff + The Rich Texan Walkthrough
Burning the Midnight Oil (Triggers if you've The Rich Texan)
Requirements: Level 45, The Rich Texan and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 9
Objective – Make Artie Practice his Tennis Serving Skills Count (1hr)
Objective – Make The Rich Texan Raise the Price of Midnight Oil Count (12hrs)
The Rich Texan: You're a dirty cheat, Artie Ziff!
The Rich Texan: I lost millions on your bum stock! I had to sell off 10% of my hat collection and 15% of my horse.
Artie: That's unfortunate, but as the expression goes -- hate the game, not the player.
The Rich Texan: I live my life by one expression and one expression only -- I don't like expressions!
Artie: Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to burn some midnight oil if I plan to get my tennis serve back to millionaire status.
The Rich Texan: Burn that midnight oil while you can. I will have my vengeance, and it will be as swift as it is shocking!
Artie: For the record, I'm not going to meet you in any town squares at noon.
The Rich Texan: Then my vengeance will be less swift than previously anticipated.
-After Objective Completion-
The Rich Texan: How's burning all that midnight oil treating ya, Artie?
Artie: Odd that you ask. I just tried to purchase some more and they said my card was declined.
The Rich Texan: That's because I own all the midnight oil fields this side of the Middle East. And I raised the price 500 times!
Artie: How crude!
The Rich Texan: And I raised the price of crude 1000 times!
The Rich Texan: I believe your expression is, hate the game, not the player. Yee-haw!
Uter Walkthrough
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 1
Requirements: Level 45 and The Hungry Hun
Objective – Make Uter Enjoy Candy for Breakfast Count (8hrs)
Lisa: Welcome back, Uter!
Lisa: So much has changed since you've been gone. Mostly the locations of things and that our currency is donuts now.
Uter: Donuts? Sweet sugary donuts?
Lisa: You can't eat them. They're legal tender.
Lisa: Well, semi-legal -- legal tender is usually transferable.
Uter: Then I will have to forgo donuts, and eat a healthy breakfast instead.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 2
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 1
Objective – Make Uter Wash Lederhosen Count at The Hungry Hun (1hr)
Uter: Oh no, ze first day of school and my lederhosen are filthy!
Uter: What else can I wear? Pants WITHOUT suspenders?
Uter: The children will make fun of me for sure.
Uter: Perhaps I can make a fresh pair out of ze curtains, just like ze Von Trapps!
Uter: Oh no – these curtains are filthy too! Back to Plan Acht!
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 3
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 2
Objective – Make Uter Attend Sci-Fi Convention at SF Elementary (4hrs)
Skinner: Hello, Uter. Or as they say in your country -- Hallo, Uter.
Skinner: I honestly thought Springfield being destroyed would make you want to go back home.
Uter: No no, I must attend your American school system to get grade A American education, Principal Skinner!
Skinner: Well, the Department of Education actually gave our grade A American education a D minus.
Skinner: But no “learning” today, Uter.
Skinner: While in Europe you might learn on Saturdays, and give wine to babies, here in America Saturdays are strictly for non-learning.
Skinner: I'm just here to supervise a Sci-Fi convention in the school gym.
Uter: I love sci-fi! Almost as much as deep fry!
Skinner: Then come on in, Uter – your enthusiasm and girth will fit right in.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 4
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 3
Objective – Make Uter Run While Full of Chocolate Count (24hrs)
Uter: Wraps of Khan and Chocolate Cookies Of The Fried Kind - this is paradise!
Nelson: Uter, you old so and so! I haven't seen you in ages.
Nelson: We're way past-due on your last wedgie appointment.
Nelson: I'm going to have to do a full bully overhaul – wedgie, swirlie, noogie, maybe even a swonkie.
Nelson: If I move my next Haw-Haw appointment, I should be able to squeeze you in...
Nelson: ...to a locker.
Uter: Please, no! Don't make me run, I am full of chocolate!
-After Objective Completion-
Uter: Out of the vay!
Uter: My nurples must not become purple!
Hank Scorpio: These conventions are a great place to find social misfits with genius-level IQs for my superweapon project.
Hank Scorpio: Plus pick up some more slammers for my Pog collection.
Nelson: Get back here, nerd!
Hank Scorpio: Of course, I also usually nab some hired muscle in the process.
Hank Scorpio: That kid would be a great candidate for my Henchboys to Henchmen program.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 5
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 4
Objective – Make Uter Hide in the Kwik-E-Mart Counter (8hrs)
Uter: If I run another step, I will yodel!
Nelson: When I get my hands on you, you're getting a beating American-style!
Uter: Oversized portions and no apologies!
Uter: I need a place to hide. A place that is safe, secure...
Uter: ...and, hopefully, full of candy.
-After Objective Completion-
Apu: I believe your bully has gone, young customer. But feel free to continue to eat our imported chocolate...
Apu: ...imported from the Shelbyville Discount Candy Emporium.
Uter: Thank you for your hospitality – I shall never nougat it!
Uter: Haha, candy humor. Auf Wiedersehen!
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 6
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 5
Objective – Make Uter Visit the Doctor Count at Hibberts Family Practice (12hrs)
Uter: I don't feel well. It could be a cramp from all that exercise.
Uter: Or perhaps it was that candy-less candy apple I ate earlier. Nature lies about its candy!
Uter: Perhaps I should meet with herr doktor...
-After Objective Completion-
Uter: Do you know what is wrong with me, herr doktor?
Dr. Hibbert: Oh I'm no hair doctor, although I do like to take care of my locks. Heh-Heh-Heh.
Dr. Hibbert: Uter, you have what I call the Rocky of diabetes – types one through seven.
Dr. Hibbert: But you also don't have any American health care, so on your way.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 7
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 6
Objective – Make Uter Have Second Breakfast Count at The Hungry Hun (12hrs)
Uter: Maybe I should take the advice of my cousins Hansel and Gretel and round out my diet.
Uter: A steady regiment of breadcrumbs and houses!
Uter: Strange, all this talk of food is making me hungry.
Uter + Otto Walkthrough
The Magic Schoolbus (triggers if you've Otto)
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 7
Objective – Make Uter Sit Alone on the Bus Count at School Bus (4hrs)
Uter: I cannot wait to see all my school friends again.
Uter: I am sure they will be happy to see me again, too.
-After Objective Completion-
Otto: Whoa, little dude, I didn't even notice you sitting there.
Uter: You've been sitting on me for half an hour.
Otto: I thought you were a bean bag chair. I guess I solved the mystery of the screaming bean bag chair.
Uter: Oh wise bus driver, I feel so alone. My only friends are the ones I eat.
Otto: Whoa, dude, never eat your friends. If they're anything like Dave, they'll get super mad.
Hank Scorpio + Nelson Walkthrough
The Rule of Two Pt. 1 (triggers if you've Hank Scorpio)
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 3
Objective – Make Nelson Shake Down Nerds Count at SF Elementary (12hrs)
Objective – Make Hank Scorpio Reminisce Count at SF Elementary (12hrs)
Hank Scorpio: Ah, look at that big kid chase that pudgy kid. What a beautiful time in a young monster's life.
Nelson: Come back here, nerd!
Nelson: When I catch you, I'm going to give you an Indian burn so bad you'll open a casino.
Hank Scorpio: *sigh* Really takes you back. Reminds me of when I made Henry Kissinger pee his pants in pre-school.
Hank Scorpio: I think he was picking up his daughter.
The Rule of Two Pt. 2 (triggers if you've Hank Scorpio)
Requirements: Level 45 and The Rule of Two Pt. 1
Objective – Make Nelson Organize Bullying Count at SF Elementary (8hrs)
Objective – Make Hank Scorpio Oversee Bullying Program Count at SF Elementary (8hrs)
Hank Scorpio: Excuse me, Mister Muntz. Have you ever considered a career as a goon, a thug, or a hoodlum?
Nelson: Those were the exact careers listed on my career aptitude test.
Nelson: And US Senator.
Hank Scorpio: The world needs leaders, Nelson.
Hank Scorpio: And those leaders need faceless ruffians behind them to help stomp out the competition.
Hank Scorpio: What you need to do is create a program that you can organize in your own megalomaniacal image.
Nelson: You had me at megalomaniacal image.
Hank Scorpio: So the very end?
Nelson: I'm a slow learner.
-After Objective Completion-
Nelson: The Advanced Muntz Organization of Bullying, or A MOB, thanks you for your donation, doofus.
Nelson: Please enjoy these complimentary return address stickers that I've punched into your stomach.
Milhouse: *ooof* I feel better having donated to a deserving cause.
Hank Scorpio: Look at the little scamp go, punching stomachs and administering wedgies like a future Fortune 500 owner.
Hank Scorpio: What is this thing I'm feeling? Pride?...
Hank Scorpio: ...No, it's gas. Shouldn't have eaten that gas station sushi.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1
Requirements: Level 45
Objective – Build ZiffCorp Sign
Patty: Why the frown, Selma?
Patty: This better be because we were ousted from the MacGyver Fan Club for indecency, and not man problems again!
Selma: My boyfriend got an electrolarynx and now says he's too good for me.
Patty: For God's sake, Selma – there're plenty of handsome men in the sea.
Patty: Desperate, lonely, ugly, handsome men.
Selma: Look at the facts, Patty. We're past 44 and still alone.
Selma: Even my green card marriage fell apart – how am I supposed to compete with Haiti?
Patty: I have a feeling 45 will take us to a whole new level.
Patty: And that level is rock bottom, with hunks like Artie Ziff.
Selma: You mean the guy who's crazy about Marge?
Patty: A desperation only a loving sister can take advantage of.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1
Objective – Make Homer Drink at Moes (8hrs)
Objective – Make Artie Drink at Moes (8hrs)
Objective – Make Moe Serve Drinks (8hrs)
Marge: Oh no... Artie!
Marge: Don't take this the wrong way...
Marge: ...but you're the last person I ever wanted to see again.
Artie: If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I'd still be rich!
Artie: But don't worry your corn cob shaped head, I'm just here for a helping hand...
Artie: ...in marriage?
Artie: Kidding!
Artie: Just a helping hand. No funny business...
Artie: ...unless you like a man who's funny.
Artie: Kidding again!
Artie: Just the help.
Homer: Maybe I can help you.
Marge: Homer! Really?
Homer: It's so rare to help someone worse off than me.
Homer: I'm always the bottom left of New York Magazine's Approval Matrix.
Homer: Every week!
Artie: I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man.
Homer: I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you!
Lisa: He means that as a compliment, Dad.
Homer: In that case, let's do the manliest thing I know -
Homer: Destroy our livers!
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2
Objective – Make Artie Spy on Everyone Count (12hrs)
Objective – Make Moe Spy on Midge Count (12hrs)
Homer: Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I've had some alcohol, let's find you a date!
Homer: First, you'll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive.
Homer: Lucky for us, we have Moe.
Moe: I know it, but it still hurts.
Artie: What exactly does being a wingman entail?
Moe: For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey...
Moe: ...I mean victim...
Moe: ...I mean woman...
Moe: ...I mean object.
Moe: Then you can use that information to manipulate her!
Artie: And all this time I've been foolishly selling personal information to the government, when I could have been using it to get dates?
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3
Objective – Make Artie Propose to Marge Count (Joint Task) (24hrs)
Artie: Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your life is because of that sub-human drunk Homer Simpson!
Marge: My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him?
Artie: This is new Springfield!
Artie: It's a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based. Everything's changing!
Artie: Give me a chance, Marge, and I can vastly improve your quality of life!
Marge: Ok Artie, what do you propose?
Artie: Margery Bouvier! I thought you'd never ask!
-After Objective Completion-
Marge: Artie, no means no.
Marge: I wish you would respect me when I say that.
Artie: Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is ignore a woman's wishes and tell her what she really wants.
Artie: You're looking at the new Artie! One that looks, talks, and acts like the old one.
Marge: If you think you're a better man, Artie, don't prove it to me – prove it to yourself!
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 5
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4
Objective – Make Artie Form Business Connections Count at Moes (12hrs)
Artie: Marge is playing hard to get once again!
Artie: But if I know Marge, and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is...
Artie: MONEY!
Artie: Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield's business universe.
Artie: Watch out, Krusty!
Artie: And Mr. Burns!
Artie: And Duffman!
Artie: And Kent Brockman!
Artie: Geez, I didn't realize there were so many rich idiots in--
Moe: Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them.
Artie: Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can't quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 6
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 5
Objective – Make Springfielders Invest in ZiffCorp Count : 10x (4hrs each)
Artie: Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity.
Moe: The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard.
Moe: Err, I mean, an empty plot of land.
Native American Spirit You said you would honor our spirit, Moe.
Moe: And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther.
Artie: Moe, you've proven yourself a man with loose morals and that's exactly who I want to be in business with.
Artie: Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don't ask too many questions, and I'll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Moe: I don't know – I've got some pretty wild dreams.
Moe: In one, I got wheels for feet.
-After Objective Completion-
Lenny: Hey, Carl, do you think we made a mistake investing our life savings into this stock?
Carl: No, Artie said he was coming to us first. And we can trust him -- he was wearing a suit.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 7
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 6
Objective – Make Artie Short Sell ZiffCorp Stock Count at Java Server (24hrs)
Carl: ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists.
Carl: If it's good enough for America's youth, then it's good enough for me.
Lenny: It's logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about.
Carl: And here's another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers.
Carl: Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp's borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date.
Lenny: That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried?
Carl: My financial advisor says there is nothing to be worried about. We'll be millionaires by nap time.
-After Objective Completion-
The Rich Texan: Yeehaw! I just bought me a majority share of the hottest company in 'Murica! I feel like dancin'.
Artie: Please stop shooting your own feet! We're on the second floor.
The Rich Texan: Well, how do you dance if you aren't shooting at your feet to make ‘em move?
Artie: In my culture, we sit down in chairs and make other people pick them up and dance for us.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 8
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 7
Objective – Build Indoor Tennis Courts
Objective – Make Artie File for Bankruptcy Count at Town hall (12h)
Artie: I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape.
Artie: ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy.
Carl: What about the articles in Mother Goose's ‘Lullabye and Sell' about ZiffCorp's massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy?
Artie: No, not a fantasy.
Artie: A lie! That was a lie!
Artie: I think it's technically called investor fraud.
Lenny: But what about us?
Artie: You will lose all your investments.
Artie: But don't worry, there's a silver lining...
Lenny: Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it?
Artie: You didn't let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court.
Artie: Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it.
-After Objective Completion-
Marge: Artie, you are absolutely the most unethical, sleazy example of a human being I have ever come across!
Artie: You're right – I AM rich.
Artie: Now will you marry me, Marge?
Marge: You just don't get it. I don't want to be with you, or even around you. Go home Artie.
Artie: What could have possibly gone wrong?!
Artie: I didn't listen to a word she said and ruined hundreds of people's lives.
Artie: I should be swimming in Marges.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 9
Requirements: Level 45 and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 8
Objective – Build ZiffCorp Office Building
Judge Snyder: ...Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines.
Judge Snyder: I don't know if there's a white collar crime you haven't committed, Mr. Ziff.
Artie: White collar crimes are the good ones, right?
Judge Snyder: Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations!
Judge Snyder: A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You've ruined lives!
Artie: I don't suppose this ‘Get Out of Jail Free' card I have in my wallet is game transferrable?
Judge Snyder: Jail? I don't think that's necessary. It's not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs.
Judge Snyder: House arrest will do. And if you don't have a house, the court will appoint one for you.
Judge Snyder: As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail.
Judge Snyder: I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building.
Judge Snyder: Case dismissed!
-After Objective Completion-
Lenny: So ZiffCorp is back and will be publicly traded.
Lenny: But I'll never be fooled by a man in a fancy suit again.
Lenny: Hey! Nice suit, Carl, so are you thinking of buying back in?
Carl: Are you crazy? I lost over three hundred thousand dollars!
Lenny: Then I'm buying back in!
Carl: What?! Why?
Lenny: I said I wasn't going to listen to a man in a suit and you're a man in a suit.
Lenny: Thanks for the not advice, Carl.
Artie Ziff + The Rich Texan Walkthrough
Burning the Midnight Oil (Triggers if you've The Rich Texan)
Requirements: Level 45, The Rich Texan and The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 9
Objective – Make Artie Practice his Tennis Serving Skills Count (1hr)
Objective – Make The Rich Texan Raise the Price of Midnight Oil Count (12hrs)
The Rich Texan: You're a dirty cheat, Artie Ziff!
The Rich Texan: I lost millions on your bum stock! I had to sell off 10% of my hat collection and 15% of my horse.
Artie: That's unfortunate, but as the expression goes -- hate the game, not the player.
The Rich Texan: I live my life by one expression and one expression only -- I don't like expressions!
Artie: Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to burn some midnight oil if I plan to get my tennis serve back to millionaire status.
The Rich Texan: Burn that midnight oil while you can. I will have my vengeance, and it will be as swift as it is shocking!
Artie: For the record, I'm not going to meet you in any town squares at noon.
The Rich Texan: Then my vengeance will be less swift than previously anticipated.
-After Objective Completion-
The Rich Texan: How's burning all that midnight oil treating ya, Artie?
Artie: Odd that you ask. I just tried to purchase some more and they said my card was declined.
The Rich Texan: That's because I own all the midnight oil fields this side of the Middle East. And I raised the price 500 times!
Artie: How crude!
The Rich Texan: And I raised the price of crude 1000 times!
The Rich Texan: I believe your expression is, hate the game, not the player. Yee-haw!
Uter Walkthrough
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 1
Requirements: Level 45 and The Hungry Hun
Objective – Make Uter Enjoy Candy for Breakfast Count (8hrs)
Lisa: Welcome back, Uter!
Lisa: So much has changed since you've been gone. Mostly the locations of things and that our currency is donuts now.
Uter: Donuts? Sweet sugary donuts?
Lisa: You can't eat them. They're legal tender.
Lisa: Well, semi-legal -- legal tender is usually transferable.
Uter: Then I will have to forgo donuts, and eat a healthy breakfast instead.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 2
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 1
Objective – Make Uter Wash Lederhosen Count at The Hungry Hun (1hr)
Uter: Oh no, ze first day of school and my lederhosen are filthy!
Uter: What else can I wear? Pants WITHOUT suspenders?
Uter: The children will make fun of me for sure.
Uter: Perhaps I can make a fresh pair out of ze curtains, just like ze Von Trapps!
Uter: Oh no – these curtains are filthy too! Back to Plan Acht!
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 3
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 2
Objective – Make Uter Attend Sci-Fi Convention at SF Elementary (4hrs)
Skinner: Hello, Uter. Or as they say in your country -- Hallo, Uter.
Skinner: I honestly thought Springfield being destroyed would make you want to go back home.
Uter: No no, I must attend your American school system to get grade A American education, Principal Skinner!
Skinner: Well, the Department of Education actually gave our grade A American education a D minus.
Skinner: But no “learning” today, Uter.
Skinner: While in Europe you might learn on Saturdays, and give wine to babies, here in America Saturdays are strictly for non-learning.
Skinner: I'm just here to supervise a Sci-Fi convention in the school gym.
Uter: I love sci-fi! Almost as much as deep fry!
Skinner: Then come on in, Uter – your enthusiasm and girth will fit right in.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 4
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 3
Objective – Make Uter Run While Full of Chocolate Count (24hrs)
Uter: Wraps of Khan and Chocolate Cookies Of The Fried Kind - this is paradise!
Nelson: Uter, you old so and so! I haven't seen you in ages.
Nelson: We're way past-due on your last wedgie appointment.
Nelson: I'm going to have to do a full bully overhaul – wedgie, swirlie, noogie, maybe even a swonkie.
Nelson: If I move my next Haw-Haw appointment, I should be able to squeeze you in...
Nelson: ...to a locker.
Uter: Please, no! Don't make me run, I am full of chocolate!
-After Objective Completion-
Uter: Out of the vay!
Uter: My nurples must not become purple!
Hank Scorpio: These conventions are a great place to find social misfits with genius-level IQs for my superweapon project.
Hank Scorpio: Plus pick up some more slammers for my Pog collection.
Nelson: Get back here, nerd!
Hank Scorpio: Of course, I also usually nab some hired muscle in the process.
Hank Scorpio: That kid would be a great candidate for my Henchboys to Henchmen program.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 5
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 4
Objective – Make Uter Hide in the Kwik-E-Mart Counter (8hrs)
Uter: If I run another step, I will yodel!
Nelson: When I get my hands on you, you're getting a beating American-style!
Uter: Oversized portions and no apologies!
Uter: I need a place to hide. A place that is safe, secure...
Uter: ...and, hopefully, full of candy.
-After Objective Completion-
Apu: I believe your bully has gone, young customer. But feel free to continue to eat our imported chocolate...
Apu: ...imported from the Shelbyville Discount Candy Emporium.
Uter: Thank you for your hospitality – I shall never nougat it!
Uter: Haha, candy humor. Auf Wiedersehen!
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 6
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 5
Objective – Make Uter Visit the Doctor Count at Hibberts Family Practice (12hrs)
Uter: I don't feel well. It could be a cramp from all that exercise.
Uter: Or perhaps it was that candy-less candy apple I ate earlier. Nature lies about its candy!
Uter: Perhaps I should meet with herr doktor...
-After Objective Completion-
Uter: Do you know what is wrong with me, herr doktor?
Dr. Hibbert: Oh I'm no hair doctor, although I do like to take care of my locks. Heh-Heh-Heh.
Dr. Hibbert: Uter, you have what I call the Rocky of diabetes – types one through seven.
Dr. Hibbert: But you also don't have any American health care, so on your way.
You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 7
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 6
Objective – Make Uter Have Second Breakfast Count at The Hungry Hun (12hrs)
Uter: Maybe I should take the advice of my cousins Hansel and Gretel and round out my diet.
Uter: A steady regiment of breadcrumbs and houses!
Uter: Strange, all this talk of food is making me hungry.
Uter + Otto Walkthrough
The Magic Schoolbus (triggers if you've Otto)
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 7
Objective – Make Uter Sit Alone on the Bus Count at School Bus (4hrs)
Uter: I cannot wait to see all my school friends again.
Uter: I am sure they will be happy to see me again, too.
-After Objective Completion-
Otto: Whoa, little dude, I didn't even notice you sitting there.
Uter: You've been sitting on me for half an hour.
Otto: I thought you were a bean bag chair. I guess I solved the mystery of the screaming bean bag chair.
Uter: Oh wise bus driver, I feel so alone. My only friends are the ones I eat.
Otto: Whoa, dude, never eat your friends. If they're anything like Dave, they'll get super mad.
Hank Scorpio + Nelson Walkthrough
The Rule of Two Pt. 1 (triggers if you've Hank Scorpio)
Requirements: Level 45 and You Got Your Schokolade in My Erdnussbutter Pt. 3
Objective – Make Nelson Shake Down Nerds Count at SF Elementary (12hrs)
Objective – Make Hank Scorpio Reminisce Count at SF Elementary (12hrs)
Hank Scorpio: Ah, look at that big kid chase that pudgy kid. What a beautiful time in a young monster's life.
Nelson: Come back here, nerd!
Nelson: When I catch you, I'm going to give you an Indian burn so bad you'll open a casino.
Hank Scorpio: *sigh* Really takes you back. Reminds me of when I made Henry Kissinger pee his pants in pre-school.
Hank Scorpio: I think he was picking up his daughter.
The Rule of Two Pt. 2 (triggers if you've Hank Scorpio)
Requirements: Level 45 and The Rule of Two Pt. 1
Objective – Make Nelson Organize Bullying Count at SF Elementary (8hrs)
Objective – Make Hank Scorpio Oversee Bullying Program Count at SF Elementary (8hrs)
Hank Scorpio: Excuse me, Mister Muntz. Have you ever considered a career as a goon, a thug, or a hoodlum?
Nelson: Those were the exact careers listed on my career aptitude test.
Nelson: And US Senator.
Hank Scorpio: The world needs leaders, Nelson.
Hank Scorpio: And those leaders need faceless ruffians behind them to help stomp out the competition.
Hank Scorpio: What you need to do is create a program that you can organize in your own megalomaniacal image.
Nelson: You had me at megalomaniacal image.
Hank Scorpio: So the very end?
Nelson: I'm a slow learner.
-After Objective Completion-
Nelson: The Advanced Muntz Organization of Bullying, or A MOB, thanks you for your donation, doofus.
Nelson: Please enjoy these complimentary return address stickers that I've punched into your stomach.
Milhouse: *ooof* I feel better having donated to a deserving cause.
Hank Scorpio: Look at the little scamp go, punching stomachs and administering wedgies like a future Fortune 500 owner.
Hank Scorpio: What is this thing I'm feeling? Pride?...
Hank Scorpio: ...No, it's gas. Shouldn't have eaten that gas station sushi.
