Between2Worlds [Story] 06/04

Bullying resonates with me on a personal level. You've shown the effects of it very well. Will continue reading.

Thank you for the valuable feedback. The themes in this story are ones I hold dear - that includes bullying and all its variants. So I do hope I communicate them well. I'm not sure if you saw the main page of my blog (which I put a large warning) so if you haven't, I must warn you though that it is also this precise reason that you might not like where this story is headed. And if you do, feel free to stop anytime! Some of the comments I received of this story are dark, heavy and difficult to read. It's not so bad in the beginning I guess, but I don't want to have any reader go "I didn't sign up for this!" midway :D Anyway if you do decide to continue, I welcome your feedback anytime! :smile:

I've chosen to read your work by my own free will and thus will not blame you for your content. Have no fear. As for feedback - oh yes, I fully intend to give you all of it, be it positive or negative :)

I've reached chapter 5 and I have to say that I really praise your emphasis you Athena's isolation and exclusion. That her privileged life and all the gifts she has come with some very serious drawbacks. One can almost feel just how alone she feels.

I'm also very interested in this shadowy organisation and their business. So far it feels that this will be a deal with the devil, but I have to read and see.

I really like the way you've written Grim :-) With that said, I get the feeling that their jovial attitude is a mask to hide their guilt. After all, their job is collect souls. Souls of people who have someone who loves them, someone who doesn't want them gone.

Will post more later.

Thank you for your comment. The celebrity pack's media attention is really annoying and I thought the sims guru got that part really well. I can't imagine all the problem's they'd cause in a child growing in that environment. (inflated ego? Imposter syndrome? etc) I'm glad you saw her her loneliness. :)

Ahh you're spot on with Grimmy. I've always felt that the people who smile the brightest are the ones who have seen the worst. Hence why I made him jovial. Okay, I can make him apathetic and it would make sense but I like a happy Grim. He deserves to be happy. :lol:

Thank you for your thoughts! I like hearing them. :smile:

I have to say that so far I can't help but notice classic pattern of damsel-knight mechanic. While well disguised, t is rather obvious - a girl lives an unhappy life, then something happens, guy intervenes and she gets involved in life full of adventure and romance. Granted, Athena is not exactly a damsel-in-distress and Curtis is no knight, but it so noticeable. I have to give you credit for well designed disguise. The take on this formula is a lot darker that i usually is.

AS for chapter 6 by itself, I think that this school has a secret of some sort. Everything is just too good. Everyone are too friendly. Impossible. Too good to be true. If that is what it is on the face value, then it SEVERELY undermines Athena's character.

And another thing. Forgive me for this, but for some reason I found entire chapter 6 to be incredibly boring. Other chapters so far had twists, something to keep reader guessing. Here? Not so much.

Thank you for your honest feedback! Your observations are spot on as usual. I have thought about how overused the damsel-in distress theme is but decided to go ahead with it since it is my first writing and I wanted to do something I was familiar with. :D Yes, I'm sorry. I used to work in a very rough neighborhood and was very involved with the residents' lives. This story is reflective of that environment and things I've seen. I've cushioned it wherever I can.

Could you elaborate on " If that is what it is on the face value, then it SEVERELY undermines Athena's character"? I'm not too sure I understand this phrase and what it means.

And thank you for being candid. I hope it gets better in the next chapters (Usually I'll improve the next update but I've already published it :sweat_smile:) I'll definitely take on your advice for my current chapter. At the end of this story, which is right around the corner, I plan to take a step back and study where I can improve and what worked/didn't. So I'm grateful for your open feedback. It means a lot to me. :smile:

When I said "face value" and undermining Athena's character. I meant the school and attitude of the students there. But even more importantly, I thought of a character archetype "Mary Sue". Mary sue is a character who is talented, who has it all and everything goes their way. Let's look very carefully at what happened to Athena so far - she is talented, born to privilege, wants more, meets the guy who just so happens to be involved with people who can give her what she wants and do so, and the Curtis himself is not only interesting, but also good looking. If the school has no secret too it and it is ACTUALLY this good and people in it are this good, then it ALMOST makes Athena a Mary sue. Now granted, you've shown that she suffered bullying - something I understand all to well and endured fir the same amount of time as she did - and the deal she struck is clearly a deal with the devil - but she STILL was born to privilege and It DOES benefit her. Mot to mention that she is a mage by blood.

What I'm trying to say is this - if she is actually happy in this hew school, if everyone actually likes her (Yes, the do. I've read a bit more) then Athena has come up on top after all and her bullying past is not equal to what she's gotten. Basically so far I would call it a good bargain, thus making her tip-toe to being Mary Sue.

I understand that bullying is very very serious problem and I do understand what's it like to be an outcast and laughing stock of an entire town. I also remember that she's risked her life, but so far everything actually goes her way. Especially magic.

Don't take it a wrong way - I'm just a little nobody who thinks he knows what he's talking about. Besides - I didn't read the whole work yet.

I think the term Mary Sue may be a bit too much here. Yes, it does look like Athena has it all. But, at least in that case of being popular in school, she had to earn it. Granted, she was lucky to be friends with one of the most popular boys in school, but it could have gone the complete different direction. I actually had expected first she'd be bullied behind Kian's back, but it didn't happen, because the situation was averted by Kian and Athena (idk the details anymore I tend to forget xD).
And let's be honest, Athena was quite an ungrateful b*tch at first xD I really didn't like her. Ok, her father died, and she ended up being bullied, but she didn't make any effort to change it in the next school, and the next. And she closed out her mother and brother.
Now she finally got a chance to start fresh, and she took it and did it better this time. I think that shows character improvement, what Mary Sues usually don't have (bc they are perfect, so they don't need to, you know :smirk).

But also I have caught up reading to the last chapter, and I found that the story starts to really run from here, in chapter 6-7!