I don't even know what to call this

jeanbean0​  It looks like your computer doesn't have a graphics driver installed.  So please install the latest driver for your GPU.

If you don't know how to do that, or it doesn't help, please provide a dxdiag.  Click Windows key-R, enter dxdiag in the run box, wait for the scan to finish, click "Save all information," and save the file to your desktop.  From there, you can attach it to a reply using the paper clip (Attachment) icon included with the other formatting buttons.