I am Steamrolled the Same in a Bronze IV Lobby or a Casual Lobby

Let's start this out with something very, very important:

I am a trash player. Super. Trash.

But there used to be a time when Casual games would be for one of the following:

• Playing with friends who were far better than I, and thus unable to play ranked together with, or,
• To warm up a little bit so that I would do my best in Bronze

Even though I am a Bronze-equivalent player across pretty much all the games I have played over the last 30 years (Quake, Descent, Half Life DM, Half Life 2 DM, RtCW, TF2, Overwatch, Destiny, CSGO, Apex, etc.) I know that first person games will never be something that I am good at. The reason for that is because I've always had motor skill issues that revolve around tracking. When I was four, I was tested for a vision assessment alongside a battery of other tests, and it was noted that I had "difficulty following a target and maintaining fixation for more than a moment's time." While I've been able to work on the focal point during activities that engage motor skills, following targets has always been an issue. As a result, I did far better in other games that didn't demand aim as much, such as WoW, Diablo and other non-aiming games.

So I knew that when I would go into a ranked match in Bronze or Silver, I was going to be put against other people that were there for similar reasons. I had a great battle sense, and knew that I could urge teammates to disengage, circle around or otherwise play for advantage, and I would try to support them the best I could. Usually that was by playing Lifeline or some other support character that allowed me to be less dependent on aim-- more recently, that was Fuse. Having the lines showing where his Knuckle Cluster would go, alongside grenades, greatly improved my battle capability in Battle Royale.

Thus, I would try to suppress my weaknesses the best I could, to emphasize asymmetric combat in my team's favor. At one point with some consistent teammates, I made it to Platinum once. But I felt like I was being placed in games where I would be punished only for playing poorly, or for simply being outplayed by smaller margins. I was given a challenge and I felt like I was alongside peers of a sort.

The only thing I knew I needed to do was avoid the first week of each new split, and then go play ranked. Usually it resulted in a decent time, with some "usual" ups and downs.

And then this season came.

I've played several ranked games this season, some of which were alongside people whom I'd like to think were competent, and most of it was solo. Most of my queues into ranked were solo prior, too. And I've realized that there is no difference between the ranked lobby and the casual lobby, even at this low end of the totem pole. It sapped the fun from the game for me, and I'm increasingly alienated from the game.

I've worked really hard through my adult life to separate self-value from how well I do in games. In my childhood, the aforementioned issues caused a lot of problems with me being able to do things on the playground with my peers, and it was easy for them to make fun of me for whatever the game was. It's because I couldn't play them well-- basketball, tetherball, soccer, whatever it might have been, and I was absolutely decimated in those games unless I had a fluke of a nervous system day, which was once in a red moon. It would ultimately lead me to thinking, "Why play a game if you can't win? You're wasting your time and other people's time if you are not capable of a win."

Ultimately, I just needed to find where my limited skills with competition fit in.

I used to fit in at Bronze.

I don't fit in anymore.