An Alternate Slice of Reality

Overhead at the Brindleton Bay Detention Center phone room:

Listen, you scurvy - little - not -pulling-your-weight-in-this-story-scoundrel. I have just about had it with you. You are not the rising of the sun in this reality, and this reality doesn't revolve around your... ... .... . Look, I'm in a bit of a pickle here, and I need a favor from y- .... .... no. Absolutely not. I said no. I'm not ... ... Because I'm the author.... I'm the author. ... .... I'm the author.... what part of that do you not understand? .... I don't care.... look, don't make me send... .... ...... Well, yes, I will give you that,... I'd said I'll give you that.... but you owe me some compromise too.... .... ... You treacherous little piece of ..... ... .... ..... look, I know a man who raises bees in Evergreen Harbor who would do this job for free .... .... .... because he's doing something else right now, and I gave my word that I would not tell anyone what he is up to, but I assure you that it is far more worthwhile than what you are doing. ..... ...... ...... ..... Listen, all I've gotten from you is a few sassy quips about women in bars and a run on the bank in Brindleton Bay. The very least you could do for me is to .... .... ........ ..... ...... Alright, Alright, ... .... that's it. .... I'm going to send you on a date. No, no, ... a fancy one. With a tuxedo and flowers and dancing. Candlelight and all that soft romantic stuff. Yes... .... but here's the thing. I am going to make her boring. No.... really.... I am going to make her ever so dull and ever so boring. And there will be hand holding on the beaches of Sulani and moonlight swimming in Tartosa... ... and there will be no sabaac whatsoever, and you will pay for all of it. And she will be boring. Boring. Boring. Mind-numblingly not smart and boring. Yes, I can, because I have infinite power, who exactly do you think taught the Baroness how to travel like she ..., oh dear.... .... look, ..... ,.... no,.... no, I am not admitting to anything... ... ... .... ....listen .... .... listen to me........ .... well, if you must know, it has been a lot of colors. Brunette often, yes. .... .... Yes, yes, it was red once, and then pink by accident. I'd rather not discuss that, thank you very much. .... There was a bit of green, back during a rebellious time, but we live, and we learn, and we grow, and that is the important thing. ... ... .... Blonde, um, well, um, perhaps, yes at some point, but that is not.... look, ... she's going to be boring, vapid, and boring. And you will hate that. Because, well, you are just that kind of scoundrel .... .... ... ... Look, I won't do that particular thing, because, deep down, I am a nice person, bit peculiar, inclined to be a bit highstrung, but really nice at least 89% of the time, and while other authors would do that to you in a heartbeat, I am still very much a nice person. ... .... .... ... What?...... I'm sorry, what?...... ..... .... Alright, that's it. You've crossed my last nerve. ... yeah, you say that now. ... .... .... yeah, whatever.... * end of call