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LPNintendoITA
6 years ago

A Simpsons Christmas Special: Premium Walkthrough

Show Me the Dough Pt. 1

Auto starts

Laird Ladd: Boy howdy! I bet you're excited to lay eyes on a celebrity of my caliber, Mr. Donut Lover.
Homer: Who? What? Are you going to tell me a sob story then ask for a lot of money to take a bus?
Laird Ladd: No, I'm Laird Ladd, namesake and facesake, and when I was in better shape, bodysake of Lard Lad Donuts.
Homer: I heard that place is changing its name to just Lard Lad, getting rid of the "Donuts". They're going to make it more of a coffee place.
Laird Ladd: Getting rid of donuts?! The only reason we sold coffee is to give you something to dunk your donuts in. And to give you energy to eat the donuts. And to give you energy to start your day.
Laird Ladd: We need to get that corporation back into the donut game, and the only way to do that is by buying donuts!
Homer: I already buy a dozen each morning. And each evening. But maybe I could buy more if they were cheaper... or I had some coffee.
Laird Ladd: No coffee! But I'll see what I can do about making them cheaper.
System Message: For a limited time, get Donuts at a discount from the store!

Show Me the Dough Pt. 2

Auto starts

Laird Ladd: Hello again, friends! I'm back with more donuts!
Homer: Who are you? Oh, don't bother with the story. Here's sixty dollars for the bus.
Laird Ladd: No, it's me Laird Ladd of Lard Lad Donuts fame! And you'll be happy to know I convinced them to keep the word "Donuts" in the name!
Homer: How about eighty dollars? Is that enough for you to leave me alone.
Laird Ladd: What? No, I don't need your money. I just came to tell you the good news. And to celebrate, they're once again reducing the price of donuts!
Homer: Reduced price donuts?! Woo hoo! Can I borrow a hundred bucks? It's... uh... for bus fare.
System Message: Another donut sale is happening in the store. Get them now, because this Laird Ladd story has run out steam!

Knit Fits Pt. 1

Kathy from Personnel starts

Smithers: Hello, I'm here for the Introductory knitting class?
Kathy from Personnel: Please come in. I'll be your instructor. My name is---
Smithers: Kathy from Personnel!
Kathy from Personnel: Waylon Smithers. This here yarn store isn't big enough for the two of us.
Smithers: You don't scare me, yarnslinger. I came here for one reason -- to make ugly scarves no one wants as slowly as possible. And I reckon to.
Kathy from Personnel: You'll be begging for mercy before the first purl stitch.
Smithers: We'll just see about that. Icy silence, then?
Kathy from Personnel: Icy silence it is.

Task: Make Kathy Politely Ignore Smithers
Time: 4h
Location: Yarn Barn
If the user has Smithers: Task: Make Smithers Glare at Kathy
Time: 4h
Location: Yarn Barn

Krusty: Hey, hey! Let's knit, ladies!
Helen Lovejoy: Krusty the Clown?! You're a needle jockey?
Krusty: Nah. I heard the hipsters were into knitting, so I figured: there's my next desperate attempt to stay relevant.
Krusty: Hey, what's with the weird tension in the room?
Helen Lovejoy: Those two hate each other. It happens whenever a brash young thread-man saunters into town. There's bound to be a knit-down.
Krusty: You just can't avoid crazy in this town, can you?

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Knit Fits Pt. 2

Kathy from Personnel starts

Kathy from Personnel: And knit, and purl, and knit, and purl. Very good, Krusty!
Krusty: What are you seeing that I'm not, lady? I just sewed my arm to a tea cozy.
Kathy from Personnel: Now, now. You're making progress. Which is more than I can say for poor Waylon.
Smithers: I'm... not... giving up! Knit! Purl! Aaaugh!
Kathy from Personnel: Is that a warp, or a weft? I honestly can't tell!
Smithers: Those are parallel wales and courses, and you know it, you old bag!
Kathy from Personnel: My, my, Krusty. It appears Mr. Smithers is losing his patience, doesn't it?
Kathy from Personnel: Any time you want to turn tail, Waylon, there's the door.
Krusty: I am INSANELY attracted to you right now. That says something awful about my mental health, doesn't it?

Task: Make Kathy Demonstrate Knitting Technique
Time: 4h
Location: Yarn Barn
If the user has Krusty: Task: Make Krusty Tie His Yarn in Knots
Time: 4h
Location: Yarn Barn

Kathy from Personnel: Very good, students. With the exception of Mr. Smithers, I see a room full of budding mittenists and sweateristos.
Smithers: Really, old timer? Because I just smocked a slip-stitch and half-clustered an entire row of Fair-Isle.
Kathy from Personnel: *biggest gasp ever*
Helen Lovejoy: That's... that's impossible! I've never seen such raw talent!
Krusty: I don't understand a word, yet I can't tear my eyes off you glorious freaks!

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Knit Fits Pt. 3

Kathy from Personnel starts

Kathy from Personnel: Mr. Smithers! This lesson is for beginners only. I know a seasoned garter-stitcher when I see one.
Smithers: Sorry to disappoint you, but I've never clacked needles before today. It looks like human resources isn't the only field in which you're second-rate.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, the enmity! It's manna from heaven for my damaged soul!
Krusty: Hey crazies -- stop turning me on this instant! You're all so bats, I don't know who to fall in love with first!
Kathy from Personnel: I'm going to step outside for a tea break. When I come back, Waylon, we will settle this the old-fashioned way. Cable knit sweaters at twenty paces.

Task: Make Kathy Take a Tea Break
Time: 8h

Kathy from Personnel: I challenge you to a duel, Mr. Smithers!
Smithers: Challenge accepted. Choose... your... pattern.
Kathy from Personnel: Cable-knit crew necks. Size: extra-large.
Helen Lovejoy: Extra-large?! That's too much! They can't possibly survive!
Smithers: Very well. What color?
Kathy from Personnel: Gray.
Helen Lovejoy: No! There's not enough contrast! They'll die for sure! Heavens! *faints*

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Knit Fits Pt. 4

Kathy from Personnel starts

Kathy from Personnel: Having trouble attaching your sleeves, Waylon? Looks like you cast off a little early? Or did you drop a half-slip on your basketweave cast on?
Smithers: Are you blind? I'm pulling left into a quarter-cluster on a mock-smocking stockinette Bainsley tiedown re-cross.
Kathy from Personnel: But... that's impossible!
Krusty: Anyone have the slightest clue who's winning?
Helen Lovejoy: They're knitting at a level I've only seen in the movies!
Kathy from Personnel: I will not lose to this man! Eat my Farnsworth Reverse Studsley purl hitch-pull weekender moss-loop!
Krusty: SHE IS A GOLDEN GOD!!!!

Task: Make Kathy Pitch a Knit Fit
Time: 24h

Helen Lovejoy: I... I don't believe it. Two perfect sweaters, in under five minutes.
Krusty: I think they're dead. They gave their lives for clothing no one will ever wear. Because they're homemade. And who wants that?
Helen Lovejoy: Wait... I'm getting a pulse. Somehow, they're both alive!

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Knit Fits Pt. 5

Kathy from Personnel starts

Kathy from Personnel: We could have died, Waylon. Is our rivalry really worth that?
Smithers: Logically, no. But a body needs a workplace enemy. For better or for worse, you're mine.
Kathy from Personnel: My god, you're right. If I didn't have you to loathe, I wouldn't be so close with all my other coworkers. I suppose I should thank you.
Smithers: And I you.
Kathy from Personnel: *stares meaningfully into his eyes*
Smithers: *returns her gaze with manly directness*

Task: Make Kathy Passionately Embrace Smithers
Time: 8h
Location: Yarn Barn
If the user has Smithers: Task: Make Smithers Be Swept Away in the Moment
Time: 8h
Location: Yarn Barn

Smithers: What the hell just happened?
Kathy from Personnel: I... don't know. I have to tell you, I'm gay.
Smithers: Me too. And proud of it.
Kathy from Personnel: I guess when two people really, truly despise one another, the attraction is irresistible.
Smithers: That makes zero sense. Dumbest thing I ever heard.
Kathy from Personnel: Go to hell, Smithers.

Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 1

Circus Acrobat starts

Sideshow Bob: Jean-Pierre, the circus is dying. I need your very best at tonight's performance if we're to turn things around.
Circus Acrobat: But I have lost the will to tumble and cavort. Without zese, the acrobat is meaningless.
Sideshow Bob: Granted, sure, but wouldn't it be lovely to see this circus returned to its former glory?
Circus Acrobat: Glory is meaningless.
Sideshow Bob: A valid point. But I really, REALLY want to pack the audience full of Springfielders. So get out there and sell some tickets!
Circus Acrobat: I cannot do this. ‘Twould be humiliating to one such as I.
Sideshow Bob: Ah but one could argue, perhaps, that your pride is meaningless?
Circus Acrobat: Your logic, she is airtight. And very French. I will sell for you.

Task: Make Circus Acrobat Wheel and Deal Around Town
Time: 4h

Sideshow Bob: Well done, Jean-Pierre! You've sold five tickets.
Circus Acrobat: I found ze humiliation very instructive. I am made greater by my suffering.
Sideshow Bob: Of course. Say, I know a local family that numbers five. You didn't sell those tickets to... the Simpsons, perchance?
Circus Acrobat: Why? Is zere something special about ze Simpsons?
Sideshow Bob: Oh, no no no no no. I have no special plans for the Simpsons. Or their spirited son... Bart.

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 2

Circus Acrobat starts

Sideshow Bob: Jean-Pierre! What's happened to your act?! You can't just sit in a chair and smoke clove cigarettes!
Circus Acrobat: I am not ze dancing bear, to perform for money.
Sideshow Bob: That's EXACTLY what you are! Just... just swing on the trapeze a little!
Circus Acrobat: The trapeze is in ill repair. I could plummet to my death.
Sideshow Bob: So?! I thought you said life was meaningless?!
Circus Acrobat: You are wonderful at turning my intellectual posing against me. Very well. I trapeze.

Task: Make Circus Acrobat Fail at the Trapeze
Time: 4h
Location: Cirque De Puree

Circus Acrobat: How am I still alive? The rope, she break. And I fall. Only to discover ze net is made of zilly ztring and does nothing.
Sideshow Bob: An unfortunate trained seal broke your fall. At any rate, the crowd loved it!
Sideshow Bob: Word of your exploits is certain to reach the Simpsons, and they will bring Bart to me.
Circus Acrobat: You realize when you say the name “Bart Simpson”, your eyes, zey, how you say, “bug out” a bit.
Sideshow Bob: Yes, well, never mind that. Perfectly sane of me. Let's focus on putting you in even more peril tomorrow night!

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 3

Circus Acrobat starts

Circus Acrobat: I am not qualified to tame ze lions!
Sideshow Bob: Nonsense, nothing to it. You and the lions will get along famously, provided you show not an ounce of fear.
Circus Acrobat: Zere-in lies the problem. Zhough I long for ze oblivion of death, I am, at the same time, a humongous coward.
Sideshow Bob: *gives a big push* In you go!

Task: Make Circus Acrobat Run From Lions
Time: 8h
Location: Cirque De Puree

Circus Acrobat: It is true what zhey say about being mauled by lions: “ouch”.
Sideshow Bob: It was lucky I had these band aids for you, or that might have been serious.
Circus Acrobat: Tell me something: why is it so important to you to lure Bart Simpson to ze circus?
Sideshow Bob: So that I can kill him, of course!
Circus Acrobat: You wish to kill a child?
Sideshow Bob: Bart is HARDLY a child. He's ten. Well within legal killing age.

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 4

Circus Acrobat starts

Circus Acrobat: What did zhis Bart Simpson ever do to you?
Sideshow Bob: Plenty. For starters, he never lets me kill him. VERY frustrating...
Circus Acrobat: Okaaaayyy.... But what did he do to deserve death in ze first place?
Sideshow Bob: Well, he... uh, that is... funny, I can't really remember...
Sideshow Bob: I'm sure it will come to me. Keep working on your act. Time is short, and our cause is a noble one!

Task: Make Circus Acrobat Practice Death Defying Feats
Time: 12h

Circus Acrobat: I have decided -- I will not use my circus skills to aid in Bart Simpson's murder.
Sideshow Bob: Perhaps you will agree to use them if I point this gun at you?
Circus Acrobat: Sir, if you are asking me to choose my life over zhat of an innocent child, the answer is an enthusiastic yes!

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 5

Circus Acrobat starts

Sideshow Bob: He's here! Bart Simpson is in the audience! At last, my fingers will close ‘round his neck and choke the very life from--
Circus Acrobat: Murder, she will not bring you ze happiness, friend.
Sideshow Bob: “Friend”? If you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep our relationship on a purely homicidal maniac/helpless pawn footing.
Circus Acrobat: I would have hoped for more, but under ze circumstances, I will take what I can get.
Sideshow Bob: I thank you. Truly. Have a great show.
Circus Acrobat: Have a great murder.

Task: Make Circus Acrobat Perform at the Circus
Time: 24h
Location: Cirque De Puree

Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson is gone! Just as I was to reach up from beneath his bleacher seat, the entire family left!
Circus Acrobat: Oui, monsieur. You forgot ze first rule of the circus: ze circus is dull, and anyone with half a brain walks out right quick.
Circus Acrobat: I think zhey had some alternate quests to complete, anyway. It is a busy month around here.
Sideshow Bob: When?! When will I have my revenge!
Circus Acrobat: As soon as TV audiences consider it a funny story for a grown man to kill a little boy, zhen you will have your revenge.
Sideshow Bob: Oh. So any day now!

Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

Circus of Values Pt. 1

Auto starts

Marge: Just a minute, Lisa. I need to stop at the Kwik-E-Mart for milk.
Lisa: Mom, the Kwik-E-Mart is all the way across town. And there's a store right here.
Marge: Huh. You'd think I'd know every store in Springfield by now, but I don't recognize this one.
Lisa: Yeah, well, buildings drop out of the sky pretty fast around here. In case you hadn't noticed.
Marge: Come on, let's check it out.

Task: Make Marge Hunt for Deals
Time: 4h
Location: Circus of Values

On job start:
Marge: Oh my goodness, did you see the price of this milk? Three cents less than at the Kwik-E-Mart!
Lisa: Uh, Mom? You do realize that convenience stores like the Kwik-E-Mart are the worst, most expensive place to shop for groceries.
Marge: And the paper towels! So many different brands to choose from!
Lisa: I've been meaning to discuss this with you for a long time. Over the years, we've probably wasted thousands of dollars buying groceries from Apu.
Lisa: It's not like we're rich. But we almost never seem to go to an actual supermarket. What's the deal with that?
Marge: Sponges are on sale, too. Hurry Lisa!

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

Circus of Values Pt. 2

Auto starts

Lisa: Mom, I've never seen anyone so excited over mustard.
Marge: I... I just never knew there were multiple kinds. Apu only carries the one brand.
Lisa: YOU'RE THIRTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT?
Marge: Oooh, look! They have buns made specially for hot dogs! You don't just have to squish up hamburger buns!
Marge: Did you know that was a thing?!
Lisa: YES. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

Task: Make Marge Go Shopping
Time: 4h
Location: Circus of Values

Marge: Sorry about that, sweetie. Okay, I'm done shopping. Let's go.
Lisa: ...Wait, where are your bags?
Marge: Oh, I didn't buy anything. I could never betray Apu by shopping somewhere else.
Lisa: What? Why not?! You can see that the prices are much better than at Kwik-E-Mart. Don't you want to save money?
Marge: Honey, Apu is our friend.
Lisa: A friend who gouges you on a vastly inferior range of products.
Marge: Adult friendships are complicated, okay?

Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

The Screens Pt. 1

Auto starts

Marge: Everybody ready to leave for the movies? It's been ages since I've seen a good love story.
Patty: Probably ages since you've lived one, too.
Selma: *laughs* Did you get that, Marge? It was a dig at your husband. Homer.
Homer: Hey! At least have the respect to hold your tongues until you're out of my house.
Patty: Why? You wouldn't hear us then.
Marge: You know, these jokes are actually getting old, ladies.
Homer: Not as old as the ladies themselves!

Task: Make Marge Try to Keep the Peace
Time: 4h
Location: The Screens

Marge: I've had it with all the wisenheimery, you three. It ends now!
Patty: *sniff*
Selma: *tch*
Homer: What the ugly crones said!

Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

The Screens Pt. 2

Auto starts

Marge: If the people I love can't get along, what am I supposed to do?
Patty: Have you ever considered replacing Homer with an obese bulldog? The kids would never know the difference.
Selma: You could give it a really stupid name. Like “Homer”.
Homer: Homer is not a stupid name! It's the name of a boring old poet who wrote a story so good they turned it into a Brad Pitt movie!
Marge: That does it! I'm not wasting a babysitter and my going-out-dress on this nonsense. I'm going to the movies alone!

Task: Make Marge Take Herself On a Date
Time: 8h
Location: The Screens

Marge: Have you all finally worked out your disagreements, or should I go back for a double feature?
Selma: Hey, if you want to look at Homer's chin, you could just stay here.
Patty: “Double feature”. Good one.
Marge: It is NOT a good one! It's a slight variation on the same joke you've been boring me with for years.
Homer: Patty is a slight variation on the Selma that's been boring me for years.
Homer: ...
Homer: Admittedly, not my best effort. But that doesn't mean it's not true!

Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
  • LPNintendoITA's avatar
    LPNintendoITA
    6 years ago
    Young Marge Gil Promo

    Gil starts

    Gil: Tis’ the season of blessings and also regrets, and oh boy does Ol’ Gil have regrets!
    Gil: So many regrets that The Ghost of Christmas Past visits me every year, but this time around he made me a special deal.
    Gil: He’ll stop visiting me, and in exchange I can offer you special deals on blast from the past characters!
    Gil: And boy do I have the gal for you – Young Marge!

    Offer accepted:
    Gil: Thanks pal!
    Gil: It’ll be a very merry Christmas for Ol’ Gil.

    Offer declined:
    Gil: If I could afford it I’d give you a stocking full of coal!
    Gil: But if I had a stocking full of coal I’d be burning it for warmth.

    Roller Girl Riot Pt. 1

    Young Marge starts

    Young Marge: I didn't know you liked roller skating, Artie.
    Young Artie Ziff: Roller skating is dancing on skates, and dance is a language I speak fluently. Like the language of love!
    Young Marge: Well, uh, sure. Just give me a second to remember how to do this...
    Young Artie Ziff: Take all the time you need. Meanwhile, I will make sure every girl in here is jealous of you.
    Young Artie Ziff: Because you are the lucky consort of Roller Ziff!

    Task: Make Young Marge Nervously Try to Roller Skate
    Time: 4h
    Location: Roller Rink
    If the user has Young Artie Ziff: Task: Make Young Artie Show Off Outrageously
    Time: 4h
    Location: Roller Rink

    On job start:
    Young Barney: Whoa, I think Artie Ziff is having a seizure. Maybe we should help him out.
    Teenage Homer: Never mind him. Who's the babe he's with? She glides like a wobbly angel.
    Young Barney: She's a dish, all right. Maybe I should say hello.
    Teenage Homer: Ooh, bad idea Barn. Remember how I explained that women don't like you, for myriad valid reasons?
    Young Barney: Oh, right. I forgot.
    Teenage Homer: Whereas I am certified, primo babe-nip. I wish it were different, but that's just the way of things.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Roller Girl Riot Pt. 2

    Young Marge starts

    Young Marge: I think I'll take a little break, Artie. My ankles are sore.
    Young Artie Ziff: You only get so many chances in life to skate with the Baryshnikov of the rink. Don't let one pass you by!
    Young Marge: I really need to sit.
    Young Artie Ziff: I won't let you miss out on me! *grabs Marge's hand*
    Young Marge: I said no! Quit bossing me around! I don't need a man telling me what to do, I'm an independent woman!

    Task: Make Young Marge Assert Her Independence
    Time: 8h

    Young Artie Ziff: My dear, by asserting your independence, you only prove how desperately you require the guiding hand of a strong male.
    Young Marge: *pushes Artie away * Why don't you go take a lap to cool off!
    Young Artie Ziff: *shrieks while sailing away* You're making a grievous error!
    Young Barney: That girl's got real backbone.
    Teenage Homer: She's amazing! Stand back, Barn, and watch me win her heart!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Roller Girl Riot Pt. 3

    Auto starts

    Teenage Homer: Okay, Barn. The way I'm gonna win her heart is, you go up to her and tell her all about how great I am.
    Young Barney: Whoa. You are one smooooooth operator, Homer.
    Teenage Homer: I truly have all the right moves, don't I?
    Young Marge: I can't believe that Artie Ziff, who does he think he is?!
    Young Barney: Excuse me pretty lady, but can I tell you about a special young man in my life? His name is--
    Young Marge: I've had it up to here with special young men, thank you!

    Task: Make Young Marge Ignore Young Barney
    Time: 4h
    Location: Roller Rink
    If the user has Young Barney: Task: Make Young Barney Have Flashbacks to All His Rejections
    Time: 4h
    Location: Roller Rink

    Young Marge: By the time I get through with Artie Ziff, he'll know the true meaning of an independent woman!
    Teenage Homer: Barney, what happened? Did she sound interested when you talked me up?
    Young Barney: I couldn't get a word in edgewise! I'm sorry, Homer. I'm just not the ladies' man you are.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Roller Girl Riot Pt. 4

    Auto starts

    Young Artie Ziff: Margery, if you're prepared to offer me an apology, then I most graciously accept. Lucky you!
    Young Marge: Me apologize? You have no respect for women!
    Young Artie Ziff: You know perfectly well that I call myself a feminist. And if a smart guy like me considers Artie Ziff a feminist, he must be one!
    Young Artie Ziff: Clearly, society would crumble into the sea if women were allowed to operate free of men's oversight.
    Young Marge: If you honestly think you're a feminist, you've got another thing coming.
    Young Artie Ziff: “Think”. The expression is, “You've got another think coming.” Women.

    Task: Make Young Marge Debate About Feminism
    Time: 8h
    Location: Roller Rink
    If the user has Young Artie Ziff: Task: Make Young Artie Mansplain Feminism
    Time: 8h
    Location: Roller Rink

    Young Artie Ziff: I guess we're just two ardent feminists who don't quite see eye-to-eye. Now take my hand and we'll skate a lap of sisterhood.
    Young Marge: Not until you admit that I just debated you into the ground.
    Young Artie Ziff: I have never lost a debate, and CERTAINLY never to a girl.
    Young Marge: That's WOMAN to you! *pushes Artie as hard as she can around the rink*

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Roller Girl Riot Pt. 5

    Young Marge starts

    Young Marge: I'm not going to let that...that little boy ruin my night!
    Young Marge: I'm a proud, independent woman, and the last thing I need is a man to show me how to skate!

    Task: Make Young Marge Skate Her Heart Out
    Time: 12h

    Teenage Homer: She's just so beautiful, isn't she? With that hair, and those legs, and that furious scowl...
    Young Marge: Coming through! *knocks Homer down*
    Young Barney: Whoa! Homer, are you all right?
    Teenage Homer: Barney, I was just clotheslined by an angel. I've never been better!

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Anchors Away Pt. 1

    Don Brodka starts

    Don Brodka: Well Don, this is the end of the line for you.
    Don Brodka: I gave the Try-N-Save the best years of my life. Stopped a hundred shoplifters from committing heinous, grisly misdemeanors.
    Don Brodka: All to wind up here. Taking the only job I could find -- night guard at an anchor store.
    Don Brodka: Sure, it's the best anchor store in town. Hankerin' for Anchorin' and Anchor Notions just can't compete.
    Don Brodka: Still, it somehow feels like a step down.

    Task: Make Don Brodka Stare at Anchors
    Time: 4h
    Location: Anchor Management

    Squeaky Voice Teen: Good morning, sir! How was the night shift?
    Don Brodka: ‘Bout 3AM, a bird landed on the big anchor. I grabbed it for questioning, but it played dumb. I let it go with a warning.
    Squeaky Voice Teen: Great Scott! The big anchor is missing! We've been robbed!
    Don Brodka: What?! I've been staring at it all night!
    Don Brodka: Who? Who could possibly make off with that massive anchor?!
    Squeaky Voice Teen: I'll tell you who. The man, the myth, the legend - The Sea Captain!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Anchors Away Pt. 2

    Don Brodka starts

    Don Brodka: Sea Captain?! Why would HE want an anchor?
    Squeaky Voice Teen: Uh, for his boat?
    Don Brodka: Anchors are for boats? I guess I should have done some research before taking this gig.
    Squeaky Voice Teen: They say the Sea Captain was raised by a kraken, and sails a ship made from the bones of lost sailors.
    Squeaky Voice Teen: Others say he's a lonely former mailman who wears a captain's hat as a conversation starter. Either way... spooky stuff!
    Don Brodka: Kid, you need to lay off the glue. Let's check out the surveillance tape.

    Task: Make Don Brodka Check Surveillance Footage
    Time: 8h

    Don Brodka: One minute the anchor is there, the next it's gone! Impossible!
    Squeaky Voice Teen: It's the magic of the sea.
    Don Brodka: There's no such thing as sea magic. Only land magic. Magic stops at the shore, idiot.
    Don Brodka: What do they teach you kids in school nowadays?
    Don Brodka: Well, I am NOT getting fired twice in the same week. Let's talk to this sea captain!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Anchors Away Pt. 3

    Don Brodka starts

    Don Brodka: Kid, hang back while I shake down the old man. And watch out -- once he knows we're onto him, he may swallow the anchor to hide his crime.
    Squeaky Voice Teen: It weighs twenty tons.
    Don Brodka: I once cornered a shoplifter who swallowed three eyewitnesses before I could react.
    Don Brodka: Your hardcore thieves are all first-rate swallowers.

    Task: Make Don Brodka Perform an Interrogation
    Time: 8h
    Location: Anchor Management
    If the user has Sea Captain: Task: Make Sea Captain be One Slippery Fish
    Time: 8h
    Location: Anchor Management

    On job start:
    Don Brodka: Sea Captain! Paid any visits to the anchor store lately?
    Sea Captain: Yarrr. I, too, be interested in the disappearances there.
    Sea Captain: Beware, Brodka. There's deviltry afoot. Anchor Management be a cursed and wretched place.
    Don Brodka: Uh-huh. By the way, is it true you used to be a mailman?
    Sea Captain: Aye. Forty-three years I cruised the neighborhood of Elmwood Heights. ‘Tis a cursed and wretched place, too.
    Don Brodka: Any places NOT cursed and wretched, you figure?
    Sea Captain: Portland's not TOO cursed and wretched. I been there one time. Good food, nice bookstores.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Anchors Away Pt. 4

    Don Brodka starts

    Don Brodka: That salty dog as good as admitted he's our man, but we need to catch him in the act.
    Squeaky Voice Teen: You're dealing with powers you can't possibly understand, Mr. Brodka!
    Don Brodka: The only thing that scares me is unsolved crimes. Spiders aren't great, and the dream where I'm skydiving but my parachute won't open is pretty bad, too.
    Don Brodka: But mainly unsolved crimes.
    Squeaky Voice Teen: *ack* He's back! Returned to the scene of the crime to curse us with his nautical necromancy!
    Don Brodka: Oh no he doesn't.Tail him!

    Task: Make Don Brodka Tail a Shoplifter
    Time: 4h
    Location: Anchor Management

    Squeaky Voice Teen: Five more anchors are missing!
    Don Brodka: Sea Captain! Tell me what you know! No more riddles!
    Sea Captain: I bet it never occurred to you to lick one of the anchors you guard, did it?
    Don Brodka: I must be slipping. Usually, licking the merchandise is the first step in any serious investigation.
    Don Brodka: *licks anchor* Hmm... tastes sweet. Is this... spun sugar?

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Anchors Away Pt. 5

    Don Brodka starts

    Sea Captain: Anchor Management been cutting corners, making their anchors not from steel, but from sugar.
    Don Brodka: And every morning, the sprinklers dissolve the sugar-anchors! Why didn't I think of that?!
    Sea Captain: Probably because it's a pretty dumb idea.
    Sea Captain: Thanks to this evil, the yachts and powerboats of a hundred retired doctors have been set adrift, dashed on the rocks.
    Don Brodka: Humanity... what a joke.

    Task: Make Don Brodka Struggle With the Weight of the World
    Time: 12h

    Don Brodka: I'm sorry I doubted you, Sea Captain.
    Sea Captain: It's not yer fault, lad. I never would have believed humanity capable of such evil, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
    Sea Captain: I no longer understand the land world It's time to return to the sea, and my fish girlfriend.
    Don Brodka: You mean... you're dating a mermaid?
    Sea Captain: I meant exactly what I said.

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Igloo Mansion Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Mr. Burns: Some people spend their fortunes building affordable housing for the needy.
    Mr. Burns: I build wildly expensive housing for myself that will melt come spring and wash all the needy far away from me.
    Smithers: Truly, sir, you have the soul of a poet.
    Mr. Burns: I don't think he was a poet. He did something in insurance, I think.
    Smithers: Excuse me?
    Mr. Burns: You said I had a soul. And I do, in a phylactery over on the shelf, there. But it's former owner wasn't a poet.
    Smithers: Oh. My mistake.
    Mr. Burns: *ring ring* Hmm. What's that strange ringing sound?
    Smithers: I believe it's the doorbell. Shall I answer it?
    Mr. Burns: I'll get it. I want to let some air in. It's freezing in here.

    Task: Reach Level 11 and Build the Control Building
    Task: Make Mr. Burns Answer the Igloo Door
    Time: 4h
    Location: Igloo Mansion

    On job start:
    Mr. Burns: Yes, yes, what is it?
    Ralph: Hey Mister, I have to go potty! Can I use your bathroom?
    Mr. Burns: Hmmm. Let me think.
    Mr. Burns: ...
    Mr. Burns: I'm going to say “no.” If I let you use my bathroom, that would make you feel better, right?
    Ralph: Yes, sir.
    Mr. Burns: Then definitely not. I didn't crush generations of workers under my boot to just turn around and start being nice to people.
    Mr. Burns: You have to be consistent in this life. That's my whole deal.
    Smithers: Sir, I believe that the boy is seconds away from going to the bathroom on your front porch.
    Mr. Burns: Oho, playing hardball, eh? Very well. Pleas for help do nothing for me. Ruthless negotiating tactics I can respect. The bathroom is yours.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Igloo Mansion Pt. 2

    Auto starts

    Mr. Burns: You should be honored to be invited in, small person. You're only the third person to set eyes on my marvelous creation.
    Ralph: Your house is chilly. Don't you have money for heat?
    Mr. Burns: *sputter* This is an igloo you buffoon, if I turn the heat on it will melt straight away.
    Ralph: Then it's a dumb idea for a house.
    Mr. Burns: No it isn't. It's smart.

    Task: Make Mr. Burns Have a Childish Argument
    Time: 4h
    Location: Igloo Mansion

    On job start:
    Ralph: Dumb.
    Mr. Burns: Smart.
    Ralph: Dumb.
    Mr. Burns: Smart.
    Smithers: Would you like me to see our guest out, sir?
    Mr. Burns: Not until I've won this argument. Smart.
    Ralph: Dumb times infinity.
    Mr. Burns: Drat!

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Boat House Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Sea Captain: Yarrrr! Take cover, ye land lubbers, and pray to whatever gods ye hold! There be a nor'easter blowing in!
    Homer: We're all gonna die!
    Homer: ...he said, not knowing what a “nor'easter” is, but assuming the worst...
    Marge: It means a big storm.
    Sea Captain: A tempest that devours all, gorging on the souls of the damned! Sending ships and fish alike to watery graves!
    Marge: In that case, we might want to stock up on extra batteries.
    Sea Captain: Aye, and canned veggies, too! Plus, it's always sensible to have a gas-powered generator on hand! They be affordable!
    Sea Captain: Not that it will do ye any good when the kraken fixes its gaze upon ye...

    Task: Make Sea Captain Terrify With Tales of the Deep
    Time: 4h
    Location: Boat House

    Sea Captain: I've seen the kraken tear mighty vessels asunder with its tentacles. ‘Twas in a movie whose name escapes me at the moment.
    Sea Captain: But Keanu Reeves was miscast as the ship's captain. Of that I be sure!
    Homer: Can the kraken get into our house? So long as we don't invite him in, he can't enter, right?
    Marge: Homer, krakens are a myth. Besides, they live in the sea. We're on land.
    Homer: What about when I take a bath? Can the kraken get me there?!
    Sea Captain: Well, it didn't happen in the film, but sure, probably. I imagine the kraken would like nothing better than to pull you to the icy depths of the tub.
    Marge: Stop scaring my husband!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Boat House Pt. 2

    Auto starts

    Sea Captain: The fools doubt that the kraken be real.
    Sea Captain: But I keep vigil from the prow of my boat house, ready to raise the alarm when the creature rises.
    Sea Captain: The threat of the sea is all too real when one lives on water that is almost five feet deep.

    Task: Make Sea Captain Look Through His Spyglass
    Time: 8h
    Location: Boat House

    Sea Captain: I saw it!
    Homer: The kraken?!
    Sea Captain: Yarrr. It beat the sea into a froth, commanding the wind and rain with primal sorcery.
    Sea Captain: I stared calmly into its hundred eyes speaking incantations in a long-dead tongue, casting it back to the deeps.
    Sea Captain: And that's why the nor-easter petered out and all we got was a light drizzle.
    Marge: So I don't need all these batteries I bought, huh?
    Sea Captain: Yarrr. You can never have enough batteries. Bit of old sea wisdom for ye.

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
  • LPNintendoITA's avatar
    LPNintendoITA
    6 years ago
    Stranding at Attention Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Grampa: Kids, did I ever tell you about the time I stopped a mutiny aboard a World War II Navy aircraft carrier?
    Lisa: Is this the one that ends with you wrestling Godzilla in Madison Square Garden?
    Grampa: No, and that story wasn't entirely true. See, I told you that one when I was younger and much more senile than I am now.
    Grampa: No, this happened when I was a handsome, young buck, living my best Navy Life.
    Grampa: I'd been assigned a top secret mission by my Commander. *flashback harp*
    Young Grampa Simpson: I won't let you down, sir! Tojo will be shaking in his boots when he sees what I've done!

    Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Swab the Deck
    Time: 1h
    Location: Squidport Entrance or Homes

    Young Grampa Simpson: Mission accomplished, sir! Awaiting further instructions!
    Grampa: That was when I saw a sight so horrible it will be forever etched in my memory.
    Bart: *chanting* Dead body, dead body, dead body!
    Grampa: A grown man suffering terrible food poisoning in the water closet!
    Lisa: *ewww* Grampa!
    Young Grampa Simpson: Sir! I will never forget your sacrifice! I'll see that you get the Purple Heart for this!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Stranding at Attention Pt. 2

    Auto starts

    Grampa: With my C.O. out of commission, that left me in command.
    Grampa: I immediately set to the task at hand: becoming drunk with power. *flashback harp*
    Young Grampa Simpson: Here's the situation, Abe. Some people achieve greatness, some people have greatness thrust upon them by undercooked chicken.
    Young Grampa Simpson: Swabbing platoon B! I am assuming command! Report for duty!

    Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Use His Commander Voice
    Time: 4h
    Location: Squidport Entrance or Brown House

    On job start:
    Young Grampa Simpson: Atten-hut! Men, your commanding officer is down. As of this moment, I am in charge.
    Young Grampa Simpson: Some of you look at this deck and think: “Hey, that looks pretty well swabbed”.
    Young Grampa Simpson: You think: “We've been swabbing for twelve hours, and Navy regulations require we be allowed to sleep”.
    Young Grampa Simpson: But I look at this deck, and I think: “If I work these men even harder, maybe the boss will promote me, so screw these guys”.
    Young Grampa Simpson: So whaddya say, men? Are you ready to sacrifice everything for my benefit?
    Young Grampa Simpson: Hello? Men? *whistles* Yo, anybody out there?

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Stranding at Attention Pt. 3

    Auto starts

    Grampa: I was getting nowhere with these layabouts. It was time to properly motivate them.
    Young Grampa Simpson: Alright boys, I've hidden the key to the Mess Hall. No one gets dinner until this deck shines like the Captain's rear end after I'm done kissing it!
    Grampa: Well, I'm proud to say the men respected my authority, and they fell right in line.

    Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Run From Sailors
    Time: 4h
    Location: Squidport Entrance or Brown House

    Young Grampa Simpson: Boys, we can work this out! Why don't you all put me down, and we can discuss fine tuning my management style?
    Grampa: And that was when I learned that even if you're in the middle of the ocean far from any discernable land mass...
    Grampa: If you make the fellas mad enough, they'll find a sand bar to strand you on.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Stranding at Attention Pt. 4

    Auto starts

    Grampa: Stranded on a desert island by my crew, I knew I was facing the very real possibility of sunburn.
    Lisa: Also thirst and starvation.
    Grampa: That's when my eyes fell upon my salvation: sharks. *flashback harp*
    Young Grampa Simpson: Yoo-hoo! Over here, sharks! First one to offer me a ride gets all the mutineers he can eat!

    Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Get Jumped by the Shark
    Time: 12h

    Grampa: That was when I learned the terrible truth about sharks -- they do not honor verbal contracts.
    Young Grampa Simpson: Hey, I asked for a RIDE, you idiot shark. Not a mauling!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Stranding at Attention Pt. 5

    Auto starts

    Grampa: So then the men rescued me and the rest of the story is really boring. The end!
    Bart: Nuh-uh, Grampa. Any story you don't want to tell us is one I want to hear.
    Grampa: Fine. What's a little more humiliation at my age anyway, just a drop in the ol' catheter. *flashback harp*
    Young Grampa Simpson: Now men, I realize we've had slight disagreements over my leadership style.
    Young Grampa Simpson: But seeing as how you tried to kill me, and would love another crack at it, maybe I could make you dinner?

    Task: Make Young Grampa Simpson Peel Potatoes
    Time: 24h

    Young Grampa Simpson: This is the last time I'll ever peel a potato! *flash-forward harp*
    Grampa: And it was. From then on, I made my wife peel the potatoes. Until she left me. Then, no potatoes ever again.
    Grampa: Man, I miss potatoes.
    Grampa: Oh, right. And then I wrestled Godzilla in Madison Square Garden. The end.

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 1

    Young Artie Ziff starts

    Young Artie Ziff: In conclusion, "public displays of affection" are detrimental to a high school's mission, which is education. They should be outlawed and punishable by immediate expulsion.
    Chalmers: Well put, Artie. And now, taking the “pro” side in this debate... Marge Bouvier.
    Young Marge: While my opponent makes some excellent points, he ignores the fact that we are inherently emotional beings.
    Young Artie Ziff: Not all of us! As an evolved teenager, my thought processes are entirely logical.
    Young Marge: We students are supposed to be learning about all aspects of life. And one of those is surely love.
    Young Artie Ziff: Love is a chemical process in the brain designed to prompt organisms to reproduce. Right, my fellow teenagers?
    Chalmers: An insightful and chilling argument, Mr. Ziff. I'm impressed and disturbed.

    Task: Make Young Artie Try to Counter the Argument
    Time: 4h
    Location: Springfield High School, Springfield Library or Brown House

    On job start:
    Young Artie Ziff: Seriously, Marge. I must have missed “Introduction to Love” in the school course guide.
    Young Marge: If you've never experienced love, Artie, then maybe you don't know EVERYTHING.
    Young Artie Ziff: An interesting proposition. Very well. I shall open myself to the feeling of love.
    Young Artie Ziff: There! I have just retasked a region of my neocortex to run algorithms based on emotion, not logic.
    Young Artie Ziff: Oh my stars. Look at those waves of blue hair. Look at those limpid eyes. Marge Bouvier is the embodiment of perfection!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 2

    Young Artie Ziff starts

    Young Artie Ziff: What's come over me? Yesterday I was just your average, unfeeling, smartest teenager in the world.
    Young Artie Ziff: Today my heart is pounding! I hear music that defies all description!
    Young Artie Ziff: Everywhere I look, Marge Bouvier is there. I'm lost! A Ziff adrift!
    Young Marge: I enjoyed our debate today, Artie! You're really smart.
    Young Artie Ziff: I-I-I-I. Oh. Hmm. That is... er... der... duh... duuuuhhhhh....
    Young Marge: ...
    Young Artie Ziff: Guuuuhhhhhh...

    Task: Make Young Artie Be Tongue-Tied for the First Time
    Time: 4h
    Location: Springfield High School, Springfield Library or Brown House

    Young Marge: Are you okay, Artie?
    Young Artie Ziff: For the first time in my life, yes! How shall I put this? My very loins are aflame with the inferno of masculine desire.
    Young Marge: Uh, okay! Whatever that means! Like I said, you're a real smart guy. See ya around!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 3

    Young Artie Ziff starts

    Young Artie Ziff: Get your head together, Ziff! Find something to take your mind off Marge.
    Young Artie Ziff: Perhaps I should prove the Riemann hypothesis? No, too easy. I need something meatier...
    Young Artie Ziff: I could perfect my cold fusion device. No, the last thing the world needs is limitless clean energy...
    Young Artie Ziff: What about some painting? Ah, yes. Painting, like joke writing, is truly mankind's most complete waste of time.
    Young Artie Ziff: Out into the garden for some fresh air and sunlight!

    Task: Make Young Artie be Creatively Creepy
    Time: 4h
    Location: Marge Sculpture Garden

    Young Artie Ziff: *sigh* Painting is no use. Even my highly refined brushwork and impeccable gouache cannot capture Marge's beauty.
    Young Artie Ziff: If I cannot escape her siren call, then I must make her mine.
    Young Artie Ziff: I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to have won the heart of Artie Ziff?!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 4

    Auto starts

    Chalmers: Artie, Marge. I want a good clean debate today. No mocking each other.
    Young Marge: Why would I mock Artie?
    Chalmers: Well, like you, he takes debate class, which makes him a tremendous nerd. Again, like you. Anyway... get us started, Artie.
    Young Artie Ziff: Thank you, Mr. Chalmers. Beautiful Margery, prepare to experience the greatest joy a woman can know...
    Young Artie Ziff: Having a man tell her she's wrong about everything!

    Task: Make Artie Ziff Dominate at Debate
    Time: 8h
    Location: Springfield High School or Brown House

    Young Artie Ziff: In conclusion, let me reiterate that string theory, though a useful thought experiment, is ultimately unverifiable and therefore moot!
    Chalmers: Marge, rebuttal.
    Young Marge: I... I thought we were debating whether pollution was bad?
    Young Artie Ziff: Well, yes. But I thought you deserved to be dazzled by my grasp of abstract mathematical theory. You're welcome!
    Young Marge: Actually, I was... a little bored.
    Young Artie Ziff: By Artie Ziff? Impossible!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 5

    Auto starts

    Young Artie Ziff: Margery, I have wonderful news. I'm... interested in you. Congratulations! You are hereby approved to date me, Artie Ziff.
    Young Marge: Oh. Uh, Artie, I didn't realize your feelings ran that way...
    Young Artie Ziff: Well, they do! Your every wish is thus fulfilled, and your future is assured. You will not die alone. How splendid for you!
    Young Marge: Gee, I'm really not sure I'm interested...
    Young Artie Ziff: Then you soon shall be! Behold, the full glory of Artie Ziff!

    Task: Make Young Artie Dance Like Marge is Watching
    Time: 24h

    Young Artie Ziff: *panting* Shall we... shall we start planning the wedding?
    Young Marge: You seem very sure of yourself.
    Young Artie Ziff: Wouldn't you be, if you were me? Of course, if you WERE me, we'd make an even cuter couple!
    Young Marge: ...I'm sorry, Artie. But the man I marry will be a gentleman AND a scholar. And he'll have a full head of hair and washboard abs. *walks off*
    Young Artie Ziff: *yelling down the hall* You'll come around, Margery! Oh yes, you will! Or my name isn't Artie Ziff!

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 1

    Young Barney starts

    Young Barney: Welcome to my uncle's chalet, Homer! Isn't it great?
    Teenage Homer: The word “chalet” implies a hot tub and girls who ski in bikini tops for some wonderful reason I can't fathom. THIS is an ice fishing shack.
    Young Barney: Well, sure, but if you like ice fishing--
    Teenage Homer: Gonna stop you right there. I don't. I don't even like REGULAR fishing.
    Teenage Homer: Listen, my philosophy is: “whatever makes you happy is great. Except fishing, which is dumb and you're dumb for liking it, ya dummy.”
    Teenage Homer: Just pass me a beer.
    Young Barney: We don't have any. Being drunk would impair our fishing skills, and we can't have that!
    Teenage Homer: I'm going to die out here.

    Task: Make Young Barney Prepare Ice Fishing
    Time: 4h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack
    If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Freeze His Butt Off
    Time: 4h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack

    Young Barney: We're all set to fish! Hey, you okay, Homer? You're turning kind of blue.
    Teenage Homer: J-j-just t-t-trying not to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d... freeze to death.
    Young Barney: You'll feel better once you go completely numb.
    Teenage Homer: Know what? You can go f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f... buzz off.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 2

    Young Barney starts

    Young Barney: You just need to discover the peace of fishing. Now grab one of these worms and impale its still-living form on your razor-sharp hook.
    Teenage Homer: I'm not going to kill some poor worm over fishing.
    Young Barney: It's already as good as dead. Nothing can survive in this cold.
    Teenage Homer: WHICH IS WHY I WANT BEER! GIVE BEER!
    Young Barney: What do we need beer for when we've got friendship?
    Teenage Homer: That's a false premise. Your actual options are A) beer AND friendship both; or B) no beer and pure animal hatred.

    Task: Make Young Barney Excel at Fishing
    Time: 12h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack
    If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Fish for an Escape
    Time: 4h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack

    Young Barney: Having fun yet, Homer?
    Teenage Homer: *cracks open a beer* Sure am, Barn!
    Young Barney: Hey! Where'd you find that?!
    Teenage Homer: Dunno, but I have a theory. I think the universe just sort of wants me to be a drunk.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 3

    Young Barney starts

    Young Barney: I was really hoping to get away from all the peer pressure around drinking for a few days.
    Teenage Homer: Hey, don't be sore, pal. You don't have to drink. Unless you want to be cool.
    Young Barney: Why would I turn myself into a pudgy, belching, idiot? I've got enough trouble getting girls as it is.
    Teenage Homer: If it's girls you want, you came to the right man. Let me teach you the basics of scoring with super-hot babes.

    Task: Make Young Barney Admire Young Homer
    Time: 1h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack
    If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Ramble Nonsensically About Women
    Time: 8h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack

    On job start dialog:
    Teenage Homer: The most important thing to remember is that women and men are exactly the same.
    Young Barney: *pulls out tiny pad of paper and pencil* Uh huh. Uh huh. Go on.
    Teenage Homer: So when you talk to a girl, remember that she's interested in sports, babes, and your personal ranking of the various guitar gods.
    Teenage Homer: And if she disagrees with you, tell her she couldn't be more wrong, and that she should feel terrible about that.
    Young Barney: All these years I've been trying to figure out what girls like. When it was right in front of my stupid face.
    Teenage Homer: But the most important thing is to let them know, right up front, that you're a chick magnet and women find you irresistible.
    Young Barney: *writes in tiny pad of paper* Be a chick magnet.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 4

    Young Barney starts

    Young Barney: I've clearly got a lot of work to do on myself before girls will like me.
    Teenage Homer: Well, that's certainly true. But you'll feel better about it after a beer.
    Young Barney: Where did THAT beer come from?
    Teenage Homer: No idea. I just reach down my hand, like this, and-- hey! There's another one! Drink up, pal!
    Young Barney: My Uncle says you should never bow to peer pressure.
    Teenage Homer: A wise man. Now shut up and drink, or else.

    Task: Make Young Barney Try to Fit In
    Time: 4h

    Young Barney: Ew, beer is gross.
    Teenage Homer: *hic* Keep at it pal. You'll come around. *hic* I never want to drink anything else ever again. I hope my blood turns into beer.
    Teenage Homer: That way, if I get in a car accident, it's like: “Quick, give this man a beer transfusion!” Boom! I'm drunker than ever.
    Young Barney: Homer, I think you might have a problem.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 5

    Young Barney starts

    Young Barney: Come on Homer, let's get you home. I think all this beer is damaging your brain.
    Teenage Homer: *hic* Not the beer. Beer good. Cold bad. Homer still have toes?
    Young Barney: Your toes? Yeah, they're right there in your shoes.
    Teenage Homer: *hic* What about fingers?
    Young Barney: Actually, they're a little blue. I think you're getting hypothermia.
    Teenage Homer: *belch* No chance. Homer nice and toasty warm now.
    Young Barney: What I'm about to say to you goes with us to our graves - for your own safety, take off your clothes and hold me.

    Task: Make Young Barney Cuddle for Warmth
    Time: 12h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack
    If the user has Teenage Homer: Task: Make Young Homer Be Cuddled for Warmth
    Time: 12h
    Location: Ice Fishing Shack

    Young Barney: Feeling any better, Homer?
    Teenage Homer: Oh, god. How did it come to this? I swear, I am never drinking again. EVER.
    Teenage Homer: ...
    Teenage Homer: *cracks a beer*
    Teenage Homer: Eh, the universe wants what it wants.

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    The Timberlog Diner Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Homer: Ooh, look, guys! A new restaurant! I wanna try! Pull over!
    Carl: Homer, we just ate.
    Lenny: Just pull over, Carl. You know how he gets...
    Carl: That's exactly the point. Homer needs to learn that he can't always have what he wants.
    Lenny: He's just going to keep asking and asking...
    Homer: Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Huuuuuunnnnggggrrrryyyyyy!
    Carl: If we always give in, he's going to grow up to be a selfish monster.
    Lenny: He's only thirty-eight years old. You can't expect him to act like an adult. Cut him some slack.
    Carl: No. This time I'm putting my foot down.

    Task: Make Homer Have a Hunger Induced Panic Attack
    Time: 4h
    Location: The Timberlog Diner

    On job start:
    Carl: All right, all right! We'll stop for food! Just settle down, Homer!
    Lenny: Don't yell at the boy, Carl. He's just testing boundaries. It's normal at his age.
    Carl: Don't use your therapist voice on me. I'm doing the best I know how.
    Homer: Food!!!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    The Timberlog Diner Pt. 2

    Auto starts

    Homer: They have donuts! Want!
    Carl: Donuts are dessert. You have to eat something healthy first.
    Lenny: Waiter? Can we get a plate of donuts?
    Carl: You always have to undermine me, don't you, Lenny?

    Task: Make Homer Eat All the Donuts
    Time: 4h
    Location: The Timberlog Diner

    On job start:
    Homer: *furious donut eating*
    Carl: That is really disgusting.
    Lenny: Don't pick on him, okay? At least he's eating.
    Carl: I just... I just thought it would be easier, ya know? It's so much responsibility. And I really love the little guy.
    Lenny: Hey, I get it. You worry because you care. Homer's just going through a phase. He'll grow out of it.
    Carl: Promise?
    Lenny: Promise.
    Homer: *furious donut eating*

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Bethlehem Inn Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Moe: What's happened to this place? We used to be packed. Most nights, there was no room at the inn. ‘Specially around the holidays.
    Ned: Hey diddily, Innkeep-arino! Me and the boys heard this was the official birthplace of Jesus!
    Moe: *lying* Uh, yeah, sure is! Built in 1954. Jesus was one of our first customers. Nice kid. You could tell from day one he was cool.
    Ned: I don't suppose your manger is available tonight?
    Moe: Sadly, no. It burned down in the eighties.
    Ned: Was it... the Romans?
    Moe: Uh, yeah, sure. But listen, if you're looking for lousy, barn-like accommodations, you're in luck!
    Moe: I got lotsa rooms, every one worse than the dirtiest manger!
    Ned: Yes, please! We want the same biting cold and filthy straw that Mary and Joseph had.
    Moe: You'll get our most decrepit room. It's, uh, a little more expensive, of course...

    Task: Reach Level 15 and Build Moe's Tavern
    Task: Make Moe Overcharge Pilgrims
    Time: 4h
    Location: Bethlehem Inn

    Moe: Right this way, here's your room.
    Todd: Daddy, why is there a kitty biting my toes?
    Rod: *shrieks* That's not a kitty! That's a rat!
    Moe: The VERY SAME rat that nibbled on Jesus' little piggies. His name's Bitey. Jesus came up with that.
    Ned: What an honor! Eh, boys?

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Bethlehem Inn Pt. 2

    Auto starts

    Moe: ‘Night, all. Do let the bedbugs bite. I mean, if you try to stop them, they get angry and really tear you apart.
    Todd: Daddy, where are all the sheep and camels?
    Ned: That's right. This can't be an authentic Baby Jesus Experience unless we're kept up half the night by the sounds of God's creatures.
    Moe: *sigh* What I won't do for a buck...

    Task: Make Moe Imitate Barn Animals
    Time: 8h
    Location: Bethlehem Inn

    Moe: I hope you enjoyed your stay at the Bethlehem Inn, come back real soon.
    Ned: It was very authentic. I haven't slept that badly in years. Tell me something -- did Jesus or his folks use the vibrating mattress in that room?
    Moe: Of course. Yeah. Why not?
    Ned: Hallelujah.

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP
  • LPNintendoITA's avatar
    LPNintendoITA
    6 years ago
    A Hole in None Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Kent Brockman: Welcome to Channel 6's coverage of the Springfield Celebrity Pro-am, America's premier mini-golf tournament.
    Kent Brockman: I'm joined by legendary golf champion Lee Carvallo. Lee, how do you like your chances today?
    Lee Carvallo: I just want to go out there and give it my all. It's a talented field, lot of great players, we'll see how it goes.
    Kent Brockman: *chuckles* Every athlete is just a mind-numbingly boring interview, Lee. I didn't realize that included golfers, but I see it does.
    Lee Carvallo: It is what it is. We'll just see how it goes, try to have fun out there.
    Kent Brockman: *laughs* Stunningly bland! Lee, show us some of the trophies you've won over the years. Anything is better than listening to you.

    Task: Make Lee Carvallo Display His Awards
    Time: 8h

    Kent Brockman: Lee, I would literally kill everyone on this planet for a single daytime Emmy. And here you are, a mindless dud, surrounded by awards.
    Kent Brockman: Moving on. Lee, instead of listening to your moronic blather, let's meet the amateur you'll be paired with today.
    Lee Carvallo: One day at a time, right?
    Kent Brockman: That was in no way a response to what I said. Good job, Lee!
    Ned: Hey-diddly-o, Mr. C! Ned Flanders here. Honored to be your partner.
    Lee Carvallo: Excited to get out there and let the chips fall where they may. Course looks to be in great shape, excited for the challenge.
    Ned: What a charming man, eh, Kent?
    Kent Brockman: There's not a single working neuron in his skull.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    A Hole in None Pt. 2

    Lee Carvallo starts

    Ned: So, Mr. Carvallo. Are you familiar with our mini-golf course? Need any pointers?
    Lee Carvallo: *chuckles* You can only do what you can do. We'll see how it goes. Excited to compete.
    Ned: Okay... that's the spirit, I guess. Just be advised, the wind tends to sort of whip around that windmill, so stay to the right.
    Lee Carvallo: Course is in great shape. Strong field, gonna be a challenge, one shot at a time, short memory.
    Ned: Is that... did you hear what I said? It feels like you didn't...

    Task: Make Lee Carvallo Take a Perfect Shot
    Time: 4h
    Location: Mini Golf Castle

    Kent Brockman: Beautiful tee shot on the first hole for Lee. He's putting on a mini-golf clinic today, folks!
    Lee Carvallo: Just gotta stay within myself. Can't wait to get out there.
    Ned: Uh... you DO realize we've already started playing, Mr. Carvallo?
    Lee Carvallo: I've been striking the ball well in practice. We'll see what happens on the course.
    Ned: *uncomfortable chuckle* Let's... let's just move on to the next hole.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    A Hole in None Pt. 3

    Lee Carvallo starts

    Ned: This next green is tricky, Lee. Make sure you aim for the ramp on the left. The other ramp drops you into a pretty nasty spot.
    Lee Carvallo: Looking forward to playing some mini-golf.
    Ned: Wait, Lee! I meant to say aim for the ramp on the right! The right!
    Ned: Too late! He's stuck behind the little lighthouse. It'll be a double bogey for sure!
    Lee Carvallo: It is what it is! Every day playing golf is a good day!
    Ned: Oh, my. He's furious.

    Task: Make Lee Carvallo Suck at Mini Golf
    Time: 1h
    Location: Mini Golf Castle

    Lee Carvallo: If I'm seeing the breaks, I like my chances! Beautiful day for golf!
    Ned: Mr. Carvallo, I'm real sorry about that last hole. I made a mistake. Please don't scream at me.
    Lee Carvallo: It's a marathon, not a sprint! These are some great fans!
    Ned: Mr. Carvallo, you're turning beet red! Try to breathe!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    A Hole in None Pt. 4

    Auto starts

    Kent Brockman: In a shocking development, Lee Carvallo finds himself ten shots behind the leaders.
    Kent Brockman: A living legend, a man who's never lost a mini-golf game in his life, could see it all go up in flames here today.
    Kent Brockman: Ever since Ned Flanders steered him towards the wrong ramp, Carvallo has completely crumbled. I've rarely seen a professional athlete this broken.
    Kent Brockman: Lee, what's going through your head right now?
    Lee Carvallo: The greens are playing fast but fair! I'm just looking to string together a few good holes! It's great weather for golf!
    Kent Brockman: And so this pea-brained champion, this dim-witted maestro of the greens, withers before our very eyes.

    Task: Make Lee Carvallo Ruin His Perfect Record
    Time: 8h
    Location: Mini Golf Castle

    Kent Brockman: Lee Carvallo's sad march continues. Now forty-three shots behind the leaders, he stalks the 17th green, completely unhinged.
    Lee Carvallo: *shouting in the distance* THIS IS A GREAT TOURNAMENT! I WANT TO THANK BANK OF SPRINGFIELD FOR SPONSORING A FIRST-CLASS OPERATION!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    A Hole in None Pt. 5

    Auto starts

    Ned: Mr. Carvallo? Can I get you anything? A glass of water maybe?
    Lee Carvallo: It's about consistency. Just trying to do the same thing, swing after swing.
    Ned: Again, I'm really sorry about what happened. Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?
    Lee Carvallo: *stares daggers at Flanders* Every tournament is different. Sometimes the ball rolls funny.
    Ned: Just one word of comfort for my guilty soul? That's all I ask...
    Lee Carvallo: *his look growing even more hate-filled* I love the game of golf.

    Task: Make Lee Carvallo Show No Love
    Time: 12h

    Kent Brockman: It's never easy to watch a greatness dim. Lee Carvallo was a hero to many. Today, that all ended.
    Kent Brockman: We may never know exactly what was going on in his head. Or if ANYTHING was going on in his head, which I seriously doubt.
    Kent Brockman: But we do know this -- as far as Lee Carvallo is concerned, it was a great day for golf. Also, it is what it is.

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Learning to Share Pt. 1

    Jim Hope starts

    Blue-Haired Lawyer: Mr. Hope, I've just received a letter from the IRS. Your company, Kid First Industries, is suspected of tax evasion.
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: You're also charged with -- and I've never seen this before -- “general grossness”. It's a little-known crime from the Constitution.
    Jim Hope: Since when is evading taxes a crime?! Listen, I'll make this right. I'll have the IRS killed.
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: Murder is, sadly, also a crime.
    Jim Hope: That's the government for you. Always nosing into other people's homicides.
    Jim Hope: Well, I can't pay. I haven't had a hit toy since the Funzo. I'm broke.

    Task: Make Jim Hope Search His Pockets for Spare Change
    Time: 4h
    Location: Kid First Industries

    Jim Hope: Here, this is everything I've got in my pockets. *drops coins on desk*
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: You're going to need... fifteen million dollars more.
    Jim Hope: I do have another pair of pants at home. So, there's that. But I suppose I could just invent another hit toy.
    Jim Hope: Better put on a happy face for the kiddies and hope ol' Uncle Jim's still got it.
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: As your lawyer, I must advise you not to refer to yourself as “uncle” around children who aren't your relatives.
    Jim Hope: Why? Liability issue?
    Blue-Haired Lawyer: No, just creepy.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Learning to Share Pt. 2

    Jim Hope starts

    Jim Hope: All right, Lindsey. We need a smash hit toy for the holidays or I'm going to jail.
    Lindsey Naegle: You're not the only one who's been evading taxes. Should I be worried?
    Jim Hope: Probably. As in, I'm “probably” going to rat you out to get a reduced sentence.
    Lindsey Naegle: I see. I suppose I could have you killed?
    Jim Hope: No, it's illegal. The lawyer said so.
    Lindsey Naegle: Shoot. Well, I never like making money honestly, but that may be our only option here.
    Jim Hope: If there was any other way, believe me I'd be all over it. Let's get to work.

    Task: Make Jim Hope Brainstorm Original Ideas
    Time: 4h
    If the user has Lindsey Naegle: Task: Make Lindsey Naegle Brainstorm Ways to Backstab Jim Hope
    Time: 4h
    Location: Kid First Industries

    Jim Hope: Read back to me what we've come up with so far.
    Lindsey Naegle: A doll that explodes if you forget to feed it, a mobile game based on a past-its-prime cartoon...
    Lindsey Naegle: ...an action figure with a monthly subscription fee for some reason, and a kid-sized AR-15 that doesn't set off metal detectors.
    Jim Hope: All brilliant, every one! Let's run some focus groups and see what the kids think!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Learning to Share Pt. 3

    Jim Hope starts

    Jim Hope: Hey there kids, how would you like to play with some toys?
    Lisa: No way! You're not fooling us with that act again.
    Ralph: I like playing with toys in front of one-way mirrors!
    Lisa: Hey Ralph, take my hand and we'll look for fairies in your backyard, okay?
    Ralph: I like doing the last thing someone suggested! Let's go!
    Lisa: We'll catch a fairy today for sure. But we have to get far, far away from this guy -- fairies don't like him.
    Jim Hope: *sigh* They grow out of their easily-manipulated stage so fast.

    Task: Make Jim Hope Demonstrate Toys
    Time: 12h

    Jim Hope: The kids hated our toys! They said they were "too cynical”. Since when is making toys designed to prey on kids' worst impulses “cynical”?
    Jim Hope: How am I supposed to con them if they're wise to my tricks? Am I supposed to make something they actually like? *chuckles*
    Lindsey Naegle: Don't spout such nonsense!

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Learning to Share Pt. 4

    Jim Hope starts

    Jim Hope: Little girl, please come back. I need your help -- I'm desperate!
    Lisa: You've always been desperate.
    Jim Hope: Hey, you think it's EASY being a grown man who's nowhere near as good at inventing toys as the great Lisa Simpson?
    Lisa: Flattery won't work on me.
    Jim Hope: I know. You're way too smart to fall for flattery.
    Lisa: Sweet, sweet flattery... Oh how I love it...
    Lisa: Fine! You get ten minutes of my time. I'll come up with one toy. But that's it!

    Task: Make Jim Hope Steal Lisa's Ideas
    Time: 8h
    Location: Springfield Elementary or Kid First Industries
    Requires: Lisa

    On job start:
    Jim Hope: How about a toy oven that makes fattening cakes, then we sell a weight loss supplement as an add-on?
    Lisa: Hmm. What if the toy oven makes nutritious snacks, but they look like cupcakes. Makes the kids AND the parents happy.
    Jim Hope: So, it's not exploitative? I mean, what's the fun in that?
    Jim Hope: What about a set of encyclopedias, but all the facts are wrong so it makes you stupider? Then we sell tutoring services to all the new dummies we just made.
    Lisa: Stick with the healthy oven.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Learning to Share Pt. 5

    Jim Hope starts

    Jim Hope: Lindsey, I think we've got our hit toy: The Half-Baked Oven!
    Jim Hope: Half-Baked is half as powerful as regular play ovens. So you have to buy special pre-half-baked treats from us.
    Lisa: Wait, no! That's not what we agreed on!
    Jim Hope: Can't you see how much more evil it is my way? Think, Lisa!
    Lisa: I want my idea back. You stole it from me!
    Lindsey Naegle: Jim, open us some bubbly to celebrate. I just need to make a quick phone call...
    Jim Hope: It's hot tubbing time!

    Task: Make Jim Hope Pop Some Bottles
    Time: 12h
    Location: Kid First Industries
    If the user has Lindsey Naegle: Task: Make Lindsey Naegle Give Chief Wiggum a Hot Tip
    Time: 12h
    Location: Kid First Industries

    Jim Hope: Lindsey! Hot tub's ready! I've got a special mankini I've been saving!
    Wiggum: Hold it right there, Hope! You're under arrest for exploiting the work of miners.
    Jim Hope: Because of the Lisa Simpson thing?
    Wiggum: What? No, not some kid. Miners. The guys who work in mines. Anyway, that's what I heard over the phone.
    Wiggum: And that's how I wrote it up. You can't expect me to redo all that paperwork.
    Jim Hope: Lindsey! You set me up!
    Lindsey Naegle: Have fun in prison, Jim!
    Jim Hope: Eureka, that's it! A play set that's a prison, and whenever you want to free your dolls, you have to purchase a new security code from us?
    Lisa: Hmmm. Yeah, I'd play with that.
    Jim Hope: *being dragged off to jail* I'm back, baby!

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Toys "B" This Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Bart: Now remember, Mom. All I want for Christmas is FortFite: Platinum Headshot Edition.
    Marge: I know, sweetie. It's really hard to find that video game. The internet is sold out.
    Bart: What about the toy store? You've exhausted every possible angle to satisfy my demands, right?
    Bart: You still love me, right?
    Bart: Right?
    Marge: Bart, the toy store went out of business.
    Bart: ...
    Marge: But I guess we could break in! Maybe there's a copy of your game lying around in there.
    Bart: I'll bring the car around.

    Task: Make Marge Break Into the Abandoned Toy Store
    Time: 4h
    Location: Toys "B" This
    Task: Make Bart Be Overcome by Nostalgia
    Time: 4h
    Location: Toys "B" This

    On job start:
    Marge: It's kind of spooky in here.
    Bart: We passed so many wonderful hours in here, didn't we? I wonder why they shut it down?
    Marge: Probably because we, and all the other people who cherish the magic of toy stores, ditched these places the second they turned on the internet.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

    Toys "B" This Pt. 2

    Auto starts

    Bart: How could we let this happen to toy stores? What were we thinking?
    Marge: Well, it IS pretty great buying toys in your underwear from the convenience of the couch.
    Bart: It's not fair! You can't drag your parents to the internet and make a scene until they crumble and buy you what you want!
    Marge: We should get out of here. Ol' Gil isn't much of a security guard, but even he's gotta wake up sometime.

    Task: Make Marge Try to Comfort Bart
    Time: 4h
    Location: Simpson House

    Marge: Bart, how come you're not playing your new game? I worked very hard to track it down for you.
    Bart: I can't stop thinking about the store. Why do things have to change?
    Marge: That's just what happens when you get older, sweetie. The world keeps changing.
    Marge: But there's one thing that will never, ever change. Not even if you live a million years. *kisses his forehead* And that's --
    Bart: How much you suck at videogames?
    Marge: Right. That's exactly what I was going to say. That the one constant in the universe is how much I suck at stupid Fortfite.

    Quest reward: $200 and 20 XP

    Personalized Talking Astrolabe Pt. 1

    Auto starts

    Marge: Homie, I've got a special surprise for you - something you've been wanting for a long time.
    Homer: Oh boy, oh boy! Is it that deep fryer that can fit a whole cow? Or that girdle that's made out of bacon?
    Marge: Neither, it's this thing. Tada! The astro-whatchamacallit!
    Homer: My beloved unnecessary object! At last! Let's hear what wisdom it's been keeping for us.

    Task: Tap the Personalized Talking Astrolabe

    Marge: Huh. Somehow, I thought the info it gave would be more necessary.
    Homer: You don't get the point of ANYTHING, do you, Marge? Do you?
    Marge: *sigh* Well, at least it's shiny. That's nice.
    Homer: Never leave me again you beautiful, pointless thing...
    Homer: My life was so much less meaningless until you came along.

    Quest reward: $100 and 10 XP

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