Mass Effect 3 (2012) Won't Launch "Error on our end. Try again later."

Since ~May 13th, I have been unable to open Mass Effect 3 on my PC. Whenever I try, the game crashes during the opening Bioware cinematic. The App then displays an error message "Failed to Launch Game. An error on our end caused the launch to fail. Try again a little later." I've tried troubleshooting on my own, and I just spent three hours navigating the live help, without a solution.

I have the In-game Overlay turned off; I have repaired the EA App; I have repaired the game; I have restarted my computer and opened the EA App before opening Steam. The last person I spoke to told me to create a forum post in the hopes management sees it and can fix it.